deletedAs a teenager I experimented with all sorts of drugs, weed, coke, meth, all manner of pills and everything in between, but this was simply a party phase. I have always had issues with anxiety and depression but always self medicated. Around 8 months ago my anxiety became rather crippling, I was trying to do everything I could to squash it down into a tiny ball but eventually it erupted and affected every corner of my life. I went to a random doctor who gave me a medical certificate and prescribed me 100*10mg diazepam tablets @ 3 times per day. I was skeptical but desperate to shut my brain down, working 60 hours per week, studying at >2* the normal full time load, commuting and living away from my pregnant wife, as well as having an affair whilst trying to push my life into the way I thought it should be. Unfortunately my nature and brain are rather extreme and addictive, I became heavily addicted to the pills, the moment I finished work I would pop 10-50mg and continue taking them through the night, enjoying the relaxation and the euphoric high it brought.
Obviously this built up a tolerance and led to me taking >150mg in a couple of hours and not having any effect on my ability to get through an anxiety attack, i was completely functional and nobody beleived how much i took, I was taken to the ER and brought my life somewhat under control. I was attempting 11 masters/MBA subjects in 1 semester, simply to try and crush my brain into stopping. At around the End of December I went off the diazepam cold turkey and experienced the hell that came with it, but managed to get through the first four weeks without a relapse.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for the majority of my adult life, but from approximately 12-18 months ago it spiked big time, but I was able to push it down and/or compartmentalize things. Or so I thought, I couldn’t imagine the spiral my life would go into.
My wife gave birth on the 22nd of January and at some point in there an old back injury of mine popped up in my T and C spine as well as debilitating elbow injuries that had become increasingly worse through extreme weight training, weight gain and steroid abuse, i now require 5 bouts of surgery. I was prescribed daily;
180mg codeine phosphate/3000mg paracetemol. – 3*60mg doses
5mg diazepam 3 times a day
9* Panadol osteo – 5000mg paracetemol roughly
This was in addition to the other substances (per week amounts)
225mg Trenbolone acetate
Up to 40mg of Ritalin/dexamphetamine (depending on what was available, per day amounts).
This was great, pain was gone, anxiety was gone again, and unfortunately it made the pain go away so I continued training, obviously things got worse quickly. Decided that instead of stopping training I would just add to control the pain in my arms and back;
40mg Targin per day (oxycodone) – 20mg morning and night
400mg Tramadol slow release – 200mg morning and night
225mg Lyrica (gabapentin) – 75mg 3 times per day
I was high all the time, neglecting my wife and daughter and my study/work commitments, i was a full blown addict but I couldn’t see it. I had no trouble getting doctors to trust me, I had test results which agreed fully with the fact I was in pain, kept old scripts and wearing a suit meant I could get all manner of drugs from doctors I had never seen before, I knew how to stay off the drugs of dependency register, I used a mix of bulk bill and pay as you see doctors (bulk billed doctors are free but are limited in their ability to prescribe drugs on first visit unless they trust you). Obviously I was using somewhat more than prescribed, but certainly didn’t start out with that intention.
I was also prescribed morphine and endone for break out pain.
On my worst days my dosages looked like;
240mg codeine/4000mg paracetemol
120mg morphine (or endone depending on what I had)
My daily hit of paracetemol was approaching 10g and my liver enzymes were off the charts.
Then my wife found out about the affair I was having and instead of staying and fighting I left her and my daughter, this is when the wheels really fell off. The guilt and feelings of self-hatred began to filter in, and I started withdrawing due to using so much and not being able to get as much as I wanted, I was physically ill from the drug abuse and the subsequent withdrawals and from Sunday the 8th of March until Thursday the 12th, I began hoarding the drugs for a very large overdose attempt. I couldn’t deal with the feelings of guilt, and the psychiatrists I visited in hospital diagnosed me with having a psychotic break likely caused by a combination of withdrawals, drug abuse and the unfamiliar feeling of guilt.
I was so out of it for the four days i wasn’t using I decided on the Thursday, after I saw my wife and daughter after they moved all of their stuff out of the house that I would take an extremely large overdose and see what happens. I held my daughter for around an hour and sobbed the whole time, my wife was so amazing and left me alone with her for an extra 20 minutes, her mum hugged me and she put her hand on my shoulder before I had to give her to my wife to leave. I went and sat in my daughters empty room and something in my mind snapped; Roughly this is what I took
1.5g of Lyrica – gabapentin – all I had left.
450mg of codeine/7.5g paracetemol – by some miracle I was only given a pack of 10 by a random doctor who didn’t trust me, the first time it happened, I would have been given 30 but my regular doctor was booked out.
