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  1. 64537cd09fac87037f0c87463c266fa0.jpg

    Its been 5 days on my new antipsychotic risperdal, i do like it alot better than olanzapine, nowhere near the appetite, or the tiredness i felt on that, so thats a plus.
    On olanzapine i could feel it dragging me down all day long, not feeling that way on this one.

    Im still not even sure i need this medication, but, im following doctors orders.I have to, considering how much heat has been brought down on my family the past 6 months.
    Truth be told, the way my husband was acting, and way he acted out being arrested, and considering the state has charged him with viloent felonies, still pending, i cant believe he wasnt ordered to take something as well. Guess thats the difference in sitting in jail vs sitting in a hospital. Doesnt seem right to me.

    I have full legal custody of our children now, i cant change that until his court proceedings are all done and over with. Theres still a chance he could sentenced to some jail time. its crazy how long things like this take.

    In the mean time. We have been getting pretty accustomed to using drugs on the weekends. This is good and bad in my eyes. We have only used MDMA or LSD, and our guy is waiting on some shrooms to come in real soon, so that should be interesting, so that is the way it will stay, not only because its whats around in our circle, but because i believe thats what we could use occasionally without getting addicted.

    I feel like these drugs, we actually benefit out of, the euphoria we get that helps us communicate with lower inhibitions, the honesty that comes out, those types of things.
    that doesnt happen with alot of drugs, and we've no desire to try something new.

    its actually been working out for the kids benefit to, we have been going out of our way to get them with relatives, cousins their age, things like that on the weekends we do this, and its good for everyone to get out of the daily routine, its not just adults that get bored, and they have fun letting an aunt or older cousin take them somewhere for a day and what not. so i feel no guilt on that aspect.

    We had 14 years of nothing but marijuana for drug use, and i guess, at 16 years, we have decided we may need a little assistance in opening up to each other recenty. We've not had the best communication over the years, more like 2 roommates that have the hots for each other, kinda just living side by side, rarely even talking. I swear its the bedroom thats held us together as long as we have. That and the kids.

    Ive reached a point where i feel, we need to start digging a little deeper if we are going to last, and i can tell he feels it to.

    The reason he snapped on me back in march was because i couldnt get him to recognize that our daughter was being treated unfairly at school by her principal. She truly truly wasnt. this girl, much bigger and older, grrrrrr, im not even gonna get into it. I confronted her mom, then 2 days later took it to the school. snapping pictures of my beautiful daughter posting them on snapchat calling her stupid and ugly!!! ARRGGGHH, still pisses me off.

    when i went to the principal, he tells me," Well maybe that little girl doesnt have a very good home life"....WTF!!??

    not my kids problem i told him, shes not getting treated fair and im going to file a report about it , I told him.
    He says, No, I will take care of it...

    When i got home, i was kind of pissed. My anxiety had me shaking from all of that.I told my husband i was tired of him making me handle everything like that, he shoulda been the one confronting this man, not little old me.
    And he just snapped, pulled his gun out flashing it around saying, " Fine, this how i will go handle it"....and everything just goes black from there for me, pretty much.
    I literally just spiraled out of control mentally from there.
    Normal me left the building, lol...probably until a good 2 weeks back on medications.

    My point is, I dont see what i could of done differently. My shrink tells me that my disorder pushed him to snap.
    I told him that was a very shitty thing to say. sometimes, i feel he wants me snap, just to prove hs bipolar diagnosis stereotypes, i truly do.

    My husband is,was an alcoholic, long before he met me. he had 2 failed families before he met. he had MDD long before he met me. How in the hell can you blame me for his reactions, i said that straight to him.
    He says we both should be medicated, and sometimes after so many years of being together, 2 people can start picking up each others symptoms. How lovely. We both do have OCD...

    He was interested in my daily activites,what i do to entertain myself, tells me how detrimental it can be for an intelligent person to feel bored.....So i told him the basics, i read, i write, i play with my 2 year old, use the internet a little bit, etc etc..

    he tells me the internet is the worst thing in the world for me. He has told me this on more than one occasion now. I told him, its what the world has come to, its what people do. How in the hell can you expect a person whos home more days than not to stay away from the internet!?

    He seems to really believe i would not have the anxiety i have if i could stay away from social media as a whole.
    it reminds me of something Perro once said, stay away if you value your mental health...I think theres alot of truth in that.

    So, i am trying to follow doctors orders, i mean, i hear him, what he said, how serious he was when he said it, parent like even. " Insert Name- stay off the internet, its bad for you"....and he wasnt fuckin around.
    My fear is, if i dont, is he going to be asking my husband if i listened to him, because he says he wants usboth in at the next appointment. I may tell him he couldnt miss work, ive used that before.

    I do not want us both in there. theres nothing to say. we both know the truth, and saying it outloud will only stir up negative emotions, so why, we are committed to getting these kids threw school together, atleast the older 2. who know what will happen by the time our little one starts, my first born will be graduating!

