Hello DF and internet readers,
Day 13: 2 in the am and 3 in the pm - that's loperamide 2mg tablets.
Downer and Complainer alert!
I don't want to be a downer but......today has royally sucked. I have been in the foulest mood I've been in since last November when I started this wean down.
I slept 8-9 hours last night. Had nightmares, tossing and turning with sweats and RLS zaps. GEEZ!!!!!!
Woke up feeling sore and achy. Perfectly manageable, however. I mean, I got a shower and went to a meeting. Talked on the phone with people in recovery on and off. Ate a hamburger. My point, is that I was able to function. BUT MAN was I in a crappy mood. Everything pissed me off. Things that shouldn't and I am ashamed. But it is what it is. This MUST be withdrawals from loperamide.
It was like PMS X 10. Thankfully I kept my mouth shut mostly. I muttered a 'whatever' to my mom and dad when they asked what I was doing tonight. Nothing. I tried to get to a meeting but couldn't get a hold of anyone. Plus I didn't care if I saw anyone tonight. I just felt no joy or hope about anything.
Is this what Imodium does to people? Loperamide? I have been clean and sober for over a year and a half, but I feel like I have a flu-like hangover. I thought it would be easier than cold turkey. No, I KNOW it's better. But it still feels like I'm in a dark, dark cave and I feel alone.
Everyone is happy with their husbands, their kids, even grandkids, their jobs, their homes and cars and stuff. I have nothing. That is my fault. After my divorce, I sold everything and moved home. And here is where I am. Me -and nothing. I must rebuild my life. Maybe there is something here for me to do., to help others, to be of service somehow.
It just seems hopeless right now. Right NOW, I feel useless. Does anyone ever feel like this? My parents look at me like I'm crazy. They've been married happily for 48 years I KNOW!!!! And theyre secure and comfortable in their lives. I am not. My older brother is. I am not. I feel like a little leaf in a hurricane.
Ok. I am being silly and just full of self-pity! Forgive me! I'm not usually a sap. I'm usually bubbly and fun and creative and very funny. Not today though. I cant wait to see ME again. I miss that sweet and pretty girl. Where did she go?
I am lonely I guess. Emotions are all over the map. Oh yeah, I had moderate stomach pain for about an hour and took some zantac or rantidine or something like that. It got better quickly.
I just feel like a zero.
Much love and crappy hugs, GBread