Woke up this morning with more pain that ever, need this surgeon to call me back, or i'll be up for some ultrasound guided injections which i really don't want, hopefully he calls soon or i'll call him tomorrow. I made an admission last night that i don't remember the first 6 weeks of my daughters life which gave me a huge kick up the bum to never do it again. Started a new job officially today, one with little stress, my brain is sill struggling to deal with high stress situations so it's perfect. Though split shifts and full time work isn't what i wanted, it's paying the bills and will allow me to spend every morning and my 2 full days off with my family so that's all that matters to me at the moment.
The rampant suicidal and thoughts of self harm have dissapated thankfully, the crushing feelings of guilt and self hate, whilst still being prevelant are nowhere near the point they were at. Previously i dreamed of titles, flash houses, cars and everything i wanted in excess, today i woke up and hugged my wife and daughter, ate pancakes whilst i hugged my daughter and got to kiss my wife goodbye as i went to work. This is all that matters now, nothing else.
The drugs are still at the forefront of my mind both consciously and subconsciously, i am trying to deal with this through reading about them and watching documentaries. The cravings to use have thankfully subsided, but i still need to remain vigilant in order to maintain current sobriety. 46 days.