I had a dream last night that I have to share. Before I share it though I need to make it clear that I am a believer in Christ and I've been praying for God to give me some understanding and direction in my life. I know that this dream doesn't dictate where my life is going, but it did offer me some insight as to what is going on with me and I do feel spiritually stronger now. Here is how the dream went:
I was home alone with my youngest son who was in diapers. I couldn't get him to go to sleep. As I was trying to get him to go to sleep (in the middle of the night), some crackheads entered my living room. I immediately became afraid and negotiated with them to let me drop off my kids (at this point both of my young sons were in the dream) at my neighbors house, who was also the landlord. I told her to watch my kids and call the police. I then went back into my apartment to get the crackheads out of my house.
Of course, the crackheads wouldn't leave. They gained access into my home through the back door which was attached to my kitchen. A kitchen that wasn't very clean and the least used room in the house because it needed the most work. It had broken tiles, the flooring was old and worn, and it reminded me of an apartment I lived in that had roaches. The crackheads were looking for a place to party and get high. They wanted to use my house as a crack house.
Every day they would leave, and every night new and old crackheads would show up and get into my house through this fukked up back door that didn't serve it's purpose. The door's hinges were worn and there were holes in the door. The door was weak and never kept the crackheads out. I was always fighting to get these crackheads out of my house. I recall a few different crackheads. One was a white girl with a long, blond ponytail. She looked like a crackhead, but a functional crackhead. I somehow got her out of my house through the backdoor and she left her cell phone, purse, and belongings. When she left, I realized her purse, cellphone, and belongings were nice. They weren't like you'd think crackheads things would be - raggedy.
There were two other crackheads; a black male and black female. They were stronger than me and made fun of me for trying to gain control of my house. There was another crackhead that was a heavy set Mexican girl that always got in my face and made sure she let me know she was in control when she was in my house. And she always had an entourage of crackheads with her that backed her up. And another crackhead, Hispanic male, who never missed a night of breaking into my house with the other crackheads.
I remember feeling not safe, alone, scared, and out of control every time these crackheads came into my house - and every time I looked at the shape that backdoor was in knowing I'd have to endure another night of fighting the crackheads.
At the end of the dream, the landlord called someone to put a wall where the door was to stop the crackheads from coming into my house. I asked the worker who was putting up the wall if this would keep the crackheads out and that is when my kids dad showed up in the dream for the first time to reply, "Probably Not".
Here is what I feel like God was trying to get me see:
I am the house. The kitchen is the area in my spirit that is the weakest and that requires the most work. It is the area that I've neglected and therefore allowed the door to become weak and allow negative entities to enter into my life and into my kids space. My house - and everybody's house for that matter - is meant to be a safe haven where we are in control of what goes in and out. We always want to feel good about our house or ourselves. When we neglect parts of our being they become vulnerable to things like addiction, bad relationships, bad habits, and negativity - hence the crackheads. These negative entities are always looking for a place to dwell and get high when they find one. They may come and go, but they will always come back as long as there is a way in. The way in is through a weak spirit that is neglected by its owner.
The different crackheads represent the characteristics of the addiction. For example, I was an Operations Manager for a solar franchise. I hid behind that title in my own mind to convince myself I wasn't the opiate crackhead that I am (right now). I have nice things like the white girl with the nice cellphone, purse, and belongings. I am also that abrasive Mexican girl who has a tendency to get in my man's face when he confronts me about my addiction. I am also the two black crackheads that laugh shit off like its a joke and not that serious. I am also the Mexican guy who shows up every fukkin time to party.
And deep down, I feel like my man thinks that even a wall won't keep the crackheads out because he's loved me through so many different substance abuse issues throughout our relationship. I feel like he doesn't have faith in me to get clean. I feel like I don't have faith in me sometimes to get clean.
Although I already knew there was something missing spiritually that causes me to want to use, the reality of it wasn't as clear as it is now with the dream I had. I feel like the only job I have now is to discover what it will take within myself to choose to keep that wall up and remodel "my kitchen". My only job right now in my life now that my boss recently laid me off is to get my house in order. I don't need to find a new job, or dilly dally around the house to try to stay busy. I need to gain some self awareness to discover my strengths and weaknesses and be mindful of that back door - to keep it shut and to establish a secure environment for me and my kids.
This may sound like a bunch of hoopla, but it's not. I've felt lost for a long time in my opiate haze. And, I do hear you Jungledog - you are correct - once again. Opiates change your brain chemistry and the same rinse and repeat has been going on with this addiction for a very long time. There is one thing though about the dream that speaks volumes to me - I never ran away from the crackheads. I always fought them and stayed in my house with the purpose of gaining control of my house again. I never ran away or coward in the corner.
Yes - my addiction looks bad. Yes - my addiction is bad. But, I can do it. And I plan to get clean without methadone and without suboxone. I have heard worse nightmares about that shit than what I'm doing now. Yes - there are times where I doubt myself and no one on here really has any reason to believe a word I'm saying. I believe you're all coming from a great place and I am so happy every time one of you takes the time to read about my current struggle. I am going to get my shit together because my life depends on it.
Last 3 pills taken at 6 am this morning. I am 3 1/2 hours in and counting...