I really need some support, please help me - Part 90

By marathonmel7 · Oct 7, 2014 · ·
  1. Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Well, I was almost to three days and I relapsed. I did more than relapse though… I OD'd. This morning I went to prepare a shot and overestimated my tolerance and sometime after my injection, I passed out and fell in the bathroom hitting my head on the wall. I was out a good while because I felt as though I was dreaming and my mind was still going but my body wasn't moving. I finally awoke to find a syringe in my hand and my spoon on the floor along with my tie on my arm. My heart was beating really fast and I was sweaty and shaky. This is embarrassing to admit but I think it finally hit me that I'm going to kill myself if I keep this behavior up. So, I promptly threw away the rest of my stash. It scared me. That's not the first time this is happened but it hasn't happened in awhile. I haven't had a tolerance that low in awhile.

    I feel like I'm floating today like my body and brain are disconnected from reality. I think that is still the high wearing off. I went to work today but I don't really remember my day otherwise. That's not a good life to lead. I'm sure someone will comment on my thread and shun me for my use and I deserve it. But, I had to be honest and get this out. I know I am dumb and what I did was even dumber. I didn't intend on OD'ing. I just wanted to get high again. I don't even know why I relapsed, I was doing so well.

    My friend that's getting sober with me relapsed as well and so we are both starting over again. I don't really know what else to say. I know I made a stupid mistake and I know I've hit rock bottom and I'm worried I'm going to jail on Friday. I'm extremely stressed out right now. I'm afraid of everything and I'm full of anxiety. I feel horrible. I just want my life back.

    I just want to lead a happy, normal life not waiting for my next high from my stupid dealer who has power over me right now. He knows it too. I want my life back. I meet with my drug counselor and my psychiatrist on Thursday and then I go to court on Friday. I'm so scared. I don't want to deal with either days. I don't like talking about my problems to my health care professionals and especially together. They want to "meet with me" or so they say.

    Whoever reads this I just want to say that I know I'm throwing my life away and I know that my actions are stupid and reckless. I know I have a long ways to go to get my life in order. I am willing to do the work and I scared myself today. I don't want to go to jail and I just want to go back to my sober days. I want to be healthy again. I want, I want, I want.

    marathonmel7 added 0 Minutes and 42 Seconds later...

    Day 1 starts over now...

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    What an awful experience, but perhaps--for you--a necessary one in order to get to the life you want, and deserve, so desperately. Best advice is to brush yourself off physically and emotionally, hold on strong to your reserve and get to it.

    I'm happy to hear that you're okay, though bunked up. Maybe a little angel was watching over you as you saw yourself dying and realized that you are not ready to throw your life away. Chin up and get on with getting to your real dream: life without dependency.

    Sending you a big hug and wishing you strength, Mel. You know where I am if you want to yack or just scream and fight your demons in front of a witness, so to speak.

    Courage, Lady. Slip-ups are part of the road to recovery. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

    BT2H
  2. Booty love
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    What you need mel, is to believe in yourself!!! Thats it, thats my secret to getting off crack, all you have to do is educate yourself on the proper ways to detox and taper, thats easy! Then comes the hard part, the self confidence part. If you really want to get clean and you believe you can....then nothin will stop you! All you have to do is belive in yourself! Capt, do you belive in yourself? Do you believe you have no other options in life than to just let heroin be your master? I don't think so, i think your a much stronger person than even you know, now i need you to find that person and stop being a slave and start being a soldier, soldier!! I know you got the fight in you! Just remember we all fall down, thats life, its not how you fall but how you get back up. So every time you relapse, gst up, shake it off and carry on with your mission. Your gonna get this mission accomplished Mel! I believe in you! So pllease do me a favor!! STOP using heroin, and go run marathon!!!
  3. Fidget247
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Hi Mel,

    Take a deep breath hun. Don't beat yourself up - it will add to your anxiety level. From my personal experience... sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to move forward & decide what you don't want.

    By now you are probably aware of what your triggers are. Use this the other way. Sounds drastic, but remind yourself a relapse could kill you when you next think of scoring. Find a new interest, something that really matters to you and strive for it. As you know, when you're using you miss so much of your life. The lines get blurry & you feel as though you move from one crisis to the next. Just think how much easier life could be.

    Will be thinking of you on Friday & have no intention of shunning you.

    Good luck x
  4. charliecat
    Re: Heroin; I really need some support, please help me.

    Mel,
    It is surprising how quick tolerance can drop..I've had the same happen to me and its a hard, scary lesson to learn.
    You were doing so well for 3 days with only 30ml methadone... is it worth considering getting enough to do a proper taper/detox with. If it gets you over that mad first few days when the physical and mental torture is at its worse it's gotta be a good thing. You could maybe do a quick taper over 5 days or something and still be able to work.
    Anyway good luck with what ever way you decide to do this..and I feel sure you will do it as your determination and strength is loud and clear.

    I just thought...Will you have to take a drug test for court on Friday? If so your gonna have to stop all use as from NOW and you might then Just pass it. You will wish you had if you end up withdrawing in a cell Friday night.

    YOU CAN DO THIS
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