Meth, have you done this to me?

By angelraysmehigher · Mar 1, 2019 · ·
  1. Meth, was it you, have you done this to me?
    Poor nanna moved in, she's struggling to see,
    Frail and old and going crazy,
    thinks she's outside smelling the daisies.

    I offered to help, I promised I would,
    But horror & shock makes me unsure I could,
    Confronting it is being so raw to see,
    How scary it is when we lose our sanity.

    I'm trying to help but for some reason, I baulk,
    Perhaps it's how she fumbles her fork,
    Or could it be all her delusions that I see,
    Is what I'm terrified will become my reality?

    I honestly feel so selfish and ashamed. My poor 92-year-old, blind and frail grandmother has moved in with us to be cared for. I jumped at the opportunity to help out and give me something meaningful to devote my time to while getting through the withdrawals and post meth blues. If it meant keeping her out of a nursing home and we could do it together, mum dad and I, I was in without question.
    But having her here and so much time sitting with her, while I appreciate the opportunity to do this for her and feel grateful for it, it's proven rather unnerving at the best of times and for some reason, I keep doing my best to avoid too much conversation with her now or actual alone time. Listening to her rattle out the most outrageous stories and delusions about; where she is, what's going on, who's with and around her, what they are doing, how she rode to the chemist in a trailer in tow by car but with a boat seat and was left out the front where too many seals were swimming around her but she wasn't bothered by them, it fucking freaks me out.
    Like I've done a significant amount of damage to my dopamine receptors with my addiction and prior years of rec using, am I gonna end up like that one day but probably 10/20/50 times worse???

    I don't mean to disrespect my nan, my heart aches for her and I still do whatever she needs help wise, like taking her to the toilet and helping her shower and get dressed, but I try avoiding too much conversation and when it's just the two of us at home and I'm on shift to keep an eye over her, I try avoiding too much alone time throughout.

    I feel so horrible and selfish for it. She can't help what's happening to her, but the thought of the life she's now living one day becoming reality from the obvious damage and cell death to my brain... It's something that haunts me at night and feeling detached through the day. Is it natural to suddenly feel in such a way? Is it from a subconscious level? Or has meth gotten to my head and left me paranoid for good?

    About Author

    angelraysmehigher
    I'm a 25yr old HAS BEEN daily user of meth. A habit I've still managed to keep hidden in the dark from my loved ones and anyone closely around me. I created this journal as a means of expressing my emotional turmoil and internal battle with this drug, my first and only avenue of confessions involving my dark and dirty little secret. I stay dedicated through abstinence for accountability and the hopes that my story may resonate with others and impact them in a positive way.
    Elvie likes this.

Comments

  1. jazzyj9
    Does she have dementia? That’s what it sounds like and a lot of old people get it. Can you play cards with her or ask her to tell you about when she was young?

    I wouldn’t avoid her but try to spend time with her but direct the time more.
      angelraysmehigher likes this.
  2. angelraysmehigher
    @jazzyj9 she does indeed.
    Vascular dementia I believe, mum was saying, result of a stroke she had a couple years back.
    Unfortunately she's now virtually 100% blind as well from macular degeneration so there's not a lot she can do other than sit and listen to the radio.

    Edit:
    I think what makes it hard as well, this Nan in question, has had lifelong favourites in her children; her only daughter being the golden child and her subsequent grandchildren from my Aunty.
    So even though she's not quite coherent with what she's saying, it does get a bit tiring listening to her speak constantly of my cousins and how they have moved into her house (which they haven't) and are taking over the repayments and subsequent ownership (which isn't possible either as she owns her house lol). And how my cousin is married with a child on the way and doing so well for himself (which also does not reflect his reality lol).
    I feel for her, maybe I'm just a bit jaded because we grew up with this favouritism our whole lives and were never made to feel as special or important to her as my cousins and second-cousins have.
    Ironically though, my Aunty did do a dirty on Nanna, when she was about 20, and vanished for several years. Took off with her then-boyfriend and moved up to sunny QLD, North region of Australia. I only recently learnt of this, but apparently my Nanna cried herself to sleep every night for months on end. When Aunty finally came home Nanna still did everything and anything for her, but when her dementia set in, she became really delusional about Aunty and her hallucinations was derivative on her.
    We have a feeling that despite her continued devotion to Aunty, the dementia is now bringing about pent up anger and hurt from what Aunty did all those years ago.
    It's sad for them both. Aunty can't even come to visit her anymore or she screams and carries on telling her to get away from her and leave. Tries to hit and kick and says its all her fault she's unwell, that Aunty put her into the hospital and completely wants nothing to do with her.
    From this Nan's experience and watching my other one slowly die, old age just seems like an unpleasant ordeal :(
      PastorFuzz likes this.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!