ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 78

By charliecat · Sep 25, 2014 · ·
  1. Thank you everyone for your posts and support.

    After my last post some weeks ago I went back to using multiple times a day yet again...why is it so hard to NOT do something. Back to my own little drug island which is getting smaller and smaller by the day..

    I can't believe how fast I've sunk since my decision to try and quit a year ago after 20+ years of addiction..before that decision to quit I always kinda kidded myself that if I wanted to stop I could...having never experienced a full on withdrawal before I didn't really have a clue what torture both mentally and physically withdrawals are...now after so many failed attempts I finally realise that maybe I just don't have it in me..

    Losing the safety net of my whole family who apart from 2 of my children and my brother have all died recently (11 family all related to drink or drugs) ending with the death of my mum a few months back of liver failure and a good friend few weeks back from drink and sleepers who never woke up after a Saturday night out..

    Now there is only me in charge..I only have me to rely on and I have 2 kids to look after who are both grieving from all the deaths they have had to endure at their tender ages.. I worry for my daughter the most as I see so much of myself in her and know she has already possibly started on that early road of addiction hell and although I try to talk with her she doesn't get the magnitude of what addiction is just as I wouldn't have listened to anyone myself all those years ago..I feel so helpless and I often wonder if the scripts of our lives were already in place from birth and that is that..

    On a more positive note I am just starting day 5 of yet another cold turkey...all the usual shit..no sleep AT ALL..no food...no wash or change of clothes...Just pure misery with that black hole of depression seeming to get bigger with each attempt to get clean...How long can my body keep taking this kinda punishment...oddly I think it's not the years of daily shooting up that will kill me it's this constant roller coaster of trying to quit...not only is it hard on body and mind but my tolerance seems to drop quickly after only a few days clean making OD much more possible and feels like I have come close several times recently...
    I don't feel any sense of achievement having got to 5 days clean as know I could fuck it all up in a split second just like every other attempt so far....

    I know people probably wonder why I keep putting myself through this and don't just go get a maintenance script but I only like HEROIN and nothing else comes even close..it's all or nothing for me as with everything in my life...
    I feel absolutely tortured and lost at the moment...withdrawals I know but my brain keeps telling me this is it, this is how it's gonna feel for ever in a life without drugs..
    I just want some peace and time to think which for me means using as that's all I've ever done but I have to try and push on through this time or I'll have to do yet another day 1,2,3,4,5 all over again...
    I have to find the way off this mad roller coaster and escape somehow..

Comments

  1. tatittle
    I wanted to suggest a product called CERTAIN-DRI for the excessive sweating.

    It is a miracle product for me. I used get beads of sweat dripping down right after a shower when I wasn't detoxing, and had the nickname T-pit because I sweat so much. But I no longer have this problem ever if I use this "anti-persperant". It originally only came in a roll-on, but I have recently seen it in stick form too. It takes a few days to work; its a maintenance thing. Your supposed to apply it before bed rather than after a shower, but anytime is better than nothing. If I overdue it and apply it several times a day for a few days I will get a rash, so just let it build up and be patient. Apparently it closes the pours in the areas applied to (worst areas for you), and the sweat transfers to the rest of the body. All I know is it stopped me from a terrible non-stop perspiration issue so that it hasn't been an issue for years now.

    CERTAIN-DRI: They should have it at CVS Pharmacy.
  2. heroinhell
    Charlie I read your thread from post 1 and am now on page 11. I have been exactly where you are at, and your descriptions of all your symptoms bring me back to a time in my life not too long ago where I felt hopeless, depressed and I was in a very dark place. It's a living hell going through withdrawals all the time, then caving, then more withdrawals, then caving. It's a circle, constantly beating yourself up for using or feeling shitty for not using. Seems like a lose-lose.

    The pain and suffering and fighting for a mere existence in life is the most painful experience you will ever have. I feel very inspired by your story, since you have been trying to quit for a very long time now. Almost a year.

    Charlie you have to know you ARE WORTH SOBRIETY. You need to get some help with the first week, because cold turkey rarely works for anyone. You have an addiction, your subconscious REQUIRES heroin to SURVIVE. Your body thinks you are DYING when you don't have it, so trying to overpower that demon in your head won't work. You need to accept you are powerless over heroin. Once you start, you cannot stop. You have to do this for yourself. You have to ask yourself how much more suffering do I want? How willing am I to stay sober?

    I can tell you want more than anything to get sober. I was IV heroin user for a long time too.
    I'll share briefly what worked for me, this may or may not work for you but its worth a try. How willing are you to get clean and stay that way?

    A brief history on my drug consumption: Smoking weed at 13, moved through mushrooms, MDMA, benzo's, recreationally until age 17 started doing cocaine daily, taking oxys 4 times a week. 18-19 was taking 240mg of oxy a day and the next 14 months after was smoking heroin then moved to injecting it. Also was on an 8 month script for methadone, 90ml's a day from 19-20.

    I am 20 years old, my birthday was in May. Today I am 63 days clean and sober. No weed, no booze. No dope, no methadone. Completely sober.

    Withdrawals were tough. My taper looked like this on subs: 8mg, 8mg, 8mg, 6mg, 6mg, 4mg, 4mg, 2mg, 2mg, 1mg, 1mg, 0.5mg.

    It took a solid 30 days for the restless legs to go away. 8 days for the diarrhea to stop. 40 days for my energy to return. 28 days to get a full 8 hours sleep at night.

    Today I attend 1-2 AA/NA meetings a day to remind myself to stay in recovery. It hasn't been easy, but its working for me and I have completed my step 5 last week.

    If I can do it, you can do it. It's a matter of asking for help, not will power. Get a sponser, get a home group, start connecting with people in recovery, that is the only way you will STAY clean. Getting clean was easy compared to staying clean. Everyday I want to use, but I have people in my life who I can call when I need help or when I feel like using.

    Even when that phone feels like a thousand pounds, make the call.

    Nobody has to die from this disease, and nobody has to suffer any longer. I feel human today, I feel like myself again. I thought I was using to feel normal, but I didn't know what normal was. I felt numb, I hated myself, I was dying. Today I am alive, and I am grateful.

    One day above ground is a gift from God. If you want to talk privately feel free to message me.

    Best of luck to you charlie, I believe you can do it.You are a very strong woman and all the pain and suffering you've gone through hasn't been for nothing. You have experience, let this withdrawal be the last one you EVER have to experience. I will give you my phone number on private msg and you can call me every 10 minutes if you like. I want to see you succeed more than anything, nobody needs to suffer from this illness.

    You've made a mistake, but you are NOT a mistake. You are a human and you have feelings. Once you stop numbing them your body will heal and you will go back to homeostasis.

    I truly believe in you and I hope you start to believe in yourself. I have nothing but love for you Charlie, many people get discouraged and never quit this junk. You are fighting a battle every single day. I am so proud of you and I honestly want you to keep in contact with me. Talking to people really helps with the cravings.

    Love you. You deserve to be happy and clean.
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