ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 79

By charliecat · Sep 26, 2014 · ·
  1. HH OMG your words bought tears to my eyes all day yesterday. Your so young but seem to have lots of wisdom and insight. Thank you...
    Thank you to everyone who has posted on my thread...I have read every post multiple times in my hours of need and shed many tears..
    I find it difficult and upsetting to hear anything positive about myself and acts of kindness from people often make me want to cry cos I always think I'm not worthy..I don't know why? Probably all the scheming and scams I've pulled over the years to get through 20 years of living a junkie lifestyle. Addiction does make you selfish and manipulative although I always try to deny this it's the truth..

    I'm just coming into day 6 and somehow got about 2 hours sleep tonight from midnight until 2ish...although I was desperate for sleep I feel like shit since I woke up about 2 hours ago now and not sure what is worse...having no sleep or this horrible feeling...apart from making a cup of tea I have not been able to move since waking...Just sat on chair in dark paralyzed with fear and anxiety..

    I'm so scared if I fuck this up and have to go through this all again...
    Scared if I don't start eating soon I'm gonna get real sick..
    Scared to leave the house even though I desperately need to get some groceries etc...
    Scared that someone will try to talk to me...
    Scared that these feelings may never end...
    I need one of those little manic highs that often happen during withdrawal...Just to let me know my body is still capable of feeling something other than this pain...

    There is a NA meeting round the corner from my house at 730 this morning. I want to go but don't know if I can go out just yet and I'm still in same clothes I started this detox in..ughhh
    I have made big effort to go to this early morning meeting before but no one was there and the church hall was all locked up.
    Here's to another day...
    Peace and strength to everyone in withdrawals at the moment...

Comments

  1. marathonmel7
    Hey Charliecat! Congrats on day 5, that's so awesome! You said something about not being worthy… that's not true. You are worthy and you're loved. Your DF family cares for you and you have your children that love you. I'm so proud of you for fighting this battle again. You have shown your persistence and strength. Your body has got to be tired from this using, detoxing process. It's hard on you. I know this because i'm doing the same thing right now only in shorter increments. I get a day or so clean and then I relapse. It's pathetic.

    I just want to say that I support you. Me, you and Tryhard are all in this together. Let's fight this! You deserve a better life. I understand not wanting to go out while detoxing. I feel the same way but I can't afford to not go to work. It's tough and that's why I keep relapsing.

    Keep up the good work. You're a special person that's really had it rough. Just keep being positive and pushing for your goals, you'll get there. THink of how proud your children will be to have a sober mom. You can do this!

    I will be thinking of you as I go through my detox. You're an inspiration to me. Keep going!
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