5 week update:
Firstly I want to thank everyone on this forum, this place has been a pillar to my success. This insight and information I have received has been life changing.
I have to say, at just over 5 weeks clean I feel incredible, my life is finally coming back together. I'm really glad I didn't resort to anti depressants ( someone recommended I hold off till my brain had a chance to recover, thank you for that advice) since my last post, things have been really looking up. I wake up everyday and enjoy my life. I never felt so fulfilled in my entire life. I think my theory about not having any type of pleasure really helped. I mean I cut myself off of every life pleasure. It made me upset that I couldn't enjoy a beer without feeling guilty.
Since changing my thinking pattern, and my approach towards casual enjoyments. My depression has lifted my completely. I know I will never go back to pills as a way to escape life. And that's what I did. I numbed my life with pills because it was easier than facing the music. I believe life is meant to be a challenge, and that we learn from our mistakes. It makes us stronger as humans. Life is hard, and feeling life is even harder. But that's what makes the human life so complex. Can you imagine a world with no feelings? Everyone just shut off, numb to life. My god, we would be extinct.
Right, getting off track a little. Lol.
So as I was saying, I do keep Kratom on hand. Almost like keeping cold beers in your fridge. I did enjoy some last Sat, I enjoyed it. But was fine without it the entire week. I had a great week. So knowing in my mind I can control myself has made all the difference in my recovery. Knowing if I chose, I can take a drink or Kratom just having that option has helped me heal. It's been over a week since I last used it, and I feel great!
As far as exercising goes, adding the weight training was a good move. I now work out every day, run one day and weights the other. You can almost say I'm becoming addicted to exercise. I love the feeling it gives me. It's like a natural high. When I run, I push myself harder every time I go out. I love the challenge. When I first started running, took me 47mins to do 5km. Yesterday I hammered it out in almost 30mins! I feel my body getting stronger everyday. While I was using, I felt so weak. Even climbing the stairs was tiresome. My body was so weak to pain. In between my doses my body would ache all the time! My joints would hurt, I was very sensitive to pain. But now it's the complete opposite. Never felt stronger.
Sunday I return back to work! I'm excited...but scared. I used oxy for so long as a way to cope with my stressful job and position. So going back and not having that crutch will be very new to me. I plan to use exercising as a way to cope. My doctor thinks yoga would be good as well. She suggested my wife and I do it together. She also thinks it will help with my insomnia. Yes, still suffering with this cursed insomnia. I have been using sleeping aids, just over the counter Stull (Tylenol Nite Time) but even that is not being effective. My doctor says I can add sleep aid with it. But I really don't want to become dependant on aids to sleep. Lack of sleep could pose an issue when I go back to work. I work shift work, 12 hour nights. It critical I fall asleep soon after I get home as I don't have a lot of time by the time I get home, just enough time to eat and catch 6 hours sleep before I go back to work. :S
The upside to this is, I get 3 to 4 days a week off. So it's not so bad. Short term pain, long term gain. So overall things are looking up! I'm very pleased with the progress I have made in just over 5 weeks. I can only imagine how I'll feel in another month from now. I feel lucky that my PAWS didn't drag out like a lot of people's do. I know some can be depressed for months after. Thank god my brain is a quick healer...If anything exciting happens relating to my recovery, I will update
Do in till then, god bless