Obviously, Im new to the forum but have ghosted for many years for advice, supportive threads, etc. I decided I needed to contribute and figured writing down my journey would not only help me quite a bit, but could help others in some way and I definitely need to give back after all the help this forum has given me, even if it was just for reading.
I am a 34 year old living in socal, married (separated unfortunately, but things are improving) with a beautiful little girl who just turned 9...guess shes not THAT little anymore, but all you parents know what I mean. Shes always my little girl.
About 4 years ago I was heavily into bodybuilding and hurt myself training, herniating the c6/c7 disc in my upper back and was prescribed Vicodin, not even realizing it was addictive. Until that point I was completely drug free, I hadnt even smoked weed but once and didnt care for it. Well to make a long story short, I became addicted, came clean and then started the bouncing back and forth we all know so well...
What has made it INFINITELY harder for me to stay clean is someone very close to me is a intractable pain patient and gets large amounts of powerful opiates every month (oxycontin, oxycodone, hydromorphone, methadone) and I have basically unlimited access to these... which has kept me on the roller coaster. Not blaming them by any means, they need them, but I dont, yet I still am very much addicted.
I really dont mess with heroin, I have tried in a few occasions but I have no need to go the street route when my friend usually has anything I need. My addiction is anywhere from probably 40-70mg a day of hydromorphone injected subcutaneously.... I also receive a small prescription for hyromorphone when my back acts up, but it rarely does anymore and I simply keep getting the script to abuse... and go through it in a week or less.
I dont condone my actions... I am upset with myself more than any can imagine. I never used drugs as a kid, or an adult until now.. and I hate myself for succumbing to this crap.
I have tried subutex/suboxone but I just feel crappy on it for some reason... I rarely make it past the first day or two of induction because I feel so shabby. I have tried methadone and like it much better, and for this reason I am considering doing a 21 day outpatient program at the local clinic. Even though I have them at my disposal here, I want the discipline that goes along with having to show up daily and ensure I dont cheat myself. I need that apparently. I am much weaker than I ever thought with this addiction.
I am also currently unemployed which was the main reason for the separation. It had nothing to do with my drug use, at least on the outside... I simply got laid off.. but I know it affects my ability to get motivated and get out there and be my best every day looking... so I need to stop soon.
I start the methadone clinic Monday, after I fill out some paperwork this weekend and since I have been through withdrawal many times I know most of the tricks, but still.. any support or any commentary in general would be very helpful as this is going to be a trying time for me.
Hope you all enjoy this journal for what its worth and anybody with questions or just to chat, feel free to respond.