ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 81

By charliecat · Sep 27, 2014 · ·
  1. I went and scored a one shot bag about midnight last night..and sleeeeeeeeeeepppppttttt

    After a whole week of pain....

    Gutted and upset at myself...

    1 of 2 things always happens at this point in past I either try and push on with my detox even though that one shot will drag the misery of this withdrawal on even longer or I pick my habit straight back up where I left it a week ago..

    I know what I want to do and I feel determined at the moment to push on with detox but as is quite clear by now I am a complete dickhead whose words and actions are often completely different things...

    Fuck

    charliecat added 647 Minutes and 39 Seconds later...

    The day got progressively worse today ending with me spending 2 hours chasing for another shot all round town...
    I could have stopped the process at any time while being fucked around and told to go to this place and then a different place..u know how it goes sometimes when you trying to score..
    I could here all the reasons in my head about why I shouldn't use 2nd time but it's like my body just went ahead on auto pilot and did it anyway...
    I know that sounds like a cop out and it probably is but it's like I was screaming out to myself to stop and go home but I just couldn't...I had to carry on until my mission was completed...like a primal inbuilt urge I have no control over...sounds pathetic I know

    .it feels like I wanna slam on the breaks but I don't know where they are or how to use them so nothing happens and I hurtle full pelt into yet another disaster...and now Ive slammed yet another week's worth of withdrawals and pain straight down the pan..or rather straight up my arm...
    God my endless fuck ups must be frustrating for even other addicts let alone non addicts...
    I now have no dope left and am back to work in the morning...
    Today would have been day 8 but I used last night and again today..I wonder what I will feel like tomorrow if I did manage to get back on the wagon before it completely overturns....I suppose I'll find out won't i
    Fuck..fuck..fuck...

Comments

  1. Kitts
    Charlie, if you absolutely HAD to do one of the following, which would it be?

    1) Go to rehab
    2) Start a Suboxone script
    3) Start a Methadone script
    4) Move area

    Also, if this thread belonged to your best friend, what would you advise her to do? Can you think of any kind of alternative to the life you're living now?

    I really think you need a new plan, Charlie.

    Love and best wishes,
    Kitts xx
  2. Rainmom
    My dear, what your going through is dreadful..I just don't think you can do this alone. I strongly strongly urge you to consider rehab. I know it's not an easy choice to make but I do fear for your life! The constant wd is not good mentally or physically.
  3. TheFinisher
    charliecat,, I believe Rainmom is correct. I do not believe you can do this by yourself either,,,You need to seek some serious help.

    Your mind and body can not continue to take this.
    You need to take into consideration how this is and will affect your children's lives.
    Seriously, where are your kids while you are sick and uncontrollably roaming around.

    No more sugar coating from me !!
    Get help now, for yourself and especially the children.

    Face the truth charliecat,,,,you need many months possibly years of rehabilitation.
    Those children also need some very intense direction in life. They do not deserve to be brought up in the atmosphere you are forcing on them. How it is possible for you to raise children charliecat ? It's not possible and that's a fact. Do you have any idea how they are affected and what is going on in their little minds while you are sick, mentally fucked up and deadsleeping ?

    Those kids need all the guidance they can get to break this cycle of inherited family related addictions
    If you are incapable of helping yourself, at least do everything you can to help them.
    Get the kids out of it charliecat. If you are incapable of helping yourself, at least do everything you can to help them.
    Go to a hospital and beg for help before it's to late.

    The Finisher
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!