Hi Berny, and congrats on taking your life back!!!
I can definitely relate to the flood of emotions, I've never cried so much in my life. And I've never been the type to show emotions. I was raised that men don't cry. But it's been good therapy for me, it's exactly what I needed.
I've been wondering why so many times I tried to quit I couldn't do it. Even my short time in rehab I cried, all I could think about was what I put my family through, my wife, my daughter, my job. I felt like a failure. ..but then and only then when sitting alone in a house full of strangers going through withdraw I realized that it took me being away from the people I love most, that I can beat this demon, with the love and support of my family and the grace of God.
Stay strong my friend, the worst part is almost over!! Believe in yourself. Don't let a pill control your life anymore. You should feel very proud of yourself right now, 4 days to some may not be much, but it's 4 days in the right direction . I'm not sure if your the religious type, by I've been doing some soul searching through all of this. Trying to fill the void with grace. Here is a nice scripture I found from Paul:
Words of Paul: "I was given a painful wound to my pride, which came as Satan's messenger to bruise me. Three times I begged god to rid me of it, but gods answer Was: " My grace is all you need; my power finds its full strength in weakness." Therefore I shall prefer to find my joy And my pride In the things that are my weakness; and then the power of Christ will come and rest upon me. For this reason I am content, for the sake of Christ, with weakness, contempt, Persecution, Hardship, and frustration; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
God bless you my friend in all your spiritual ventures. Your son would be proud of you!
House32 added 950 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...
I'm now 5 and half days clean. It's truly a miracle. My mind is raving to go, but my body says NO! I'm still very weak, body aches have lessened a bit. It's still morning and I have yet to take my L-tyrosine, so that might give me the boost I need.
Last night was a nightmare, I tried to sleep without taking any aids to help (clonidine or my clonazepam) finally by 12 am I gave in and took my regular 1mg dose of Clonazepam...it's now 1:15 am and still wide awake. So I take another .5mg more. Wait till 2:40 am. ..still wired. I'm now approaching 24 hours awake and am dying for sleep. So I took my chances and took my clonidine. Finally around 3:45 am I can feel my eyes getting heavy. By 4 am I was out solid till 9am. So I got a good 5 hours sleep.
I'm really concerned on how my body can fully repair its self off such little sleep?! The last thing I want is to become an insomniac! It's been so long since I ever fell asleep without some sort of aid. It's always been either percocet, weed, Oxy or booze. How do we learn to sleep again without chemicals?!
I plan on making an appointment to see my family doctor on Tues to look at some other option other than clonazepam (last thing I need is to get addicted to that! )
On a different note on my spiritual journey, I'm becoming closer with the Scriptures of the bible. I have never been a church goer, and can't stand bible thumpers. But I am finding peace within me by letting the grace of God in my life. I'm now reading a new book called "Addiction and Grace" it's helping me a great deal in understanding addiction, while offering grace into my life. It makes me feel not so ashamed of my addiction, knowing everyone is addicted to something. Whether it's possessions, money, career, appearance and eating. So we aren't so bad after all. It's our addictions that cloud our mind from what's really important in life, the foundation of how we were made, by love and grace. When our hands our full of all these addictions as mentioned above, how can we ever really hold love and grace in our hearts. Love is a powerful thing, it's love that broke my addiction. By letting my addiction go, I was able to accept the love my family had to offer.
This battle has turned into something so much more then just quitting drugs. It's opened my eyes to a whole new realm. And I thanks my addiction for that. Because without it, I would have never been able to start walking the path I am today. God has given us the power of free will (this could be a curse or a blessing) but it's up to us to choose the path we want to take.
lol, sorry if I'm rambling. I could go on forever. But I will leave it at that. I hope people who struggle with addiction will read this journal and feel enlightened by the contents and know there is more to life then being a slave to chemical.