Multiple drug addiction withdrawal journal - mostly opiates - Part 2

By lkt004 · Apr 20, 2015 · ·
  1. 5 weeks and 3 days, still clean after the OD, though it feels like a never ending game of swinging moods at the moment, very manic depressive but plowing through. Anxiety is at an all time high though i finally feel like my daughters dad again, she laughs and smiles when she hears my voice and hugs me/cuddles me when i hold her. I can still see the hurt and pain in my wifes eyes, this will pass i hope.

    I found 800mg of oxy/tramadol yesterday and simply flushed it without a second thought, though i am not sure if in my lower manic state i would have done anything other than take it all, but that is pure speculation and not a healthy thought pattern to go down.

    I'll continue to fight the suicidal/self harm thoughts that are likely byproducts of the withdrawal and the shame/guilt driving me into manic depression again, the difference is i now know exactly what it is and can fight it much better than drowing it with drugs.

    Unfortunately i need surgery on both my elbows, my shoulder and my T5-6/C6-7 spine and that is going to require some heavy opiates, i need to make sure i am 100% recovered and emotionally/mentally ready before i head down that path.

    The ONLY reason i got through this and continue to get through this is the support of my family and friends, whilst in hospital i had a steady stream of friends, my wife brought my daughter along to see me every day and i was kept relatively busy but not stressed. I couldn't reccomend an in patient withdrawal program enough if you have insurance or can afford it.

    Ifiwereabird, no troubles posting into my journal, actually inspired me to add to it. I think telling your fiancee is the first step, my wife knew of my addiction but did not intervene as she didn't know the severity of it. Unfortunately Meth has a serious stigma to it compared to prescription opiates, i wish you all the best.

    lkt004 added 407 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...

    Another day of manic mood swings and suicidal/self-harm thoughts/tendancies, not sure how much longer i can fight this off if it keeps up. I have a repeat script with about 6g of tramadol extended release per script that i kept, not sure why, i have no real want to go and fill it and get high, but to throw back a few grams and drift off into a never ending sleep would be nice right now. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning wondering why the fuck i was thinking about this and then be back in the same headspace tomorrow night.

Comments

  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Ikt004-
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    Beenthere2Hippie added 14 Minutes and 59 Seconds later...

    Hi Ikt004- Good to hear that you're working hard to get back to a happy place in your life. That is wonderful and we are proud that you have come to DF to share your life experience. But I must tell you that talk of self-harm or suicide is beyond the scope of this or any other online forum. We are not physicians and would not be the best people to talk about such feelings with.

    That being said, I do hope you will consider getting in touch with an addiction counselor, a professional who that is often the perfect person to help you to find healthy alternatives to getting through the post detox stage of recovery, which will help you fight depression. We on DF are and always will be here to support you, but cannot and should not advise you on the deeper questions we are not qualified to answer.

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