**This is an erratic entry with no specific point other than getting it off my chest.**
I sit here and gaze down at the pipe which rests on my bed. My head filled with thoughts such as "I know I'm making a mistake"...but then I pick it right back up.
Feburary 2018 will be 2 years since I first tried methamphetamine. Luckily I'm a pretty infrequent user. When coming down, I would rather just go ahead and come down instead of using more ice trying to chase the high.
Yesterday was different though. I had a strong sudden urge to get my hands on some. I took money from someone to satisfy my craving. Now I feel such deep regret. In the moment, I felt like a different person. I couldn't even look around the room without wondering what I could take to the dealer or a pawn shop.
Before I ever even tried it, I did as much research as I could. Drug-forums, bluelight, reddit, wikipedia. I wanted scientific information as well as first hand experience reports. The side effects, the risk, the addiction factor. I knew about all of this. Yet I still tried it.
I know even more now, and have plenty of unpleasant experiences due to using meth. Yet I still pick that pipe back up. Why is staying away so difficult? I'm aware of all the bad side effects. I don't want to experience them again. So why do I keep coming back?
Like I said, pretty infrequent use. So I got that on my side. I can actually say "No" easier than one might expect. Most of the time I use, its because I seeked it out. No one to blame but myself. On a normal day, I never really think about meth. Then my mother will ask me for a glass of ice, or to go buy some ice cream. It's not her fault, and asking her to avoid certain words isn't something I want to do.
Depression, anxiety, fear, worry. When I'm unable to handle the negative emotions , what do I do? Smoke, snort, swallow. I use drugs to deal with this crazy ass life we live. Now what do I do when that depression is caused by a lack of dopamine? What do I do when my emotional stress returns worse than before?
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this. I just happened to look down at my pipe. It seems impossible to look at it without picking it up. I wish the drug would disappear from the world entirely.
A word of advice: Stay away from methamphetamine. Especially if you've never usede it before. The horrible side effects, the cardiovascular risks, the terrible come down. That's just from the drug itself. Don't forget it can drive family and friends away. Also, getting arrested with a felony controlled substance charge is a possibility. First hand experience - being in jail while coming down isn't fun.
That's all I want to say for now. I need to evaluate my life choices. Have a good day.