My name... well thats something I don't really want to give away. But, Ill introduce myself. I am 19, live in the uk and I am attempting to get off of heavy Extacy usage. It started in September last year, when I was 18 years old. At the time, I had a job, but I had only had it for probably about a week or so, before that I was just scrounging around for a year from 17-18 getting high as shit all day everyday on weed. I had never really tried anything else - I had done MXE twice, Ketamine once, coke once and mandy once. But It had literally just been the one offs because I knew deep down how bad anything but weed is, you know weed is natural and all that shit. I was in an alright situation, I was still living under my parents roof, had a car. I had a crappy old banger for my first car, during the age of 17-18 where i literally dossed around doing nothing just getting high with mates. I used to get high in my car alot, knowing feds couldnt do anything if it was just boxered. I've been searched hundereds of times by feds, and the only time they ever caught me was when I was at pav, this place all of us used to chill get high etc, it was the place we always met up and there were like 30 of us. always just used to get high there, even when we didnt have cars. but on weed and nothing else.
Anyway, when I was with this girl it was about November time where shit started to get rocky for me. I had got an interview with a company - a big company! for a great opportunity to be trained and employed. It was a 3 year apprenticeship. I went and the guy told me i did very well despite being like half an hour late because i couldnt get hold of him - on a friday 13th as well! was a bit nervous but apparrently i pulled it off. I heard nothing back for about a month and then November comes - Youve got the job! I was shocked, i went from dossing around for a year doing fuck all to working in shitty pets at home and then to a huge company that would sort me out for life if i didnt fuck around and did shit properly! I was amazed. I actually felt happy. they said i started in 2 months (to fit in with the college that i would be going too). Meanwhile the regular weed usage was happening alot and I knew i had 2 months to enjoy before all my freedom was over and my job took off.
So I left my current job and did fuck all enjoying myself. I had a girlfriend who i loved and we did alot of things together. She didn't do any drugs, didn't smoke or anything. only drank alchahol. It was about a year into our relationship (about 3 days into me doing fuck all and enjoying myself) when I got an email through. It was sat outside my work for the last time - the last time I was going in and It was about 5 minutes before I started my shift. I had a fag and saw that I had an email. I read it - It was from the company I had got employed with. It was requesting I did a drugs test. I shift myself. Weed takes around 30 days to leave your system.
I was fucked. I went to my job that day feeling bare confused and couldnt wait to get the fuck out of there to go home and look up how to get weed out ur system. I did it and the only way was excersizing (which I started doing) drink a fuck load of cranberry jucie which I did and take vitamins. So I did it and I longed out the appointment with the doctor for like 20 days. I then booked a day and then cancelled on the day saying I was ill. I had to pay a hundered quid cuz I cancelled. I then booked it for a day that i would probably of been off of weed for about 30 days. I went to it and I basically i pissed in a pot and the nurse told me It would probably take a few months to get the result back, chances are ud never hear back from it. So obviously I was shitting it - I had drunk loads of water that morning as well to try and flush my system but obviously not too much else it would of been obvious, especailly when i longed it anyway. But I went home and at this point i had no worries. a month left off.
I could do whatever the fuck I wanted too. So I did. I went to the casino alot. I loved it there, I went alot with mates before and just put in a tenner or so. Then one night in particular i was there with a group of my mates and I put a fiver on 0. 180 quid came in. I couldnt believe it. I scatted probably around 20 quid around the bored with another 5er on zero. It came in again. I then put a tenner on zero and probably like 30 quid accross the board. It was crazy. it came in again and i was up to 700 quid in 4 spins, never having won anything more than like 20 quid before. But then, i started losing and i went down to about 600 quid and walked. I'd hardly ever had this much before, I only had one pay check from my previous job (thats how long i was there!) and it was like 300 quid. I had just had 600 quid given to me with no effort. I walked away and I got my second every gram of coke.
