ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 82

By charliecat · Sep 29, 2014 · ·
  1. From somewhere I seem to have pulled it back today and am back on track..
    Completed a day at work and didn't feel to bad..managed to tuck into a pile of sandwiches that had been left for us for coming in on a weekend..bonus..
    Now back at home...
    I think the combination of withdrawals and no sleep for days makes me little cranky so just getting sleep last night has made big difference..
    Thefinisher thank you for all your support but feel I need to point out my "kids" are not children any more but grown and living with me...and yeah we had and have lots of conversations about the whole addiction thing so they are very aware..something I wish I had been armed with...I don't really wish to give any further detail about them but they are fine and doing well..there is no need to be concerned..
    Kitts your post slapped me in the face and made me think and of course your right...if I don't do it this time I'm going to try and sort out a methadone taper. Something I thought I would never say but yes something does have to change. It's just so difficult to admit this got me beat and give up...even writing those words fires me up to wanna do this my way it's so so hard to think and admit to my self that maybe I can't I just havnt got it in me...and that sucks...but thank you for the wake up call. Seeing the options staring at me forced me to reconsider my thoughts about each of them...so I thank you for that.

    But for now I still havnt given up with this attempt and am hoping my lapse hasn't set the withdrawals back to much although am experiencing some now and expecting more to come. I'm Feeling really determined and spurred on at the moment. I wish I could bottle the times I feel strong and keep some for those moments of weakness...
    Work tomorrow.
    I know lapses are not good but I really feel so much better just for having got some sleep yesterday..clearly lack of sleep is a trigger for me so I might look at accessing a sleeping tablet something I have 0 experience with...

    Hay I don't know anymore but it would of been day 9 tomorrow..yes I fucked up big time yesterday...but somehow I've managed to get another foothold and I'm back in the running..

    charliecat added 663 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...

    I'm back in the game..
    No sleep at all last night but I'm ready for this...fuelled by anger I have found the brake pedal and both feet are slammed down..
    Nothing gets the better of me..I need to remember who I really am as I know I've got the strength to get through this...I havnt survived over 20 years of addiction for nothing...I am strong..

    For now I'm off to work for the day on my bike..

    I can do this..
    I am doing this...

    Determination 10...Heroin 0

Comments

  1. soso
    I feel bad for you Charlie, I've been where your at and know how shit it is, all the time you've spent in WDs you could have done your rattle a hundred times over.
    If sleep is the thing making you fuck up all the time then get some sleeping pills. If you can score heroin a few pills shouldn't be a problem.
    I don't want to offend you but I think deep down a part of you wants to use.
  2. tryhard
    Good on you charlie , you keep going ,, what can we learn from countless attempts .....
    Don't rush it mate , if we could do this as a premeditated move ,, what would you do ,, different or better. ??

    More vitamens ,, better food ,, more hydrating drinks ,, just to be more organized maybe ????
    I have found that the more I tyred ,, the more relaxed I could be ,, down to down right casualness ,, it never made the perfect
    Setup but what is. .....

    I have always had to do it on the street or in me car or at sometimes house that knows and that's only 3 people ..........
    Its hard when my reality is I have nowhere to be ,, nowhere to go , apart from here at Hartattacks place. .......

    I have got plans but still have to wait a few weeks to be able to start my comeback plan......
    Its all going to be fine and the new job just works in perfectly. ......

    I had a dream once , where I could have everything I ever wanted ,,, all I had to do was try and work hard , ignore outside influences and stay focused .... what ever I wanted. ......

    I plan to seek more work I can occupy my time with ,, then when I can save a bit and for the first time in over a decaid ,, I might be able to sleep in a bed. .....
    just to be able to have somewhere to go would be cool. ....

    Charlie you can find the peace and happyness you truly deserve. ..........
    My best to you , always thinking about you. ......try to take some comfort in the fact you are trying hard to help yourself and
    You are constantly trying to improve your life. .....
    Take a bow Charlie for you deserve it mate. ...
  3. heroinhell
    Our brains are designed to use. You wouldn't post here or be honest if you didn't have good intentions. I know you want to quit, and a 28 day program would do you extreme wonders. Or go to detox for 7-10 days, they give you meds to help with the sleep. If you go the methadone route you will need to use it the rest of your life trust me. Methadone is 30x worse withdrawals than heroin and they last very long I'm talking months and months. do yourself a favour and check into a detox, you'll be doing good for once and you won't have to fight this battle alone. Because you will lose. When we addicts are in active addiction the only way to get clean is by letting other people help us. Your addiction is in your brain, and it loves you trying to conquer this on your own because when ur not on the needle it's doing push-ups waiting for you. If you don't want to go to rehab or detox then that's a reason you should go. And deep down inside you know it, but you're so far in denial and so self willed and your addiction is so powerful it's going to kill you I guarantee it. If you want to beat your disease then get some help. You know it will work, and if you don't like being sober well your devil friend is in a syringe waiting for you at any moment. Give sobriety a try, get through a proper medically supervised detox and stop killing yourself please.

    heroinhell added 4 Minutes and 48 Seconds later...

    I wake up one morning, and what do I see?
    A stranger in the mirror, looking back at me.
    Disgusted inside at who I’ve become,
    Addiction has taken down yet another one.

    I should’ve known better, Mom and Dad struggled too
    Just thought I was stronger, I see now that’s not true.
    Wish I could go back to the good days and break free
    I would take it all back, and do it over you see…
    Guess you live and you learn, can’t take back time
    Though I yearn….
    But I can change the future and take the wheel, it’s my turn.

    So I stand up and fight, push back with all my might
    Only to get kicked back down in the night.
    Sometimes feel I can’t do this, should I just face the music?
    This demon is too strong, I’ve been fighting too long
    Tempted to wave the flag, and throw in the towel
    They say I have it in me, right now I’m wondering how?

    One more battle, one more try, One more breakdown, One more cry.
    One more moment, I wish I would die.
    Then something happens deep down inside.
    Minute by minute, hour by hour….
    Slowly gain back my will and my power.
    Day by day, week by week, I am no longer weak.
    I’m real, I am me, I am free…..I am free….
  4. TheFinisher
    charliecat, my bad on that last post....I stand corrected.

    I get a little teared up and angry sometimes
    It's just really upsetting and it hurts to feel your pain.

    I know what your going through
    and I wish nothing more than the best for you.

    Please get the help you need charliecat,,, Please

    The Finisher
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