ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 76

By charliecat · Aug 20, 2014 · ·
  1. Thanks guys..I've been really low last couple of days
    Brain in dark place and I keep trying to tell myself it's because of being in withdrawal but my brain trying to tell me that using again is the answer...like "I'll never be happy again if I don't use heroin" and I could save and have loads of cash if I stop but what's the point in being rich if your not happy. My brains throwing the lot at me...why shouldn't I use heroin daily other people have a drink or some treat at end of a hard day..what harm am I doing anyone it's my hard earned money..
    I know these are all shit reasons to pick up and I'm not planning to act on them but the grind of that constant battle in the brain is really getting me down..no matter what I'm doing its in the front of my mind preventing me from giving anything 100% at the moment..it's all consuming and I'm sick of it...

    Today is day 8 but I have a small confession and I don't know how much of an impact it may have on my detox..
    Yesterday I felt like I was gonna crack and would do anything just for some relief from this mind set...it was to late to call dealer or I'm sure I would have...anyway I had a bottle of oramorph in the cupboard which was prescribed to my mum in Feb 2012. I remembered she took one dose from it of 2.5ml and was sick as a pig with the tiniest pupils I've ever seen lol. She never took it again and its sat in the cupboard ever since. I've never had any interest in anything else apart from IV heroin but I was so desperate I swallowed 5ml of it even knowing it was 2 1/2 year old...
    I don't know if it was placebo or it actually had a real effect but I definitely felt calmer for a couple of hours..
    Just worried now that it might drag the withdrawals on even longer because I put opiates in my body on day 7..
    I can't seem to find any positives at the moment..

    I still get really anxious about being at work..
    Kitts I do wash and use wipes during the day but the problem is also once the sweat has soaked into my clothes and dried a few times where I go from hot flash to freezing cold in seconds..the smell seems to ingrain in my clothes after a while so I never wear anything nice when withdrawing...also I think sometimes the smell of perfumes on top of withdrawal sweat just doesn't mix don't know if it just me but seems to react and smell different from usual...or maybe I've got it all out of proportion and a super sensitive nose is a withdrawal symptom..
    Let's hope mood lifts as day 8 continues because I really couldn't face another day feeling like this...I need to eat...I need to get some proper sleep..i need to stop feeling so restless and agitated...and I need to shut my fucking brain up so I can get some peace...

Comments

  1. marathonmel7
    Oh Charliecat, you can do this! You've come so far. Day 8 is awesome. I don't think drinking your Mom's stuff will set you back. I think you should just keep on moving forward. Your brain is going to try and talk you into using because that's all you've known for a good majority of your life. You cannot succumb to those thoughts and feelings. You have to understand that all this is temporary and you will get better. YOu just need to give it some time. Be patient. Try and think of the positives. You're doing awesome. You're going through withdrawals and you're still working… that's an amazing feat in and of itself. Celebrate these small accomplishments.

    As far as the sweats go. That too, is temporary and I have the same problem. The only good thing is I am sweaty at work anyways cleaning houses so no one really notices. Your body is trying to flush out it's toxins right now so let it do so. I know it's embarrassing and you're at work but I bet no one really notices but you. Just keep washing up at work and before you know it this will pass. Slowly as each day passes you will get better. Just don't use no matter what your brain is telling you to do. Separate that train of thought from the rest of your thoughts.

    You can do this. Are you sleeping well enough? Do you have a sleep aid of any kind? You should pick something up if you haven't already. Also, do you have benzos around? They will help you get some sleep and calm your anxiety about using. If you have some then I say use them in moderation of course. YOu don't want to trade one addiction for the other.

    I'm rooting for you and you're my inspiration. I am on day 1 and I feel ok so far. It takes awhile to hit though. I don't usually feel bad until almost 2 days in. We'll see what this detox consists of. I've been using 2 days on 2 days off so withdrawals shouldn't be too bad. To be continued on that…

    Hang in there.. you're doing great. Be patient, get some good food and rest and take care of yourself.
  2. TappingSoftly
    You may have set yourself back a little, but so what? It happened; now its over. Keep moving forward. Physically the hardest part should be just about over. I know how hard it is, but just try to make it for one more day ... then one more day ... Time seems to go very slowly at your stage, but eventually it will all be behind you, and then you've got the whole rest of your life to live. Don't give up now Charliecat!
  3. tryhard
    Charlie mate if you can get over the here and now , it will get eazy , nothing is as hard as what YOU are doing at the moment
    , be good to yoursrelf ,, after all you are doing it eh ........YAY

    make your situation work for CHARLIECAT ,, i know you can , cause for all these years we have made it work...
    its been over 20 years Charlie mate , 20 fucking years of have to scrape and scratch , what a job ,,, now it is so hard tostop getting it ... just saying no is next to imposabil ...............

    come on mate , if i had tryed a10th as hard to say no ,,, as i did to say yes , well you know !!!!
    YOU are alot smarter ,stronger and more alive , then you know atm , so use you mate ,, we know its in you cause YOU shine on mate.... you realy do......

    your the CHARLIECAT.......

    your mate ANDY.....
  4. la-di-da
    C
    I just read your post about being stuck at work with the sweats, prickly skin and intense anxiety and I was there with you, you're doing so well and being so strong! I'm really moved by your story. This might sound weird & I'm not religious at all but I just prayed for you, that you find the strength to stay clean through these tougher days, & that you find some peace of mind and joy in being clean.

    Have you tried suing herbal supplements to give yourself a bit of relief? I have had varying success with them, but the good ones I found really were a life saver when I was not coping at all. I found Chamomile tea (brewed super strong & w/honey added) helped a little with my anxiety, a good Magnesum supplement helped my body relax. Oh, there's also a product called Neurocalm by a company called Metagenics, which again helps immensely with my anxiety (racing thoughts, restlessness, sleep).

    Last thing I thought of is try to remember the positive moments you've had clean so far, like that bike ride back from your bros, or whatever. I write all my little moments down and reflect back on 'em now & again and I think it can be a really helpful tool.

    Sorry if I'm overloading you with my BS! I just want to see you doing well :)

    Sending super positive thoughts your way my friend.
  5. SoozyQ
    Oh Charliecat,

    Hang in there a little longer.

    I just wanted to agree with la-di-da about remembering and focussing on the positives of being clean. Even if you (or rather your withdrawing brain) don't really believe them ;)

    Exercise is so good, so try to keep up bike rides (are you still riding to work?)

    And if you can get some valium, just a low dose even just to take the edge off the anxiety. I have been taking 2.5mg when I get anxious while withdrawing from methadone and it really helps. There are also products like la-di-da suggests. Inparticular I've found magnesium powder helps relieve that ansty feeling (mild rls I guess but really annoying)

    Love and strength to you cc you can do this:D
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