If I Had My Chance Again

By angelraysmehigher · Mar 13, 2019 · ·
  1. If I had my chance again meth,
    I would never have inhaled that first breath.
    But you captivated my senses while stealing my soul,
    And every time I walk I still hear your seductive call.

    How can it be with all the filth that you are,
    Could make people kill just to get a little more?
    But still your corrosive and toxic nature,
    Greedily consumes one victim after another.

    When will you be satisfied you horrible demon?
    The rich, the young, the wise and the poor man ,
    Doesn't matter who no life will ever be,
    Immune to your destruction and toxic potency

    Why must you leave such destruction in your wake,
    You never give back only take, take, take!
    Why must you feed on the happiness in my soul,
    I Want you gone but you still have control.

    I want off of this rollercoaster ride to hell,
    But hard as I try I seem destined to sell,
    Myself and my sanity and presence to Life,
    You shredded my soul with that razor sharp knife.

    But once more I am lifted and filled with hope,
    Determined to make this my goodbye to dope.
    But I feel something familiar; oh fuck no, not again,
    Your Dark, seductive Call is manipulating my brain.





    Dark thoughts that seem to befriend my insomnia

    About Author

    angelraysmehigher
    I'm a 25yr old HAS BEEN daily user of meth. A habit I've still managed to keep hidden in the dark from my loved ones and anyone closely around me. I created this journal as a means of expressing my emotional turmoil and internal battle with this drug, my first and only avenue of confessions involving my dark and dirty little secret. I stay dedicated through abstinence for accountability and the hopes that my story may resonate with others and impact them in a positive way.

Comments

  1. Elliza
    Love love this. It's like you looked into my mind. I'm not real good with words. So forgive me if I'm not real elaborate like you are. But thank you for your writings I enjoy reading them.
      angelraysmehigher likes this.
    1. angelraysmehigher
      Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy them :) I'm grateful to be able to express my mind in this way, or without a doubt, I'd be fighting a more challenging struggle!
  2. Exeyelover
    I am 22 years old and like the strong language used there in your post/rap, irrelevant question but one that I have a strong desire to ask is were you high when you wrote this. I often find that when I use meth, I actually get very open and reflective causing me a deep sadness about what I am doing to myself. It's almost a funny paradox like I use then I spend time in my head even in the initial high analysing myself and looking at myself in ways that would appear smart, however my actions remain the same and the end of the day and that needle full of glug is unfortunately driving me insane. I am starting to not make sense especially when on it and I don't mean the speedy speech and movements that is quite common no I mean I actually have though paralysis, often all I want to do is be in the one room and not leave but it feels like I can't actually leave, so I spend hours often staring at walls or watching porn. I can't think straight. I'll end on this, this insight I have even recently has started to scare me and also had infection of finger and then tendons due to harmful bacteria either directly caused or exercabated by iv Crystal meth use. This is making me happy in a way because it puts more ammo to the stopping argument. I have never gone longer than seven months in the 6 years I have been using crystal IV. I have had great jobs, I end up losing them all due to sleeping through work because I am coming off a 3 day binge. I wish I could go back in time and never try this shit however now I have to look at the positives and see that I can and will do other things in my life that will keep me occupied and busy. I often train to the extreme when I am clean however it is taxing and unsustainable I guess I need to find that balance everyone speaks of, and I sure as heck (yeah I am a Christian) (albeit a non practicing one) know that crystal is not compatible with me anyway as I lose interest in any thing else and push all my support away. Sorry guys am currently energised and needed to get shit off my chest, I hope it can be of some use to me and others and I want people to know, I know the struggle, I don't judge, it is in my opinion harder to abstain from completely than opiates including heroin and yes I have had problems with buprepnorphine and have used heroin, they pale in comparison to the mental demons and anguish and mind games that meth playes with you hence why currently I still haven't quite managed to engage myself in sport and all the things I used to do and completely put my meth use to the history books and mark of it off as being a silly young man well teenager when I started who wasn't dealing with human life and shit properly. For me when I don't use, I really lately especially which isn't a good sign feel very flat and angry for too long, it's concerning that even after 8 days off not using prior to now I had trouble sleeping, stomach pains, constant cravings and paranoia, yes to me this is the number one that keeps me coming back the PARANOIA, when I get clean I actually get more paranoid as my head clears up, I have developed intrusive thoughts OCD that actually getS worse THE longer I am clean, please if anyone has experience with this feeling can you tell me, does it get better the paranoia. And is that common because often paranoia is associated with effects of using in the short term as said mine is when I get clean and for quite some time even when I went 5 months recently, I had a gf, was training hard and was a lot more stable but deep down I struggled with my crazy thoughts that went round and round in circles. A bit like the circles my mind walks in that prevent me from wanting to leave friends houses and also my room which I am currently in because I have almost like mind and body paralysis, brought out by some hidden not quite paranoia but like preventing paranoia if that makes sense, that's my effects when using. It's like I take precautionary steps so I don't get paranoid, I am not one to stare out windows but I get the light paranoia, not wanting any person to be able to see me I want to be in total tomb like room no one can see me, this may point to a good thing as I know that people can tell when looking at you that you are not healthy and travelling the best and I am self conscious, funny I say that yet I haven't showered in 30 hours and love the smell of my body fluids have always had a strange thing I do especially on it where I want to smell my own penis fluids and sweat emanating from my pores I don't sweat much because I drink a lot but you know what I mean smell you get on your skin. But out in public it is a good thing I guess I don't want people to see me walking around at all hours, which is annoying because so many of my fellow users seem to get this confidence and not give a shit, when it is that behaviour that draws people to look at you and think wow what's his issue, I walk very slowly in public and don't worry about the world around me unlike people that look side to side, as I say crab people they walk sideways, I guess it effects everyone differently and other factors such as upbringing and environment play a small role. My weird behaviours which as said I am conscious of include, not being able to think about anything, and wanting to chat and engage people then I can't listen to them and paralysis or a feeling of.
      angelraysmehigher likes this.
  3. angelraysmehigher
    @Exeyelover I know the effect you speak of, I typically become very literate and expressive when I write while on it. Not so much physically, although I do try, but I'll get stuck every few sentences on a particular word I'm looking for so I just don't bother really now. I'm also TERRIBLE for getting into my own head and I'm sure a few members on here can agree with me who have read my previous journal posts, lol. I'm lucky though that I don't experience the paranoia you describe when you get off it. I rather feel heaps better. I think clearer, I'm more comfortable within myself and my surroundings. I've found I have got my confidence back compared to when using where I'd decomposed to a skeletal, anxious and unconfident mess. Funny how it's the confidence that we all seem to dig so much when we first start using but it quickly vanishes the more we use.

