I'm doing alright (ish)..
Few slip ups here and there but still determined to carry on going forward
I'm now using less in a week than I previously did in one day but I know it still nowhere near good enough.
My main problem at the moment is the on going hot and cold sweats, very little sleep but by far the worse is the never ending black hole mood I have..I scare my self with the black thoughts I get. I'm scared of where they take me and what I might do.
Nothing seems to bring me any joy...Just completely flat all the time..
I worked out that over the past year 12 weeks of it has been spent in acute withdrawals which is crazy. I can't believe that up until a year ago I had never even felt a proper withdrawal in the 20 years of daily using and now Ive had 3 months of them in only one year.
Im so confused. Why do I keep going back time and time again? Surely it must mean I don't wanna be clean or I wouldn't keep sabotaging my every attempt..
Just as I'm getting towards the end of physical symptoms I go use again and set the clock back to yet another day 1. A normal sane person would not do this to themselves.
I think I'm scared of being clean. Scared of never feeling truly happy. Scared shitless of what's on the other side...
I'm not sure which of my feelings are real and what is just the withdrawals and my addict brain trying to con me into fucking up again.
I keep thinking back to other long term addicts I've known that have cleaned up and I've probably said this before but they were not happy when clean and all died a few years after getting clean (one from over eating!). I keep thinking what's the point.
I just don't know any more. I've forgotten who I am. I have no idea what I want or where I'm going.
I go to bed thinking of dope and I wake up thinking of dope and that's if I havnt been awake all night also thinking about dope.
Fuck this is driving me insane. I just want this to end and feel normal what ever that is. I'm so tired with the fight.