My Norco Withdrawal and Addiction Story - Part 33

By sadbutglad · Apr 13, 2015 · ·
  1. So, I'm down to my last 10 pills of a 120 pill script in O say 9 days...I've read so many people's posts about how they simply take the pills to feel normal. Now I know what they mean. I was usually always able to get some type of nice buzz from the pills and those days are obviously over. Easter break with the kids has just ended today. I'm saying that to say that I had been waking up at 10 or 11 am in the morning with the kids and noticed yesterday when I woke up my entire body was in pain. From my pelvic bones to my back to my thighs...I immediately took 2 pills and it did not do the trick. I had to take 2 more for the pain to subside. And no high - just normal.

    I've come to the conclusion that I am so used to being on the pills all the time to where when I do take my first dose, it's no different than how I feel immediately after going to bed, so the feeling is just a constant. There's nothing new to it anymore, hence the feeling of normal. It will take upping the ante to get the feeling that we addicts are always looking for. Had I known that using dilauded every now and then (10 pills here, 10 pills there) would totally fuck up my tolerance to the hydro maybe I wouldn't have taken them. But, then again, that's bullshit. what addict do you know turns down a good opiate high?

    This has got to be the end of the road because at this point feeding this addiction is going to take money I don't have and time to track down pills that I should be spending on my kids, household, and self improvement. I'm actually really concerned more than ever as this last prescription simply blew in the wind in the blink of an eye. When I'm out of pills longer than I can keep them in the pill bottle, we know the problem has graduated.

    I used to always feel like my usage of apap was at a reasonable level. I never knew how quick you could destroy your tolerance and use to the point of danger. I would read posts of people who took 10-15 pills a day and think that's absurd and unnecessary and now I know how they got there. I've said this before, but I'm going to have to hold my breath this time, go under the withdrawal, and hope I come out the other side a changed woman. My kids so deserve a mom who isn't high on pills all the time.

    The pills make me happy for a split second and then they make my irritable also because they are messing with my brain chemistry. I know I'll be happier clean as I will look better and feel better. The last time I went a long stretch without the pills (in January of this year - 7-8 days), I was happy and looked great. I got compliments all the time of how my face seemed to open up and how bright my eyes and smile was. That's motivation to stay clean this time. I will be using the kratom crutch for a week after my very last pill to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms. Kratom helps me so much. It takes away the stomach cramps and even provides a sense of well-being that allows me to get things done around the house. The only thing with kratom is dosing is always a trial and error process and I noticed it also messes with your opiate tolerance.

    Anyway - thanks for reading. A part of me is just journaling and another part of me is telling my story for other addicts in position. So they can see they're not the only ones struggling with the same rinse and repeat cycle opiate addicts get locked into. Happiness is a choice. Staying clean is a choice. Self improvement is a choice. They are all difficult choices as staying in fucked up position is easier. It requires little to no work and discomfort to stay in a rut. It requires an entirely new way of thinking - drive - desire to become a new improved version of yourself. I am using the time off of work to hopefully get to that place.

Comments

  1. lostlygirl
    Sweetie, and I say this gently, I think that it's no longer about how much will power you have or just choosing not to use.

    We all wish it was that simple, and its just not. If it was we would just go through the suckiness of withdrawals, remember how fucking awful it was and never use again. We would chalk it up to a bad life choice and never go down that road anymore. But its not. Its far more complicated than that. Addiction is sticky. Its like a spider web that weaves it's web throughout every aspect of our lives. We pull out of one part of its web to find it tangled in other places, insidiously and viciously weaving it's silky lies and false comforts until we give in again to its haunting, sad melodic tune.

    I want you to get a book called 'Chasing the Scream' by Johann Hari. It is a book about drugs. It covers the whole issue of drug addiction and drugs, from the laws that are currently in place (it compares different laws in different countries and the impact of those laws on society), to the different psychology's of addiction. It answers the questions of why we use and why we become addicted by bringing years of research together in one book. Its conclusion, although not surprising to any addict, is groundbreaking and eye opening to the rest of society. I think you may find it invaluable, and I highly recommend it to everyone reading this. My counselor recommended it to me about a month ago. I am glad it's making the rounds through the healthcare and counseling professions that could use a deeper understanding of addiction. It has changed my views on many drug related issues.

    The book ends like this (I have added this short background paragraph rephrased for context): Background - A friend of his has relapsed again, and is now sleeping off his latest binge in his guest bedroom. The author thinks about societies current answer to the problem of addiction. Answers that he has learned from the current laws in place and shows such as Cops and Law and Order, which say that his drug addicted friend should be punished, fined, and even jailed to save himself and society from his poor choices. The author then reflects on the cultural responses that he has seen through countless films and TV shows like Intervention, that suggest that you should confront the addict, stage some kind of intervention, shame him into changing his choices. That you should threaten to cut him out of your life if he keeps using. Its the logic of the drug war, applied to your life.

    He then ends his book with with this: Quote "As I write this he is passed out on my spare bed. He had been bingeing on heroin and crack for the last few days. He is worried he might loose his job, so he wants to break this pattern. He asked yesterday if he could stay here a little while, to get through at least the first 48 hrs without relapsing. After that, he says, it gets easier. Maybe I will. I looked at him just now, lying there, his face pallid again, and I stroked his hair. I think I understood something for the first time. The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, its connection. It's all I can offer. It's all that will help him in the end. If you are alone, you cannot escape addiction. If you are loved, you stand a chance. For a hundred years we have been singing war songs to addicts. All along we should have been singing love songs to them." End quote. "Chasing the Scream" pg 293, Johann Hari.

    Sadbutglad, I say this gently and with love. Start with what you are missing in your life. Find where you are missing connections. You can be in a room full of people and still be horribly alone. I get that. I had a husband and 6 kids and was never alone but desperately lonely. If you are not accepted, loved and understood for who you are, it doesn't matter how many people you are with. Look at your relationships. Where is the connection missing? What do you need that you are not getting? Start there. It may mean that you might need to make some hard decisions when it comes to your life and who you allow in it, but right now you are literally fighting for your very self.

    Until then the cycle will continue, even if you are fully sober. I know you are against maintenance treatments, but they may be a Godsend while you figure out the deeper questions that need addressing. Given your situation it may take years to make the changes you need, and that's OK.

    Until then, the problem isn't how many pills you have left, or when you can fill, or buying or not buying off of the street. Those are symptoms of the underlying problem. Those problems consume us, they distract us from our lack of connections, from what we are really missing in our lives. Then the drugs take all that pain away. We use, we run out, we suffer through withdrawals, we scheme how to get more. We promise ourselves over and over again that this will be the last time. That this time it will be different. We list our reasons for becoming clean and hold them up like trophies on the shelf. We look up to them without looking down to see what is chaining us to the ground. And we fail. We take just one pill. Just one more high, just one more moment of forgetting, one more moment of peace.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!