I loved it. I got another gram. Between the 4 of us, just in the car. But it was fucking awesome! I loved the buzz and i loved rollies on it as well! So, I went to casino the next day as well, I ended up thinking i could literallly read the board because all my predictions were right. at one point it hadnt gona on red for like 8 turns. put 200 on it (the limit i think) and i got 400 back. I was up to like a grand at this point. I ended up walking with that. I got alot of coke that night. Pures as well, and id never expierienced anything like it. At this point I had no idea how much it changes you, especially the day after and days after in some cases. But ill explain that later. I then went to bed and slept off the come down. next few weeks werent bad i spent a few days with my gf who i did love so much. we had alot of good times together I got coke alot in that month. I abused it hard. I ended up falling out with her because I was just a grumpy cunt all the time and when i was with her i just wanted coke. I even got her to try some. Not much but still.
I had turned into a coke head because of casino so I stopped. It was about a week left until I started work. I recovered and I went to work. It wasnt too bad. The relationship was still very rocky though. Christmas time comes, nothing really major happening in that month - i stopped all drugs when I started the job though - very important - it was hard and i had alot of cravings for everything, not just weed in particular - I started the job and I was at a college. i knew a few people there who did drugs there as well. therres drug users all around you cant tell who they are. i made friends and settled in. About 2 months into the job christmas comes and we get another 3 weeks off paid as well!. The first 2 months have been fairly relaxed, quite easy. I hadnt really gone casino much, i had lost about 400 - 500 quid recently and just stopped as it was fucking my money up - I spent alot more than I thought I did on coke. these 2 weeks in December haunt me and will always haunt me.
The day changed my life. December 6th 2013. I hadnt done any drugs. for about a month and a half. Tonight was the first day I had off - the friday my job ended for the christmas period. I had got a new car since the start of my story - my parents had brought me it with money my grandad left me. It was a nice car, nicest car ill ever drive. It was a BMW 1 series and it was rapid. I fucking loved it. So on December 6th i was getting high on weed (I had started again since it was the holidays). And we were about to get a bag. We drove past everybody that I knew in town on the way to a place to chill - just me and this mate. We managed to hook a number for a guy to drop coke, just down the road - probably less than a mile. So I hooned it there and I remembered that we had just seen all our mates down this road, so I looked at my mate who was obviously thinking the same thing as me and he looked at me and i said how fast - he said rag it! So I fucking floored it probably getting up to about 70-80 mph on this straight main road. It was a 30 limit. I remember seeing them, glimpsing them almost watching me. And this next bit I cant remember too well but: I was doing about 80MPH, baring in mind it was december and roads were iceyish - at about 11 ish at night. there was an island in the middle of the road and a car parked just a few meters infront of it. Ironically I had bretty bold front tyres at the time and I think that could of saved me tbh but anyway i flew round this island, trying to avoid the van at the same time - still going 80. I ended up spinning out hard buncing from one side of the road to the other, going on 2 wheels twice. I spen and slid sideways (my side first) through a fence and into a car. Ambulance came. I was fucked in the head after that. All my mates ran over they all saw it happen. Apparrently I had a dead look in my eyes - I knew instantly I was fucked. Police were on there way. Ambulance on there way. This was serious. Air bags gone off. I was so dissorrientated. I remeber loooking into one of my mates eyes and apparrently i looked dead. I said that my tyre burst to the cops (cuz it did on impact of the kerb) and I somehow got away with it. I know feds and they didnt have any there that could look at the road and tell how fast u had been going. i would of been fucked.
I retraced the marks my car left gouged into the pavement at a later date and im amazed i didnt get a conviction off of this. crazy shit but i ended up going home - literally crying id just lost me beauty. i only had it a few months. I knew my job was fucked now too - or i was gonna have to get the train every day. 6:30-5:30 every day. Killer. But I ended up going to bed. I slept it off. next day I planned with my gf and I spent all day at hers. She couldnt believe what had happened. She had a free yard and I got smashed with her. I just wanted drugs though, I knew drugs would make me buzzing and pumped for shit. I loved it. she didnt make me buzzing we just laid there and cuddled and had sex whenever her parents were out... it was bless there but I started going out with my mates more and I moved onto herbal haze this dodgy plastic stinking shit.There was a night in my mates car.
