ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 77

By charliecat · Aug 22, 2014 · ·
  1. I don't know how much more of this I can take..

    Someone is dealing just over the back of my house and I can see everything from my bedroom window..it's driving me crazy...
    It started last night and I know that pick up points change all the time but likely to be there for at least rest of today...I don't need this..my home is my only safe place for me during withdrawals..
    I can't help keep looking out the window and torturing myself as can see them all hanging round the phone box waiting for the runner to turn up...I would have been one of them only 10 days ago and I'm not strong enough yet to deal with this..
    My plan is to get ready for work and leave the house as early as possible this morning...I was hoping to go to my first ever NA meeting before work but am now so uptight and stressed I don't know if I can go..what if I'm expected to stand up and speak in front of everyone..wot if someone tries to give me a hug while I'm all sweaty with crawly skin...ughhh I can't bear the thought of being touched feeling like I do at the moment..
    Knowing that relief from all this is waiting for me right outside my house is crazy..why don't they fuck off and go find a different pick up point..
    My brain is going from feeling strong enough to continue on with withdrawals to fuck it I'm gonna use...it's torture..
    I'm trying to convince myself that if I was strong enough to resist scoring last night after finding out about new pick up point then I can do it today..Just need to get out the house as quickly as possible this morning..I hope the sun comes out so I can enjoy my bike ride into work..
    Hopefully when I get home later the scene would have moved on elsewhere and I'll get my sanctuary back but I gotta get out the house first and dodge all temptation..
    C

Comments

  1. tryhard
    Come on mate hang in there ,,, the whole worlds gumma tempt you ,,, the anwser to everything is going to be the quick fix
    NOW mate , now you have to pour it on ,,, come on CHARLIECAT ,, 10 days CHARLIE , 10 days ,,,,,,20 fucken years CHARLIE.....

    Stay strong mate , you can do this ,,, dont worry bout the the shit out the back ,,, you dont want it ,,, CHARLIE YOU DONT NEED IT .....

    CHARLIE MATE , THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHERSIDE ,,, when its over you will see it Charlie , it is here ,, it is safe ,,,, but scairy,
    beutifull and precious ......it is still fun mate.....

    I no the head fuck of it all to well CHARLIE , was my biggest problem too ,, also bad fixxation for steel ,, shore you can understand, that to has faded off to nothing now....

    i did some wild shit mate ,, in my holding pattern , lasted bout 3 and a half years ,, i did the same thing ,, i used as often as i could and i hang out hate,in myself real bad.... mabey to the piont where it simply felt better to hangout then to use and be depress , ashamed and hopelessly lost all the time.............
    i call it a holding pattern , because like a plane in bad weather , YOU are in like a set pattern ,, not in but not out ,, the cloud
    is just to thick and you cant see what its like!!!!!
    still wanting it mate but you dont need it CHARLIE.......

    OH CHARLIE , i feel sad mate .... i feel like we are stuck in the mud mate and no matter how hard you try you cant get out......
    i am not far away but cant get to you to drag you free ...........
  2. TappingSoftly
    If I were you I would not sit home and watch deals out my bedroom window. That seems like an almost irresistable temptation. An NA meeting sounds like a good idea. You don't have to talk, and if you don't no one will try to hug you. Some people say going to a meeting every day in the beginning is important (30 meetings in 30 days). I was never into it myself, but you have to do something. You can't just sit there and watch people buying drugs out your window when you're trying to get clean. Is it possible to stay some where else for a few weeks?
  3. TheFinisher
    Charlie ?? how's it going sweetheart ??
  4. Capo
    Hey Charlie,

    Are you living on your own or have you got someone there with you? Being on your own can sometimes make it harder because you've got less to distract your mind from it's natural habit of obsessing about drugs. The times I've been the best part through a rattle, still oozing that toxic sweat that doesn't go away even though you've just scrubbed head to toe in the shower, looked across the street and every black BMW that passed by was the dealer. I bow down to what you're doing at the moment. Loooong habit, cold turkey, working through it - takes a lot of strength of character to do it. It makes me think how lucky I've been in the past where I've been in similar situations with rattling and detoxing at work because I've been working in jobs where it's normal to be sweaty, with lots of heavy lifting and up and down stairs all day.

    I think maybe going to a NA meeting is a good idea, like has been suggested above. Nobody's going to grab hold of you and lecture you. If you're still detoxing then people will definitely be very considerate to how you're feeling, they've all been there themselves. You'll probably find a few in the same boat as you there too, fresh off a relapse or just days into recovery for the first time. I won't bang on about it all day, but I've never felt unwelcome at an NA meeting. The other brigade I have, but NA is (in my opinion) more chilled out.

    The very best of luck to you, keep up the strength you've shown and you'll only get stronger, even though it might not feel like it right now.
  5. marathonmel7
    Hey Charlie Cat, just wondering how you're doing? Are you still sober? I hope you're doing ok. Just want to check in.
  6. TheFinisher
    Hey Charlie ?? no update may be a good thing ??

    You know my wd symptoms, the anxiety, panic attacks, skin burn etc. have all but vanished.
    My motivation, enjoyment level is back up.
    I still get a little fatigue after a long hard day and that is getting better all the time.

    It's been a long hard thing to do, but, well worth it.

    I can say I'm 99% better and It feels GREAT charlie
    My friends say I'm back on line, looking good and much more positive about life and towards my goals. I have regained the respect of friends and family,,,in fact,, they feel it takes a stronger person to beat addiction than someone who has never had to deal with such a monster.
    Keep in mind that anything addiction has harmed will heal itself with a lot of determination and resolve.
    You have so much to look forward to if you can just tough it out.
    I'm back rompin and stompin baby!! With time, you can get back too.....

    Wishing you the best charliecat,

    The Finisher
  7. Serak The Preparer
    Hi charliecat, I've tried to read as much of this as possible and as mentioned above - I hope no news is good news where you're concerned.

    Regarding the sweating; antiperspirant's contain Aluminium Chloride in low doses. You may need a brand that contains more of this. It's called "Odaban" in boots and is about a tenner per bottle (over the counter). If you're lucky you might be able to find a generic version at a lower cost.

    I noticed that you're in employment throughout your addiction which makes you a lot stronger than me so there is no doubt in my mind that you can get past this.

    You've not updated for a few weeks so good luck whatever stage you're at.

    Look after yourself!!
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