ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 84

By charliecat · Oct 16, 2014 · ·
  1. Hi guys,
    I'm doing alright (ish)..
    Few slip ups here and there but still determined to carry on going forward
    I'm now using less in a week than I previously did in one day but I know it still nowhere near good enough.
    My main problem at the moment is the on going hot and cold sweats, very little sleep but by far the worse is the never ending black hole mood I have..I scare my self with the black thoughts I get. I'm scared of where they take me and what I might do.
    Nothing seems to bring me any joy...Just completely flat all the time..

    I worked out that over the past year 12 weeks of it has been spent in acute withdrawals which is crazy. I can't believe that up until a year ago I had never even felt a proper withdrawal in the 20 years of daily using and now Ive had 3 months of them in only one year.

    Im so confused. Why do I keep going back time and time again? Surely it must mean I don't wanna be clean or I wouldn't keep sabotaging my every attempt..
    Just as I'm getting towards the end of physical symptoms I go use again and set the clock back to yet another day 1. A normal sane person would not do this to themselves.
    I think I'm scared of being clean. Scared of never feeling truly happy. Scared shitless of what's on the other side...
    I'm not sure which of my feelings are real and what is just the withdrawals and my addict brain trying to con me into fucking up again.
    I keep thinking back to other long term addicts I've known that have cleaned up and I've probably said this before but they were not happy when clean and all died a few years after getting clean (one from over eating!). I keep thinking what's the point.
    I just don't know any more. I've forgotten who I am. I have no idea what I want or where I'm going.
    I go to bed thinking of dope and I wake up thinking of dope and that's if I havnt been awake all night also thinking about dope.

    Fuck this is driving me insane. I just want this to end and feel normal what ever that is. I'm so tired with the fight.

Comments

  1. marathonmel7
    Hey Charliecat. I can't help but respond to your message. I am seven days clean and I want to punch holes in the walls, beat people up, throw rocks at windows, and throw knives at trees. I feel lost and lonely. I have no one and nothing. I lost my job, ran out of money, and am relying on my parents to keep my electricity on and for groceries to feed myself and my dog. I can honestly say that death seems more appealing than being sober. I hate heroin but I love it. If I could use the rest of my life I would but the truth is, I can't. I've lost everything but my apartment and my dog. Oh and I still have my car even though I'm behind on the payments.

    Charliecat, I don't know if things are going to get better but I know that if I use one more time, my parents will cut ties with me and I will end up on the street with all the other junkies. You have to fight. The only way we can get through this is by giving ourselves time. It takes time to truly embrace sobriety and our feelings. We are used to being numb all the time.

    I know what you're feeling about the erratic body temperature. I feel the same and it's disgusting. Hot and cold, hot and cold, sweaty, smelly and annoying. Then there's the insomnia. It's enough to drive a person insane. I feel like I'm being punished by quitting heroin.

    You've been using for a very long time. It's going to take your brain a very long time to return back to normal if normal is even possible for you. Happiness will come but it's going to take a whole lot of time to get there. The key is consistency.You can't go back and forth to heroin. You have to make a commitment to use or to stop but you can't keep doing what you're doing and being in limbo. You need to pick a side and commit to it and I hope you decide to quit.

    There has to be beauty in life somewhere but we are never going to find it high on heroin all the time. You've got to fight Charliecat. You can do this. If I am doing it, you can do it too. It's perhaps the hardest fight of your life but it's doable. So my advice is to pick a side and stick with it. If you want to use then use and forget about quitting and just move on with your life and try and make the best of it. But, if you want to quit then commit to quitting and give it your all. You deserve better. We both do.

    Give yourself a break and put it down. Give yourself a chance and shed the old Charliecat and transform yourself into a new person. This transformation is a difficult one but it should be worth it in the end. Break free from your prison. Leave your past behind and start a new future. I am here for you. I am breathing your same air suffering your same pain and I'm here to tell you that you're worth it. Dig in deep Charliecat and tell heroin goodbye. This is tiring and will wear you down to nothing. You have support here though. Keep fighting Charliecat. You can win.
  2. Golddust Woman
    Dear CharlieCat,

    I have to say your story has really made me think about my own life a lot. I have sat here reading your entire journal today and tried to think what it must be like to be you. And then I saw a little blonde girl running and getting taller and older as she ran. She has been running her whole life. Is that little girl me?,Or you?or both of us?

    I know you have been using drugs since you were 15? Or perhaps were you messing around even younger than that? I know I have. I tried alcohol at 11 out of curiosity, cigarettes at 12, because it seemed so cool, different pills like speed or downers ( heck don't really know) and then coke and weed.

    Finally, got clean, got married, had two children, worked hard, but still was feeling like different from everyone.

    I had some real personal tragedies and heartaches over the course of the next 20 years.All in all, we all have had many heartaches and hard times. I guess that is what part of life is. But there is so much joy and happiness also.