I did a shotty of that shit one night and nearly lost my mind. I forgot who I was for about half an hour. Genuinely seeing the people I was with and not remembering anything about them. I literally forgot who I was. But I loved it and I started doing it loads. Everyday. then i stopped cuz I realise it was getting too much and I couldnt stand the taste. I did coke again as well. started doing it loads. I became unaffectionate to my girlfriend and we split up. and it was too late to realise that I was the cunt. I was mad at her and I dont even know why. But shit was getting bad, Id lost alot in the past month or so. I moved to coke hard and my insurance money came in from the crash. i got 8 grand in my bank account. ALOT went on coke, about 2000 went at the casino. I lost alot of money. While maintaining my job I became a cokehead outside of work. Thing with this training place it was a piece of piss - I could do it with my eyes shut so obviously i didnt cqare i was on a come down every day - i went in several days with comedowns and no sleep just up all night with my mate doing coke.
I loved it but all i cared about was coke. I dossed off most days - my job was at serious risk if my company knew what I was doing. But I didnt care. I literally did not care. about anybody or anything I just wanted coke. But then I found extacy. I was on this stuff for about 4 months and most of it were blurrs of days. I dont even know how I got through this college shit. The effect it had on me felt fucking crazy. Baring in mind my days were 11 hours every day and I was doing around 4-5 pills a night. I got so hooked to that shit I felt ALIVE when I was on it, you know how it is :/. My parents had no idea any of this was going on and they are both very anti drugs. even now actually, they had no idea what I was doing to myself. But with the consumption of all these pills. I remember one night in particulr i was on them. I was in a call to my mate and I had probably a 5 minute convo with them and I remember it so clearly but I could not remember shit. It was just happening. My short term memory was fucked. time went quicker too. I got back to my mates car and sat down worrying abit, knowing I literally could not remember what was happening at the present time.
I got home that night and collappsed into bed. I remember the days after were really not pretty. I felt so suicidal, endless thoughts in my head telling me to kill myself. I was so depressed there were several occassions i thought of stealing my parents cars and just crashing them 180mph into oncoming traffic and just wipe myself out or doing something completely fucking wreckless. did I? No obviously not but the thoughts were there. Crazy thoughts. Anyway. I carried on life like this working all day getting fucked 50% of nights on this drug. It made me so happy. But it was scaring me and i knew I was fucking my body up as well. I could feel things starting to wrong - especially after hard nights of coke weed and extacy. And I forgot about the brown mandy omfg.
I tried this stuff and I dropped about 4 grams of it - and for somebody that had never really taken trippy shit it blew my mind. I felt euphoric as fuck - nothing like extacy but it was just as nice. It was dirty as fuck though felt like it had been cut with glass. but i did this stuff probably for about 3 days. Just putting it up my nose and tripping complete balls. my mate was driving and i was just tripping hard seeing floating tractors, roads turning into oceans, incredable detailed haunted houses just by the road and i was trippin hard but still sorta with it.It was fucking crazy. But the days after that, i got like these heart flutters - My heart almost lept in my chest and when it did I got this excrucitiatingly nice lightheaded feeling and it was almost as if everything in the world just hit me all at once but at the same time i forgot where i was and what i was doing, but only for those brief few seconds. And it kept happening.
FIrst time it happened when I was trying to sleep, the day after brown mandy and I fucking shit myself, I had no idea what was happening to me. I tried to have a fag to calm me down but I couldnt. I felt like I could just shut down whenever i had one of them. when i was trying to sleep they happened every like 3 mins or so. it always happened alot when i slept for some reason. But I was so scared but im not gonna lie - whenever i got them - they felt like the nicest feeling in the world. But they were scary. but i came off that shit and stopped doing that and over a months they stopped. but i was still on extacy, and we're coming to the end of it all now.
