These past 4 days haven't gone so well! I had a minor slip and used my tramacet for 3 days Monday to Wed. It's crazy how drugs make me feel "Normal" what is normal?! Wed night I tossed everything that I could get a high off of. Strangely enough, those 3 days were the most normal feeling days I had! But I also regret them because I fell off the Wagon. Everyday is a battle, life seams do dull and hard without substance. I try everyday to get my ass up and do something. Even when I'd rather just sit there. I just got back from a run, even though I felt like shit, I still did it.
My Psychologist and I had a good talk yesterday. But it seams every time I see him, I realize how messed up I am. He asked me, what do I want out of my sessions. I told him, I want to know why I think in order to be happy, I need to be high. When I'm not high, life is just to hard. I told him I want to feel normal. Even though no one can really say what normal is... He thinks I have 2 factors playing against me. 1) my terrible up brining as a child. He thinks I have suppressed these emotions as a child (because a child could never understood the logic of what happened to me) so now that I understand and put logic to it, I use drugs to stop the pain? I dunno. 2) because I have used substances for so long (since 14) that he thinks I could have a chemical miss balance in my brain. And I have been masking it with drugs to cope. He said the only real way to tell is to go on an anti depressant and see how I feel. So I'm kinda on the fence here! What he is saying makes sense, I just want to wake up and enjoy my life. I want the energy to want to do things. Everything shouldn't feel so forced all the time.
Now my second issue is this insomnia! !! Every night I lay there with my eyes wide open. Just hoping I can fall asleep. Even the hydroxyzine doesn't work anymore. I have resorted to smoking a joint in the wee morning hours as a last resort. Not something I want to do because I prob have to do a drug test to return to work. And I know THC stays in your blood a long time. But I guess it's better then taking opiates.
I'm gonna make a separate post about addicts who found out they had depression after quiting drugs and see if an anti depressant worked for them?
I'm grabbing a straws here.