I must report that I probably set myself up pretty badly by asking my doctor to prescribe more than 90 pills a month (to 120). I've been taking these pills with no self control whatsoever. Kinda starting to realize that what others have warned me about is coming into fruition. It's so easy to jump from 3 pills/day to 6 pills/day to 9 pills/day...just like that. I know I'll slow down as my pill bottle becomes more empty. But, boy do I indulge when I have a full bottle. I am so addicted it's not even funny. I don't want this shit to have me the way it does, but it does. I need to be stronger than this, and I know I can be, but it's my choices that are doing me in. I want that nod, so I take enough to make it so i can barely keep my eyes open. That over powering feeling of relaxation. How sad is that? My day consists of ensuring I have them in my possession and keep me in a some form of a daze, rather it be on a scale of 1 or up to 10.
So many people in life have a hard time coping in life and drugs are the great deceivers in giving that impression - that they help you cope. When, in reality, they're just another problem to manage. So, why is it that we continue to chase this shit even with the knowledge of that? It's because they offer temporary relief in our minds to something we don't want to deal with. I feel guilty for allowing them to be a source of happiness for me. A source that I haven't allowed my children to be for me. Don't get me wrong, my kids are my life, but I wonder how can they be if I jeopardize my health and put them in a situation to where they don't have a mommy that's "all there".
Those of us who go to work every day rationalize this shit in a way to where we feel functional. Well, we're not functional. We would be so much better without this shit. And we know it. What's the hard part? We should just leave the pills alone. They are a safety net for me that I can't imagine living life without. I know I should quit, but I know there's no way I can say good bye today, tomorrow, or the next. What's the golden way to end this problem?