I could feel my body stuggling - ALOT when I did coke or extacy these days especially alot of it. I could feel my heart pounding - bursting out my chest all the time. One time after heavy coke and extacy the morning after I had not slept and I was round my mates and I had 140bpm resting. I was scatting out so I went to sleep at their yard. It was all starting to hit me, the realisation of exactly what I was doing at this point. to my head and too my body. I felt stupid and I felt weak. I kept getting random twinges of pain from my stomach, heart, lungs, nose, and kidneys oh... and i heard extacy eats away at your urinal tract... down there... I could feel it. whenever I pissed it would fucking burn like mad crazy. I knew I had to stop or my body was just gonna give. I had dreams that I couldnt tell if they were reality or if this is reality. I also had like dreamception where I would wake up... not be able to move thinking im awake... something scatty would happen and id wake up again. they were terrifying. I was going crazy. Genuinely mad. I just didnt know what was happening to me this wasnt normal I never used to feel things like this.
I never used to get horrificly bad dreams. I'm not a fat guy, not a thin guy, got quite a bit of muscle, 5 foot 9... not huge like i said. But I could tell my heart was going. It was a warning. I stopped the hard use for a little while but weed just dirdnt do it for me anymore. I didnt even want weed i just wanted extacy. I started again for a while. about a week after stopping. But I did a few more times and just stopped. I stopped everything at first. but after that coke became a regular use - obviously stupid for obvious reasons with my heart. I did coke HARD for about a month doing up to 9 grams of it in 1 night between 3 of us it was fucking nuts. But I knew we all had to stop or shit was gonna start going wrong.
We'd only been doing it 7-8 months and I knew I was going crazy, my other mates had suicidal thoughts too - It just could not keep happening. And my heart was getting worse. I was spending alot of time at home just going mad and sleeping whilst I wasnt doing drugs. I stopped. That was 2 months ago. I feel so much more healthier now that I have stopped everything - you could not imagine how bad I felt. I feel mentally stable as well. All this time I never spoke to anybody and theres so manyt thoughts that went around my head it was crazy. I also managed to keep down a job which im pleased to say - I have been on site for 3 months now and I am doing very well according to my manager. Obviously I could not of done that back when I was hooked. Towards the end of my college I didnt give a fuck about anything just couldnt wait for it to be over and dayd and days were just going. tbh i cant quite believe we're in october already it's crazy.
But I am recovering slowly and I am hoping to stay off of everything forever. Theres so much here I do thank all of you for reading. My hands hurt now ): Not as much as my insides still but hey. I am still having to suffer with what I have done to my body. My nose is completely fucked I did so much coke and so much other shit like mandy brown mandy etc. insides hurt occassionally and I think I might have a stomach ulcer but i cbf to go to the doctors until it gets painful. It's going to be hard enough to explain why my body is so fucked without losing my job. I think my vision suffered from the hard brown mandy use as well. Because your eyes get bigger and smaller so much it damages them. it has to mine. Obviously, money wasnt really an issue all this time we got so many drugs and always went hard and i regret it so much now. I have fucked my life up but not too bad.
I am glad I stopped when I did. I can still function as aperson but learning is alot harder than it used to be. . I am still in about 3 grand of debt to the bank because I got a HUGE overdraft option which I now have to pay back now that I am not spending it all on illegal drugs that fuck you up. If anybody is out there on any of this shit. Trust me quit now. No "ill do it one more time" you need to just stop. Then you'll realise what your doing.
Does anybody know how long coke stays in your nose. because 3 months on im still getting bits of my nose come out if I blow it... its fucking disgusting... still get blood come out as well and my stomach feels fucked. Mentally im recovering okay, still fairly depressed but I work and I work HARD then just get depressed when I come home. It's so weird :/ But is there any easy way to get your body back into good health? Cuz I still feel like im dying everyday.
Oh yeah, I do still smoke weed but that's all I do... I wonna quit that soon but ill give that some time...