Well, I kept in mind your kind and encouraging words and in the end did not resort to using meth again. However, the bare minimum stimulation of 10 mg of adderall was needed to meet my appointment. Completely drug-free would have been best, but I have to admit - I couldn't do it yet. I've had nightmares of working on and on, but never even coming close to getting finished. So when I awoke in the morning I felt like I had really been working the whole night instead of sleeping.
So while it was a small disappointment that I had to use some sort of stimulant again, my resolve is to keep abstaining as good as I can.
Since the adderall only works for a few hours, the second half of the day I was again on my own, and this time far from home. It was tough not to fall asleep on the bus and when I had to go up a hill to get to the train station for a moment I stopped and thought that I just couldn't do it. Limbs like lead, my mind longing for the limitless stamina and lightning speed I had enjoyed the past months. However, I grit my teeth and continued, even forcing myself to a detour to shop for some groceries. You might laugh - but not going straight home, instead choosing to walk around some more is a huge deal when withdrawing from stimulants. Step-by-step I want to be able to do everyday tasks again, even when feeling like a zombie.