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  1. Last line is gone.
    So anxious already did 1mg Xanax and 2 bars Lexomil.
    I'm scared of me, my thoughts. I am scared I will fall fast into depression. I'm scared I will suddenly get fat.
    Not sure how I will cope with anything or find pleasure in anything without coke.
    Trying to think of the positives like giving nose a break and getting some sleep.
    Normally right now I would be redosing and start a binge.

    About Author

    Quite messed up. Body and mind. Not sure if this one can even be saved. But lets try.


  1. Hopeless78
    @Rainflake I wish I had some advice for you, but I am feeling so, so shitty and depressed myself this week - the only thing I would suggest would be counselling and/or some support; it's so hard doing this as it is, but doing it by yourself is next to impossible. So sorry to hear you are suffering so much, just know you are not alone, I am struggling with the reality of being off opiates, but I know it won't last forever. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

  2. Rainflake
    @Hopeless78 I go to state funded therapy but its available once a month only.
    My family did not react well to the relapse I have previously done and I can't let them know about this one.
    Thank you so much for your support, even reading your journal made me reflect about not giving up and to try again x
  3. Bipolarcheer
    I can relate to your struggle, after almost 2 years using cocaine (now on an almost daily basis) I am facing the wreckage of my choices. Mainly financial right now. I also struggle with the fear of getting fat and wanting to redose. I just finished my last line too. I am utterly broke. My family thinks I have given up the habit several months ago. I don't want to tell them the truth. My mother can't handle it as it is. I am attending NA meetings and building a support network of women who are nonjudgemental and invested in seeing me succeed. Even though I've been honest with them that I keep going back and using. I'm making my dealer a rich man, if I haven't already, and I've gotten into debt and can't hold a job because I'm constantly detoxing. I'm living off of credit cards. My mother is coming into town to stay with me for awhile. She thinks I've been clean since December. I just can't break her heart and tell her. So my plan is to go cold turkey starting right now, with my last line gone. I try to stave off that depression too. Add to the fact that I'm bipolar. I was a functional woman before this addiction and I know I can't go back in time but I want my life to be different going forward. Please continue to post and we can maybe support each other. I start and quit jobs all the time. I need to keep it simple for awhile, but the financial stress triggers me to want to use. Ironically, the habit is pretty much causing me to have the financial stress. Feel free to PM me if you want to reach out. Best wishes xo
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