I ve been on DF for a long time but this is probably the first attempt to use DF as it has been intended for: Harm Reduction.
Alcohol has been my vice for at least five years, significantly worsening in last 3. My main concern is my behavior and hated terrible hangover I experience from alcohol. Alcohol is a legal drug that brought me more legal troubles than all illegal drugs altogether. Im going to break up this long ass post in pieces by years of significance to my abuse
I drink beer only, lots and lots of Heineken, 10 at a time
I guess it all started with wild partying, 200 people house parties. By this time I was already a multiple times every day pothead for previous 4 years in high school.
Then out of nowhere pot started to give me worsening panic attacks. After quitting, I tried to replace the void with alcohol which although legal and sold on every corner turned out to be a different beast.
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Still drink beer, switched to cheaper brand Blue, 13 at a time
As my drinking to get drunk progressed to 3times a week, i distanced myself from drinking buddies and parties altogether. I tried watching a movie every time I drank, thats when I found out I lose interest in the movie as I run out of alcohol. I began drinking for the length of a movie which produced even worse effect; because as I finish the movie I am badly smashed and bored. Another pass out, and hangover next morning.
Hangover. Nobody wants to hear about hangover. I learned that to get drunk, with my tolerance equals I will always end up with hangover. But thats not the worst part coming...
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Switched to cheap vodka, spend $2500 in one year alone on vodka, never visited a bar
The longer I drank the more reckless my behavior became. I no longer could focus on studying and alcohol really halts all my beginnings. I became unemployable. To cut the story shorter, here is a list:
> I was fired
> I dropped out of college one day before I was to be kicked out from school
> I gained weight from 125 pounds to 170
> I trashed my apartment multiple times and broke things on purpose, I ripped my shirts in shreds and walked around in shirts with holes. I punched through a working TV, I punched a mirror resulting in 60 stitches on my fist, white bones were visible, etc.
> I got in several fights
> I got myself arrested and jailed
> Family stopped talking to me at this point
> Mom is afraid of me when Im drunk
> Broke, I got into $18000 debt and another $600 debt
> I became homeless after release
Just before I became homeless, I was already binging. Usually a binge would last close to a week. It wasn't enjoyable at this time, as you may imagine. Drinking to forget hangover, eww!
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Switched to Canadian Club and Jim Beam, both seem to be easier on my stomach
Hangover is starting to get to me. I received and moved in a social housing project I applied for the year earlier in inner city ghetto. By 2014 I have been hospitalized 10 or 11 times. Alcohol poisoning resulted in levels between 0.26-0.38. I knew I was overdosing, because I was indoors, yet my body felt like Im standing in a storm, kinda this wind against the skin feeling.
Hangover is 55 hours long on average after a binge, my stomach is messed up and it takes 5 days to feel sober again. Not good at all. It felt like I suffered from a chronic illness I pay for.
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Family doesn't invite me for Christmas. Last Xmas, I started to cut down. Slowly but surely it seems to be working. I drink fortified wine. 400-500ml of 20% Ripple seems to quench my thirst. I do not do drinking sessions, I drink this potion in half and hour before bed.
I know I'd probably never stop drinking completely. I hope I can mold myself into normal drinking,
I ve had one sober week and I don't crave alcohol. I don't feel shame or guilt. However, my mood is totally out of control, I laugh, I snap into anger, I have ocd-like behavior. I suffer from nightmares every night, nightmares so bad I wake up in the middle of night. Members suggested I may have PAWS.
At this point Im going to leave this...