    I read your whole response. And I can very much relate to a lot of what you've written. When I was using heavily it would have been about 6 months roughly that I still managed to enjoy a normal life. In the latter 6 months, I was increasingly isolating myself more, avoided social events and even family gatherings. I preferred to just stay home and literally spend most of the time in my room. I eventually found myself housebound due to health complications and so that made it all the worse. I didn't even need an excuse anymore, I could just stay home, smoke heaps of shit (which became less and less effective) and lay in bed getting sicker and deeper into my addiction and nobody really had to question it anymore.
    You sound a lot like how I felt a few months ago when I was really stuck in my head and manifesting the colossal monstrosity of my addiction and how much I'd fucked up my life. It's not a good place to be in and it doesn't get any better. I strongly suggest you seek some professional help if you can, especially if there's past dependence on heroin.
    D-F is a great place to find support and I honestly thought it was all the help I needed, but as my struggles continue I'm coming to the realisation that I may not be able to overcome this all on my own. I'm accepting that I'm going to have to invest in support within my immediate reality, whether through a therapist or committing to being openly honest with someone I can trust and keep me accountable.
    But do whatever you can now before you get in too deep. It's no fun trying to battle cravings while chronically sick, unable to work and with a lot of free time on your hands.

    To answer your initial question, no I wasn't high when I wrote it. I'm typically an eloquent writer in general, without sounding conceited. Unlike mathematics, which I'll openly admit I'm terrible at. I was never very successful with is and dropped the subject in year 11. But I've always loved reading and writing and so I think reading a lot from a very young age encouraged my language and writing skills to develop. It's something I've continued to enjoy utilising as an avenue for offloading my thoughts, expressions and troubles as an adult. The only times really that I'll struggle with my words and expression is when I've had too many cones... whoops.
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