ive finally jumped from 20 year Heroin habit - Part 85

By charliecat · Dec 27, 2014 · ·
  1. Haven't looked at my thread for a while as I couldn't face it...reading it makes me realise how pathetic I am.... doing the same shit over and over...

    I've been in a dark place recently and given up on trying to get clean. Convinced myself I need heroin like a medicine and without it I will never feel happiness or be able to relax again. When I try to kick I end up in a deep black hole with that horrible inner restlessness where my body is on edge 24/7 like a coiled spring waiting to jump...what if that feeling never goes and I have to spend the rest of my life feeling like that just so I can say I'm clean...oh I don't know...there all cliches that I've been clinging onto to keep me in this torturous grip of heroin addiction..

    Anyway the point of my post is that I have just looked at my thread for first time in ages and am overwhelmed with all the supportive posts from you wonderful people...
    It makes me think I'm not so alone, and people do understand without making any judgement of me. All the money in the world can't buy that and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart...

    What you have given me is renewed hope that maybe just maybe 2015 will be my time...I've just gotta go get it

    Happy New Year xxx

Comments

  1. soso
    Your not pathetic Charlie what your going through is one of the worst addictions on the fuckin planet, I might be clean now but I've been exactly where you are now and I know how hard it is, I struggled for years to quit and I failed to get clean for years.
    If you don't feel ready there's no point putting yourself through it over and over, just stay safe and try to keep your use as low as you can so if you do feel like trying again it will be easier the less your using.
    You got a lot of people here that will support you no matter what through good times and bad.
    Stay safe Charlie and go easy on yourself
  2. cbabycee
    This thread has brought me to tears so many times. You are not pathetic. Anything but. You are so brave. Very few people do this cold turkey, here I am now beating myself up over feeling crap switching over to subs and your going through that pain, willingly for days on end again and again.

    I'm wondering if one of the reasons you are so bent on not getting help or going to NA or getting scripted out of your town which are all options, which you never address, I wonder if it's because you still haven't fully admitted that you have a problem. Your brain is still arguing it's ok, it's arguing that strongly that you can go what 5 -6 days of pure physical and mental torture and it mean nothing.

    I'm wondering if that thought you had where you thought if I really want to get off this i could is still in there somewhere and the justification for not doing it is your not ready.

    Mentally you are not ready you really do need help. For 20 years every single thing life has thrown at has been fixed by heroin. Emotionally you have not grown since you started drugs, emotionally you do not have the tools to cope with the reality of the deaths in your family, and I hate to say if you do get clean, and something happens, I hknestly feel u will turn back to heroin, as u know nothing else. Believe me I know. I managed nearly 5 years clean and here I am 18 months using again.

    I beg you with every ounce of my weak withdrawing being, please pleas get councilling. Even if u get antidepressants. Will help with dealing with the harsh reality.

    Go to another town access their services as a homeless person or something. Go to NA. Before you try again. You may think you are ready, you need support in place. Of some form, and coping skills, and someone who will call u when u do try to check your ok, that will go a LONG way.

    I truely hope you are ok, I'm scared for you with these detoxes messing with your tolerance, and that your next hit could be too much.

    I hope this finds you well. I hope you can finally admit you need help. And get it. You are so much stronger than you credit yourself. I could never even imagine willingly going into full blown detox alone. With nothing. I'm struging with a lot of subutex. I hope this gives you perspective.
  3. Golddust Woman
    Dear CharlieCat

    It is so good to see you back here. You are being way to hard on yourself.i know about the constant anxiety, as I have been clean 5 months from Valuim (diazepam) and deal with it day and night.

    You really do need help of some sort. Go to a NA meeting, maybe someone there can point you to a good doctor that can prescribe something to help. The people there will also know what you are going .through. You really do need live support. At this point, how can it hurt? Please give it a shot. If you find it's not helping, you don't have to keep going.

    Remember we are here for you, so keep posting no matter what.

    GDW
  4. Denzil
    I allmost read this whole thread and I must say that you can be proud on yourself!
    In the beginning you managead 2 days, then 4-5 and eventually 14 if I remember correctly.
    You were learning how to stay clean, this is the evidence!
    You had so much willpower that whole time to quit again after relapse.
    I wish you the best, and hope you'll manage it one time!
    (Sorry for my bad spelling)
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