So, I'm down to my last 10 pills of a 120 pill script in O say 9 days...I've read so many people's posts about how they simply take the pills to feel normal. Now I know what they mean. I was usually always able to get some type of nice buzz from the pills and those days are obviously over. Easter break with the kids has just ended today. I'm saying that to say that I had been waking up at 10 or 11 am in the morning with the kids and noticed yesterday when I woke up my entire body was in pain. From my pelvic bones to my back to my thighs...I immediately took 2 pills and it did not do the trick. I had to take 2 more for the pain to subside. And no high - just normal.
I've come to the conclusion that I am so used to being on the pills all the time to where when I do take my first dose, it's no different than how I feel immediately after going to bed, so the feeling is just a constant. There's nothing new to it anymore, hence the feeling of normal. It will take upping the ante to get the feeling that we addicts are always looking for. Had I known that using dilauded every now and then (10 pills here, 10 pills there) would totally fuck up my tolerance to the hydro maybe I wouldn't have taken them. But, then again, that's bullshit. what addict do you know turns down a good opiate high?
This has got to be the end of the road because at this point feeding this addiction is going to take money I don't have and time to track down pills that I should be spending on my kids, household, and self improvement. I'm actually really concerned more than ever as this last prescription simply blew in the wind in the blink of an eye. When I'm out of pills longer than I can keep them in the pill bottle, we know the problem has graduated.
I used to always feel like my usage of apap was at a reasonable level. I never knew how quick you could destroy your tolerance and use to the point of danger. I would read posts of people who took 10-15 pills a day and think that's absurd and unnecessary and now I know how they got there. I've said this before, but I'm going to have to hold my breath this time, go under the withdrawal, and hope I come out the other side a changed woman. My kids so deserve a mom who isn't high on pills all the time.
The pills make me happy for a split second and then they make my irritable also because they are messing with my brain chemistry. I know I'll be happier clean as I will look better and feel better. The last time I went a long stretch without the pills (in January of this year - 7-8 days), I was happy and looked great. I got compliments all the time of how my face seemed to open up and how bright my eyes and smile was. That's motivation to stay clean this time. I will be using the kratom crutch for a week after my very last pill to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms. Kratom helps me so much. It takes away the stomach cramps and even provides a sense of well-being that allows me to get things done around the house. The only thing with kratom is dosing is always a trial and error process and I noticed it also messes with your opiate tolerance.
Anyway - thanks for reading. A part of me is just journaling and another part of me is telling my story for other addicts in position. So they can see they're not the only ones struggling with the same rinse and repeat cycle opiate addicts get locked into. Happiness is a choice. Staying clean is a choice. Self improvement is a choice. They are all difficult choices as staying in fucked up position is easier. It requires little to no work and discomfort to stay in a rut. It requires an entirely new way of thinking - drive - desire to become a new improved version of yourself. I am using the time off of work to hopefully get to that place.