Hi kitts and everyone!,
-------Warning -----rambling on about my life. Sorry , I'm just writing to sort out my feelings in my head.
I hope you guys know I don't expect everyone to read all this crap. Mostly I am just writing it out because I never have sorted through a lot of it and writing it helps me. Probably this stuff has a lot to do with WHY I am in the situation I am in, in recovery.
Just got back from therapy. Yeah this guy is my 'new' therapist and apparently he is in recovery! But all I got to do today was shake his hand and make my next appointment.
I am going to a meeting tonight. I really enjoy my meetings. To me, they are life and death. Recovery is anyways. When I was younger, in college, I went to meetings. I was serious about it, I mean I had miserable experiences with drinking, but I wasn't dying. I wasn't desperate. Now I am serious.
I want to live and live well now! But back then, I wasn't mature.
Why? Because in my 20s I was young, beautiful and I was never going to die. Sure, I had problems but dying? I felt immortal. As Ive grown older, I realize and know a lot of things I didn't know when I was younger. Don't know if that makes sense, but that's me. I had my future ahead of me, I was going to marry rich and have a beautiful home, beautiful children, etc etc.
Well, certainly life hasn't happened the way I thought it would. I made some horrible choices. I had a great career, the home, cars, the clothes and I had arrived! I had lots of good friends, hobbies, I was athletic and active. All kinds of creativity interested me. Arts and crafts, painting, piano and music, decorating, gardening, writing and etc.
Well, then I married a psychopath narcissist and here I sit. YES I chose him. YES there was a gut instinct voice telling me to run like hell! That was in 2003. Did I listen? Hell no! I was gorgeous and brilliant and by God I was going to change him. WRONG AGAIN.
I met him at a meeting. He had 8 months sober. I had 3 years. He moved into my house within a month and proposed to me shortly thereafter. This guy was a real charmer. Well, I have dated, been in love and had wonderful loving relationships in my lifetime, so I didn't know what real mental illness was. I mean, OK, so I have problems and I can ACT crazy, but I am not crazy.
Have you ever seen the Dateline mystery shows where the guy marries the woman and lies about absolutely EVERYTHING, including a honorable stint in the Navy during the war, where he worked, etc, including cheating on me the whole time and telling me he was going to meetings I KID YOU NOT!!
Then the woman finds out he has swindled her, taken her money, savings, loans without her knowledge and he is a liar? Well, that was me. and him. We could've been on that show. He did a WHOLE lot more than that but there's not enough room or time for that! Ill make a list here later of all the lies he told me and the stuff he did. Just for kicks. You would not BELIEVE IT.
My Dad did warn me. Shouldve trusted ole Dad. He was like, Honey, something aint right. Well he was right.
And thank God dad didn't do anything to get in jail from all that.
Of course I found out all this after I kicked him out after 3 years. Yeah I know. Its a long story, friends and I could write a book about it, but just to say.......I HAVE a HARD TIME trusting people!! hahaa
I can laugh at it now, but for a couple of years, I was shattered. I felt stupid, ashamed and started to isolate. I withdrew from EVERYTHING. My parents were so concerned because as I said, I was such a butterfly all my life. I resigned from my teaching job and I know they were glad because I was a total mess, crying at work.
Then I stopped going to meetings, some people took his side. Well he LOOKED good on the outside. I mean, he was this tall, very handsome guy, and women always melted around him. And, well, I looked like a complete mess. I WAS A NUT! So I soon stopped going to meetings. He had everyone fooled and I just couldn't make my case. And so my safe place, recovery, I felt was no longer safe.
Eventually I drank again. I took a long time but I did. I dated a few guys I met online but they turned out to be total losers, one I found out was a child MOLESTER!!!! SO THAT ended the ONLINE dating thing!!!! So in about 2010, I just stopped dating and stopped going anywhere. A lot of other stuff happened but that's the general story. Drinking almost killed me during that time So finally I quit a couple of years ago.
So in the last 2 years Ive been rebuilding and man, what a ride it's been. I am not dating for a year, which is what my sponsor suggested. UGH...but I know she is right. I am getting well! BUT I did get hit on a few times in the meeting by CREEPS....and so I started wearing my old wedding ring to make my point! haha
Hitting on someone at a meeting who is CLEARLY new in sobriety is like going to an ICU ward and trying to hook up with a patient. LET ME get well first!!
Oh yeah, and during all that time of my psycho EX, my dog of 10 years, my baby girl, got cancer and died in my arms. I loved her like she was my child. Anywho.....a lot of crap, no support, all alone.
That was my choice. Now my choice is to live! To trust my gut, to let that past be my past. To be good to myself and others. Thank God!
Much love and thanks for reading my saga, --GBread