ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 80

By charliecat · Sep 26, 2014 · ·
  1. OMG so many up and downs today and its not even midday yet..

    Started very bad with high physical symptoms and paralysed with anxiety and fear after waking from first 2 hours sleep in 6 days..

    Then got a massive boost just from an unexpected phone call that spurred me on so much..thank you TH

    Actually then got in a bath and threw the clothes I had been wearing non stop for a week straight in the bin as I never wanted to see them again and didn't think that horrible smell of withdrawal would ever wash out..

    Enjoyed the bath so much I stayed in for ages which meant I never got to the NA meeting but it didn't matter as earlier phone call more than made up for it..

    Forced myself out the house to take kids into town for new trainers but saw dealer serving up...felt so sick with fear I started dry heaving, sweating and crying had to rush home with my kids who got upset and wondered what was up with their mum..and now I'm back home locked in my bedroom to scared to even switch my phone on in case dealer calls to ask why I never spoke to him....
    I was born in this city but I'm beginning to wonder if I may have to move away or temptation will always be right under my nose..but couldn't bare to move away from my brother who apart from my kids is the only family I have left...
    So here I lie in my bed with all the usual shitty withdrawal symptoms and usual war raging in my head and I'm on day 6 with no relief in sight still..wtf
    I don't know what to do anymore...fucking hell it's not like I havnt tried but it's just so fucking hard...

Comments

  1. tatittle
    I have found that moving can be that extra component that leads to success for somebody who is really dedicated to living clean. We still bring ourselves with us as they say, hence still have to learn to deal with the things that drove us to use before. But all the "people, places, and things" triggers that can be so challenging in early recovery are erased from the equation. A new home allows us to build a positive new life more easily as well, since we have no "old life" in the new location to fall back into. Of course all the benefits of moving are immediately lost if we start seeking out drugs; and doing things like going out drinking can lead to this place even when that wasn't the intention. There are usually very real reasons not to move, but remember that whatever we place before our recovery will eventually be lost.
  2. TheFinisher
    charliecat,,,,, yes,,,,it's an extremely hard thing to do. The journey requires total commitment and resolve.
    You have to want life more than drugs

    I'm by no means perfect and do not want to seem arrogant, but this is where my stubborn mind set and determination has prevailed.

    I have never wanted anything or anyone to control me. My entire life I have never allowed that to happen, given this one exception. That was something I had to correct no matter how much I suffered,,, and O I did suffer charliecat. There were times I thought my eardrums were going to pound out of my head My mind went into a terrible repetitive looping madness..... but,,,,

    I trusted what people were telling me, I trusted what professional addiction specialist were saying,,,,
    I read a lot about what was going on with others in the same situation that had overcome addiction
    They all said the same thing """it will pass""",,,,you will regain your life if you want it bad enough.

    It's true charliecat

    Wishing you the best sweetheart,
    The Finisher
  3. Rainmom
    Man, you sure have been through it. My doc was not the same but I know for me changing my number, tossing all my equipment helped. I also did inpatient rehab which I know you have said you can not do. So let me just share a few things.

    Get to an NA metting. Just do it..no one cares what you look like, how you smell...etc. you do not have to speak, you don't have to share anything. Just listen if your 24 hours clean get your 24 chip/keychain and keep it around your neck cling to it!

    Another thing that stuck with me was something the manager of the rehab said to me..."no matter what you never have to use drugs again" she said that to me when I was leaving (at 6 months clean) I totally thought I would just use recreationally after leaving but to this day (8 years clean) I can still hear her saying that to me.

    Next, change your number! Change your address what ever positive changes you need to be away from the dealers.

    Another wise word from NA was 1 (hit) is too many and 1,000 is never enough. NA will help most (I'm not a huge believer in many of the practices) but it is good to hear others recovery stories, and get friends/Spencer's who will talk you down when you feel like using. At the very least having like minded folks to talk to.

    I really hope you kick this thing for good! It's not an easy road but just keep doing the next right thing!
  4. TheFinisher
    The last couple of nights have been so nice, a deep relaxing sleep, calm dreams and no panic in the mornings. Life stuff as usual but "WOW" what can I say except "Phucn A" The shit is gone forever !!!
    I can finish this world with a clear mind and clear conscience......
    not to mention I have this really sweet little girl in my sights, OMG she is like the cutest and I mean cute girl with thick brown hair and the most awesome pretty brown eyes. As she's leaving my presence, there's this way she looks back at me with those big brown eyes,,, just sends me reeling

    can't stop thinking about her


    and she wears jeans O man does she wear jeans !!!
    can only be described as " Free Spirited and Carefully Untamed"

    I never thought this would happen ,,, not to me.

    OMG NO,,,,,,,,,YES !!! LOL

    See what happens when you decide to leave a bad situation and change your life !!

    If nothing else,,, and yes I am struck hard,,, but I could die tomorrow and be happy just because she became part of my life.


    Phuc Sakes,,,, this girl is cute !!


    bye for now,,,
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