So I've really tried to dicect my addiction and figure out why I'm exceeding the recommended dose ever single ******* month. Here's what I think is happening. I have legitimate lower back pain. I also have depression. My mom's death was pretty heavy and I never really dealt with it as coping skills weren't one of the gifts left behind by them for me. Coping seems to be the number one quality one must possess in order to be fully functional, drug free, and successful. We'll my coping skills suck. I am gainfully emplyed, my boss knows I use norco for back pain and he has fired numerous people and kept me because I take care of business. Do I make mistakes at work, absolutely. Some are mistakes that are going to happen no matter what and sometimes the mistakes are from being high. But for the most part my work ethic has set me apart from the rest. I am a loving, involved, mother. I am actually going to do my BEST to get to work at 7:30 am (opposed to 8:30) so I can get off at 3:30 pm opposed to 4:30) to have time to put my kids in after school sports. I also like to think I have a pretty healthy sense if who I am as I ask myself questions and self evaluate where I REALLY am in life -who and what I've been - and who and what I want to be.
I just put my finger on the fact that I use thsee opiates for insomnia, pain, and depression. No wonder why I run out and go into withdrawal EVERY SINGLE ******* MONTH. Then I beat myself up for being at the same exact ****** spot, month after month after month.
Now, before I ask opinions, I need it to be clear that I'm very functional, but never really happy and have always struggled with feelings of validation and finding an internal peaceful place to dwell, if just for a moment.
My grandfather raised me primarily and always made me feel like I was never good enough. I was a great student and had a job at 16 - on my own accord (as to not ask him for a dime). Upon his death, he put everything into a trust to benefit my children. Not me. He very clearly, matter of factly, and intentionally wanted to ensure that I knew he didn't want to bless me but them. To put the cherry on top, he added a letter to the trust [email protected]$!ing off my character to whomever it would concern so that whomever read it could treat me just as poorly as he did. I so don't want to hold on to these types of hurtful things as they are destructivE and only destructive, but they stI'll hurt. I have alot to work through and I think that alot of my depression and inability to feel valid comes from my upbringing with him.
Before I ask my question, I want to say that opiates help me function. Without a doubt. They take my pain away, both internal and external. Why would I want to stop using them? Because I dont. They make me feel better. Inside and out. Why do they have to be bad? They're not. What's bad is I run out because I'm using them for more than one ailment. Dont you think I should ask my doctor to prescribe me Soma or something for sleep so that I'm not taking the hydros for sleep?
I am really against benzos, but those bastards work. At least with the experience I've had with them. Coming off of any of the 3 types of drugs suck-yes, but not having amy relief with the internal struggles sucks too. I don't have insurance so I don't have the luxury to sit down with a shrink. I could pay for therapy sessions, but that comes out of my pocket and I did that for a while and progress was made but at an astronomically slow pace. Am I wrong for preparing myself to continue to use norco at the prescribed dosage and ask my doctor for a Soma prescription as well? I'm afraid of the benzos because I know tolerance increases quickly and getting off of them isn't just miserable, it's scarey. Dont you think that the Somas will stop me from using the hydros to help me sleep. I think that's the main culprit in overusing my pain meds.