Hi Lostlygirl, I understand what you're saying totally. I do have problems with connecting with others. There are trust issues that stop me from really enjoying the relationships I do have. I would agree with everything you are saying IF I hadn't had other addictions in the past that I was able to free myself from. For me, it's getting tired of the cycle and REALLY wanting to be well. I am getting to that place. I am seeing how many of the pills I am taking and how NOT GOOD that is for my physical self. The addiction was already fucking up my psyche, but now I can fuck myself up physically - past the point of no return. I see now that I would have to take very dangerous amounts to get the high I was getting before and THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME.
I was dabbling when it was safe to dabble (or so I thought or rationalized things). IT'S NO LONGER SAFE and these fucking pills will not be the death of me. I have what I need to begin withdrawals. I just took my very last 2 pills 2 hours ago. I am completely out and have a few ativan to get me through the first few nights + kratom. I am doing it this time.
The next possible date for me to get a refill is 3 weeks away. 3 WEEKS. If I can stay clean for 21 days there's no way I'm going back. This is what I have to tell myself to get through this. This is the goal I have to set for myself to get through this. Otherwise, I'll remain complacent in my usage and convince myself I have to get my emotional self better before I can work on my addiction. I feel like getting my emotional self to a good place would be far more difficult than saying good bye to the opiates. One of the reasons I'm so disconnected is using the opiates as a crutch for every task and every relationship in my life.
I don't know if you guys recall, but the first time I wrote a post here on DF it was my birthday. Tomorrow is my birthday again, and here I am in the same fucking position a year to the damn day. Still going through withdrawals, still addicted...but only this time unemployed. Luckily my unemployment isn't the result of my addiction, but things aren't getting better. I have to display some will power and self control that I've not held myself accountable to display before. This has to be it or I'm afraid my life will definitely spiral. I'm at a crossroads and I choose clean not methadone and not opiates for the rest of my life.
I will continue to journal to document my progress with no lies and all truth. If I mess up, I mess up, but I'm going into this with high hopes for myself. Thank you for recommending the book. It sounds like a good read. I'll see if it's available on Amazon.