OK this might be a bit long...but for people interested in associations with childhood development and drug use this might be a good one to read. BUT IDK maybe im just biased.
FOR PEOPLE THAT WANT TO SKIM
Italicized things like random thoughts and etc on what im doing
underlined are examples
Now I know the initial time I tried meth I was like oh wow this is awesome, didnt really think much of it besides that. In talking to someone specializing in recovery I began to ponder my childhood and my developmental circumstances more and more.
Think about it, I like altering my consciousness, but theres some substances I enjoyed at first and grew apart from and others I grew closer to. It was the social ones....meth and alcohol.
Now granted meth isnt really some bar-scene but im mostly talking of connecting to people when you are on an upper. The euphoria I associate with someone when im on the drug produces a different type of high than when I do it alone, like something I have been longing for my whole life and my brain is rewarding it regardless of how fake it is, and the reason why its fake bonding is why I dont really want it anymore.
In my development it was deeply religious, I went to school but was an outcast, and was a bit socially retarded because I was developing no social skills.
despite being exceptional in my classes up through HS and whatnot. The only one I never cared for was english, I dont like wasting a bunch of time writing everything in a professional manner to the T unless its for an assignment then I might edit it more. But this is besides the point. Im pretty knowledgeable about how to write things and whatnot, its just especially on my phone I dont have time to make it perfect. So I apologize if theres any errors in this journal.
As a child learning was about the most euphoric experience id ever imagined, it basically felt like taking a hit of meth or something else in equivalence to euphoria everytime I learned more about the world I lived in and what was true, I started refusing to simply just maintain beliefs and drop them at will the second I saw an inconsistency changing my views A LOT, especially compared to all the extremists I was surrounded by.
Now I know im not without bias im simply saying im aware of a lot of them and I try and rectify them everyday, im not claiming to be the ultimate truth seeker.
Now thats just the backstory, any type of drug that was an upper, and made people more communicative in a way that gives you a false sense of connection with that person is basically my drug of choice. Because of my religious background I barely had any friends, when cute girls liked me in school I ignored them because my parents said I was too young, and had to wait till I was 18 or something, because none of these relationships mattered.
I simply listened to them did everything they said and accepted that philosophy as norm, that relationships were invalid to participate in unless worthy, which I extrapolate other things from for example, having high standards for women on more of a mental level. If I thought it might not be worth my time why bother? I basically just avoided women for the most part, and had a few guy friends that I barely even trusted.
On an upper sure it was fun but all I really got a rush out of was talking to my best friend at the time for literally 24 hours straight and being like holy shit the suns up and we havent even hit the pipe again. People said the most heartfelt things to me that while were exaggerated, I never heard from friends or anyone my whole life. Kind of like a childhood desire for a friend that wont leave cause hes connected to one so he invents an imaginary one.
In this scenario I am the kid with the imaginary friends and we're all friends based on meth but pretend to have connections and have deep talks.
Same reason for alcohol, but mostly alcohol led me to isolation and despair, but in social situations it was okay....nothing to see here typical alcoholics story.....
Anyways I know I am slightly "up" right now and my decision for stopping meth might change, in this moment im going to say I know exactly why ive been using it and for me to simply use it by myself all the time just to reminisce of those times with other people.....is pointless....it even encourages me to desire to introduce the drug to people I want to connect with, which is bad.
Basically I probably have borderline personality disorder which I thought might be the case for a long time, was abandoned by every friend ive had or at least I have felt that way....and I long for a connection that is unconditional.
Uppers are giving me the illusion of that with strangers, but im not even doing it with people anymore, so no wonder it is uncomfortable for me to experience this high. This high is not my drug of choice, the high literally becomes or at least more comfortable, as long as im talking to someone, and connecting with someone in a role in my recovery as an alcoholic really made me realize a lot of these things about my desires and shortcomings as well as feelings of regret of the past.
I still feel connected to no one, and there is only way to change that to attain happiness, which I have never had, is to find it, and in order to do that I must stop using meth. Ill probably end up finishing what I have purchased out of whatever reason, or ill just get rid of it but other than that I think im done with the shit.
Its harming my body immensely just to give me an illusion of my only desire.
Scloud90 added 31 Minutes and 7 Seconds later...
Ill add details of my use and non-use and keep it updated regularly like most journals, if people show interest in my story or how it plays out but if not ill just leave it as a theory and my story.
Scloud90 added 629 Minutes and 7 Seconds later...
ugh got some much needed sleep but feel like shit... a lot of it has to do with the fact that im in benzo withdrawal right now...which ive never had before..i took a quarter of a bar instead of a full one to ease my body down.