I had a therapy session today. My therapist asked how I was doing with sobriety. Eh, so-so. I used right before the camping weekend; once home, I made it about 24 hours before picking up. 3 1/2 days clean. We re-calibrated my goals. To be realistic. At this time, the goal is 5 days. (which, of course, is not to say that I'm obligated to pick up on day 6, but....) And, meanwhile, get back on my bicycle. That's the plan between now and next session. I feel good about it.
And I read on these forums. The newbie question that comes up over and over. Where are the responsible users? Are there any functional addicts out there? Am I the only one? And I see the ones who say, "Here I am, I'm a responsible user. I got my shit together." And I read the words of those who have been around here a long while. They've seen it before. They say it's only a matter of time until those same responsible users are back, and their lives are falling apart now and they need help.
And there are others who say they lost everything. And now, having been through that crucible and come back out - now, they manage occasional use.
I'm stuck in a loop of: Use. Feel fantastic. Regret. Feel shitty. Feel okay again. <rinse and repeat> When I feel shitty, abstinence looks appealing. When I feel okay again.... not so much. It's textbook stuff. Insight is not enough.