I don't know how much more of this I can take..
Someone is dealing just over the back of my house and I can see everything from my bedroom window..it's driving me crazy...
It started last night and I know that pick up points change all the time but likely to be there for at least rest of today...I don't need this..my home is my only safe place for me during withdrawals..
I can't help keep looking out the window and torturing myself as can see them all hanging round the phone box waiting for the runner to turn up...I would have been one of them only 10 days ago and I'm not strong enough yet to deal with this..
My plan is to get ready for work and leave the house as early as possible this morning...I was hoping to go to my first ever NA meeting before work but am now so uptight and stressed I don't know if I can go..what if I'm expected to stand up and speak in front of everyone..wot if someone tries to give me a hug while I'm all sweaty with crawly skin...ughhh I can't bear the thought of being touched feeling like I do at the moment..
Knowing that relief from all this is waiting for me right outside my house is crazy..why don't they fuck off and go find a different pick up point..
My brain is going from feeling strong enough to continue on with withdrawals to fuck it I'm gonna use...it's torture..
I'm trying to convince myself that if I was strong enough to resist scoring last night after finding out about new pick up point then I can do it today..Just need to get out the house as quickly as possible this morning..I hope the sun comes out so I can enjoy my bike ride into work..
Hopefully when I get home later the scene would have moved on elsewhere and I'll get my sanctuary back but I gotta get out the house first and dodge all temptation..