    Anyways, when we do these drugs like LSD and MDMA together, the empathy we have for each other is insane. i just cant imagine hurting him, it eats me up inside. I feel that way naturally, but when the drug hits, my god i feel like an asshole for everytime i resent him.I feel Like its my job to take care of him even. He says he gets the same emotions. They seem to stick around a few days afterwards to, and its a nice feeling.

    Problem is, I also start thinking about another person, i start feeling so torn, so stuck, so sorry that i dont feel IN LOVE with my husband. I do love him, alot, but something is missing, and we are both perfectly aware. It makes me feel so guilty, sometimes i even get thoughts of just offing myself in the heart department with adults, like life would just be so much easier. worry about my kids and thats it.

    When i do that, i get really depressed. I spoke with my shrink about this to. This is why he tells me to stay off the internet. He says its all my bipolarmaking me do selfish things.
    I told him i was pretty happy when my husband wasnt around, i felt like i could breathe more, i didnt feel like i had this black cloud hovering over me.
    Again, he tells me thats my selfishness in the disorder wreaking havoc in my life!

    by this point of the conversation ive decided, he is just a sexist pig. is it not pretty normal for a person to have thoughts like that, especially if theyve been with their mate long as i have, from 18 - 35!!??

    aye aye aye. No matter what i do, my diagnosis' will bury me into the ground. i will never escape them. they are written in stone, in my file now.
    So, now, not only am i stereotypical dumb blonde, but stereotypical selfish bipolar ungrateful stay at home mom to.

    One of these days i snap up a shot of my daily cocktails...Fuckin A...is one of these going to make me happy :) (fake smile)

Comments

  1. JaneGault
    I am glad you are working with a professional, you seem to be better. You really put it out there in your journals, I admire you for that.

    Please remember, it is called a medical "practice". I am sure the doctor is doing his/her best, but don't get too caught up with labels. It is like saying something is blue, how many different colors can be called blue?

    Wishing you the best, Jane
  2. detoxin momma
    Thanks Jane, you are right, labels arent fair to put on anyone, i was jsut feeling pretty pissed at the world that day.
    I really take to heart what my shrink says, i can tell he is a very intelligent, and very funny man, i like that. he just seems to put all the blame on the mothers.
    Im not sure if its his heritage or what, he is authentic nigerian, maybe they are breed sexist, lol, i dont know.

    When i say things like, " My husband doesnt care if anyones happy, including our kids, as long as we are there to complete his life", he will reply with something like, " well noones gonna be happy if the mothers not taking care of herself and her mental health"....AYE AYE AYE. it pisses me off.
    what about the fathers!?
    Do they have no effect on the kids!? moms cant be happy when their worried their mates arent taking care of themselves either. seems more like a domino effect to me, and he always put the mother, me, right at the top. really aggrevates me, but i stick with him, because i respect his professional opinion, and even though he says things i dont want to hear, i need someone like that in my life, and the responsible, wants to do right, part of me, knows it.
    so, like most women, i bitch and moan, but i comply. I trust his goal he has set for me, as in my anxiety and mania level being under control.
    Truth be told, i have felt alot better since i finally started taking the antipsychotic, i dont feel depressed, at all.

    I had like 2 weeks of bad depression, barly put toys away, started cooking frozen pizzas and shit for dinner, going to bed with the dishes still in the sink, lazy, depressed stuff i normally dont do.

    I havent felt that way all week, yesterday i organized toys and the newly remodeled kitchen all day, majorly. Things ive been avoiding because i just didnt care to.

    he was right, the antipsychotics are a multifunctioning drug.
    My anxiety is gone to. i can breathe perfectly fine, no struggling or tight chest at all. I dont feel so stuck in my mind at all, its actually really nice.
    My last manic episode had me wrapped up in my mind somethin terrible, for a good long time. I havent felt pulled out of entirely until recently, and i hate to admit it, but i think its the risperdal!

    who knew.

    Also, @JaneGault , thanks, i do put ALOT out there, but i assure you, for every word i say, theres probably one i dont. I'd say im 50/50....i keep alot bottled up to.
    If theres one thing ive learned, people dont want to hear the truth. we prefer sugar coated bullshit, just the way it goes.
    I do spill alot of emotions, i figure theres no point having a journal if you dont, and i dont read my entries, ever. If i did, i probably wouldnt type anymore,lol...I try to type like noones going to read it, but when i start really rambling, i have to remind myself, i do have a husband, and id be a fool to think he may not decide to log on here one day and see what i do.
    hes free to, i dont say anything i wouldnt say to him, mostly.

    If that time ever arose, i would simply say, well you didnt ask. He gives me the respect of having some privacy by not stalking me here, thats always how ive felt, because theres nothing stopping him from doing so.
    its also a reason i keep my DF use so limited.

    using the site while i drink coffee in the AM is one thing, sitting here typing like this while he were home would be pretty rude IMO.
    If i did that, i'd probably be in a totally different scenario, so i just dont.

    so anyways, i do put ALOT out there, but not all....Thanks for the well wishes. same to you.
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