180mg morphine sulfate
80mg targin – again random doctor wouldn’t give me more
10 panadol osteo – 6.6g paracetemol/14.1g all up
In the end I was just swallowing handfuls of pills so it’s difficult to know exactly what I had taken, I had 4 drinks in the hours leading up to this. By some stroke of luck I was talking to a friend on Facebook and ended up just typing jibberish into the computer, she was also a mental health nurse, asked me for my address and phone number, which I gave her. I missed three calls from the ambulance operators and was face down on the floor with very very depressed breathing and completely unresponsive, they took 7 minutes to get to my house, I vaguely remember hearing the sirens in the distance and being taken out of my house on their trolley. I was given Naloxone but still did not respond, only waking up at around 3pm the next day when given the paracetemol antidote for the third time and woke up projective vomiting. My breathing was depressed for >24hours, I kept waking up gasping as I was recovering, even with pure O2 being pumped into my nose.
Fortunately this experience (and being locked in a psych ward) was the bottom hitting point that I needed to look around and see what I wanted, which was my family, and I decided (somewhat stupidly) to cold turkey come off everything. I am not really the kind of person that does moderation or coming off things slowly, I need to tackle things head on, but NOTHING could have prepared me for the hell I was about to endure.
That last time I ate was some pizza on the Saturday night after I was released, and that was likely the last time I had any decent amount of water too. The Sunday/Monday/Tuesday was hell like nothing I have ever experienced before. I couldn’t eat or drink, couldn’t sleep, hot cold hot cold hot cold, shaking anxious mess.
Tuesday night I went to the ER where they gave me fluids and sent me on my way, i went to client meetings on the Wednesday morning but could not go any further and decided that I needed to do this in a place where I wasn’t going to die. Fortunately my mum is the hospital coordinator for a large private hospital and I was able to get into their world class mental health facility under the care of nursing staff and a psychiatrist. It was like a hotel and was costing my insurance company >$1200 per day, I spent 6 days there and it wasn’t until 8 days after the OD that I was able to eat anything and only drank <700ml of water in that time (though I got 2l of fluids in the ER).
Thankfully 8 days later my wife and I agreed to make it work and bring our family back together, she took me outside (hadn’t left my bed for 4 days) and we walked and chatted and I held my daughter. Thankfully whatever happened on that night snapped me out of the insanity of the depressed anxious state I had been in and made me able to feel emotion and see what is most important.
It wasn’t really until last Friday (+8 days) that the first wave of withdrawal symptoms really faded and I am just left with a dumbfounded feeling with guilt, shame and self-hatred thrown in for good measure.
Usually the cravings begin when my wife is having a bad day, the guilt and self hatred are what made to turn to the OD and I begin to rationalize it in my head. The physical withdrawals are nothing compared to the PAWS I am going through now, the ability to rationalize taking your own life to save your wife pain is not something that should be able to be done, especially since we are back on track and moving back into our house in a couple of weeks.
Lots more to post but figure this will do for now.
Currently +28 days sober, but lots of temptation for lapse with the self-hatred and guilt, but fighting strong.
lkt004 added 1 Minutes and 44 Seconds later...
Last night i admitted to injecting morphine in mostly SubQ/IM injections, but three times IV and i having a background in drug discovery and design i made a hit of acetyl morphine and fortunately i was in a good place when this happened, and the rush/euphoria was simply too much and i knew that i need never do that again.
lkt004 added 4 Minutes and 34 Seconds later...
A little background on me, i am a highly educated 26 year old account executive, married for 5 years in the relationship for 9 with a 10 week old daughter. I never thought i could fall into the trap of addiction, but here i am.
lkt004 added 23 Minutes and 34 Seconds later...
Unfortunately the pain is back with a vengeance, and i am unable to take anything aside from naproxen and paracetemol at this stage but trying not to put anything into my mouth as i don't want to go down that destructive path.
I am kept up at night with the pain and have to constantly switch sides, thankfully i have surgeries booked in order to get the pain under control.
lkt004 added 837 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...
Right now is 4 weeks since I was dying on my lounge room floor, the cravings are still coming thick and fast as is the want to self harm. Is this common for this type of withdrawal?
lkt004 added 560 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...
Just remembered that in the hospital i was given 50mg of diazepam on my first day to calm me down and they tapered me off so on my last night to nothing. That was <3 weeks ago, i was wondering why i was so moody and up and down, wondering how long i was going to have to deal with the suicidal thoughts and anxiety for.
Don't feel so bad now, i usually get diazepam withdrawals for up to 6 weeks, hopefully i can continue to plow pig headedly through the next few weeks without a lapse.