Friday 6-15-18 I gotta force a change. Quitting meth and opioids has paid some dividends and eliminated some problems and I'd do well to keep that in mind. But better ain't nearly good enough for me. I don't want my recovery to be just another exercise in mediocrity. I'm tired of hedging my bets. I'm tired of investing just the minimum amount required to stay in the game. I don't know exactly where I wanna go, but I know I don't wanna make camp here in this benevolent purgatory.
There's one impediment that holds me here. There's one sacrifice I ain't yet made. I'm gonna have to quit one last drug in order to make my recovery count for something meaningful. I gotta quit smokin weed.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to take this step, cut the final link with active addiction. But as long as I'm gettin high every waking minute of the day, I'm just short-changing myself in regards to the benefits derived from layin down the chemicals. My fundamental way of thinking ain't changed. I'm still scammin and scorin and lookin in my rearview mirror for cops. I'm still relying on a substance to carry me thru my day.
I addressed this issue early on in my recovery in a previous journal, but on more of an academic level. When I was dope sick I barely touched the devil's lettuce. But now I've come to depend on it to fill the void left remaining when I quit the chemicals and it can't possibly do that. I'm blazin like crazy, desperately trying achieve the buzz I need to feel right. And I never will. The shit don't even hardly get me high at all anymore, just leaves me in a tired, pissed off, frustrating, stoned out fog. I'm still thinkin in terms of a user and if I don't break the cycle I'm bound to eventually seek out a stronger drug that can get it done for me.
I've even been reading up on kratom, something I've never tried, but it sounds like another stupid half-ass false hope, a pointless drain on my finances that will keep me right here in this purgatory between recovery and full-out addiction.
Dope logic: trying to solve a drug problem by using more drugs.
So, will I quit? I imagine that I will. It won't be today. It's 4:30am and I'm blazin up lil bit right now as I get ready for work. No danger of me movin outta purgatory today. This toad that walks on two legs will keep walkin in a pointless circle out here on the tundra for a lil while longer.
As suggested to me by @Kickingthedemond88 (among others), I did block the meth source who's been houndin me lately, blowin up my fon to get me to come outside and play. See? I do listen sometimes. (I actually knew I'd have to cut ties with this person, but sometimes hearing it from a different direction spurs me to action. Just a lil shove will do. Many thanx).
6:30am. I just fired off a text to my weed guy. Reup. Sigh.