Yesterday wasn't so bad. I woke up with bright eyes and took about 6 grams of kratom, did some laundry, and even cooked a big pot of gumbo for the fam. I felt euphoria for like 10-15 minutes and that was it. I have 6 .6 gram capsules left and will take them later on today. My mental is down in the dumps and I just want some pills. Last night I didn't sleep well and the scratchy throat is here...Apparently the opiates relaxed my coughing muscles so that I never coughed and now I always get that feeling in my throat that makes me want to cough.
Mentally I am not with this clean and sober program. Not right now. @ Lostlygirl - I don't think I'm quite there either. I've had substance abuse issues before where I really wanted to get my shit together and I eventually did...Now with this particular addiction, I'm having a hard time really meaning what I say wen I say "I want to get better". Here's what I really think...OK Opiates are bad. However, they're only bad when you run out. Only then does your desperation for them show. Only then do you see just how physically dependent on them you really are. Deep down I know being addicted to anything is bad, but the pills make me happier. Until I get some help with the deep down underlying issues, these pills may be my go to. Again, let's see how I feel when I'm 2 weeks clean. As of right now, it sucks. It sucks to physically withdraw. It sucks to want them so badly and have people (people who also use by the way) look at you like you're a level beneath them because you ran out and now you're asking for help (to buy some off of them).
I know I'm the problem. I know my mentality about these pills is a problem. I know.