    I am at the point I am tired of slowly killing myself, and I think you are too. I can do it and so can you. It is time to wake up and realize all the good things we have. accomplished in our lives messed up and to quit running and running and love ourselves enough to do whatever it takes to get clean

    Golddust Woman added 6 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

    We need to love ourselves enough to do it. You can do it. Don't be afraid if the other side. It beckons you and I both. All we have to do is quit being afraid. These members of DF are here to help us both. They are our support and strength when we can't do it anymore alone. But they cannot do it all for us, we have to stop and finally take whatever steps we know we have to. Peace and Love
  3. tryhard
    A CHARLIECAT ,,, ITS BEEN A BIT, , HOW YA GOING MATE? ???
    just wanted to put you back on top of this list, ,, something about our of sight out of mind. ..
    You are out of sight ,,, But never out of mind mate. ...

    Have missed you alot mate ,,, I no how it all gets to much ,, I can't even get on to my DM messages , to wright them out and clear them ,, like I have been doing !!!

    I no this is making things harder ,,,, but when I gave up trying , I gave up on alot , on so much. ..
    I got to a point , again ,, where I just could not cope and I did not ask for help , like I should have.!!!!!!!
    I am not really remembering much of the last few weeks , I have been very stoned. ...

    Need to send now.
  4. marathonmel7
    Hey Charliecat, how are you doing? I haven't heard from you in awhile and I'm worried about you. I hope you are doing ok. I know how tragic heroin addiction is as I am still struggling with relapse and recovery although I've been doing so much better.

    Anyways, give us an update if you would. We are all here to support you remember that. Don't ever be ashamed to update even if you're still using. We don't discriminate. You are loved whether you're using or not and that's what's so beautiful about this site.

    Ok Charliecat, take care of yourself. Hope you had a good holiday if you celebrate Thanksgiving.

    Always here,

    -Mel
  5. heroinhell
    Charlie how are u doing love??

    Hope your ok
  6. Caprice
    Hi charliecat, I feel obliged to post as your journal kept me through my own withdrawals for the past 10 days (and counting!) I started off just wanting to lower tolerance, no intention of quitting, love H too much, not the right time blah blah blah, you know the score, I'm sure.

    Whether your silence means you're doing well or not so well, I too am looking forward to your updates. Your journal gave me the courage to reevaluate my own life and why the hell do I want to go through withdrawals again and again, the high isn't even that good! Much like you, I've been trying to quit probably more often than the average user- 4 full kicks this year alone, and spent tens of thousands £££s on rehabs etc....

    At the beginning of this kick, I've convinced myself, after the last relapse, that there's no hope for me, I'm just fu*ked up and *need* dope like diabetics need insulin. Bullsh*t!!

    I would really recommend, from practical point of view, ordering some Kratom (super Indo variety seems to work best for me at least), and Etizolam. Kratom also acts on opiate receptors and Etizolam is a benzo but its legal so you can easily get it online and no one needs to know your business. I've done this kick at home, no methadone or Bupe, just OTC codeine, Kratom, Etizolam, Night nurse, nytol and Loperamide.

    Your blog made me WANT full recovery, so I can't thank you enough. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide, but do prepare properly, no one goes to war unarmed. Sending BIG hugs XxX
  7. Golddust Woman
    CharlieCat,

    Please come back and let us know how you are. No matter what we ate here to support you. This shit is a minute by minute, hour by hour struggle. It is our jail keeper. It is a fight that wears on the mightiest, but we must not give up or give in. I keep thinking about you. Well to be honest, I am downright worried about you.

    Always remember we are here for you.

    ((((((HUGS)))))))
  8. TheFinisher
    I guess if charlie is not coming back, I'm going to make my exit.
    This marks two years of complete sobriety for me.
    I'm never going back.
    I wish only the best for all those who are struggling and hope you can find the strength
    to dig deep, just as I have.
    I'm thankful to say the first year of withdrawls is now a vague memory.
    The second year not so much,,the last few months have been progressively better and better.
    Now there are only traces, just a partially bad day here and there once in a while.
    My next step is to put this experience completely out of mind.
    My New Years resolution is to restore my body back to good health, begin a serious
    exercise program ,lose a little weight and tone the muscles. (I'm eating to much good holiday food)

    Wishing you all the best
    A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !!
    The Finisher
  9. tryhard
    A mate , well another year down ay, hope all is good , me same same but all is OK ATM...
    Miss you hero , I need my inspiration back mate...!!!!!!!!!!!

    Anyways you have a great time with ya kids a , and you b cool Charliecat k!!!!!!!!!!
    Miss ya heaps and hope you come back to us as soon as ...
    Wishing YOU all the best mate ..........

    All my love C

    ANDY......
  10. marathonmel7
    Hey Charliecat, how are you doing? Haven't heard from you in so long and am worried about you. I hope you have a wonderful holiday this year filled with fun, laughter, love and good food. Would love an update from you. I'm 23 days clean from heroin. Life just keeps getting better and better. It's been a huge struggle but the people of DF have supported me like no other. They are what keep me going. You have my support as well and don't ever forget that.

    Looking forward to hearing from you. Take care dear.
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