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  1. Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

    Hello again, everyone. I cannot overstate the help that the support from everyone posting in this thread has helped me, along with reading about everyone else's struggles in the recovery forums. It's long past time for me to post an update, as I'm still here. I've been lurking and posting (a little) ever since my last update in 2012, yet haven't had the courage to update how things have been.

    For the rest of 2012, I was using lots and lots of kratom (with extracts) daily, and using DXM, too. By the beginning of 2013, I had racked up about $2,500 in debt (through BillMeLater) and was having daily panic attacks about it. In January of 2013 I confessed to my parents about my kratom use. They helped me pay that bill down and then paid for a monthly set amount of kratom to help support me, and throughout 2013 and then into 2014 this continued.

    Throughout 2013 I used lots of DXM, even though it didn't get me high anymore. Through the early part of the year, for several months I was using 2 bottles of Robitussin every day for about 3 months and I wouldn't even get euphoria from it, much less any other effects - it was just to not get sick. Sometimes when I used it I would get a "reverse high," where the initial rush that comes on was instead a rush of pain and acidic burning throughout my mind. It was a very horrible period of time for me.

    By around April, I met someone on a different web site forum specifically devoted to kratom that happened to live half a mile away from me. This is a very rare coincidence considering it was an international forum, so what was the odds of finding a fellow kratom user so close by? Anyway, we quickly became friends. I will call him C.

    Because I had very, very few real-life friends and never went out or did anything, C and I became close friends. He never went outside either, or did anything, either, except use kratom and other drugs.

    As 2013 wore on, more and more my friend C opened up to me with an increasing trove of drugs he was using. During June, July and August we had our psychedelic experimentation phase. I've used very few drugs except DXM and weed up to this point in my life: I had had LSD a couple of times before this but that was about it. During this period (and intermittently afterward) we tripped on LSD a few times and they were wonderful experiences. I also did magic mushrooms for the first time, in a chocolate bar.

    I went out one day into the woods by myself early in the morning, having already had my normal morning kratom, too. When alone out there, I ate the shrooms chocolate bar, then about 30 minutes later I consumed 125mg of MDMA (my first experience with that, too).

    The experience was amazing and very spiritual. Nature talked to me. :D I found the MDMA quite an awesome experience by itself, but with the shrooms it was something else. I listened to a lot of Infected Mushroom and walked through the woods for most of the day, smoking weed, too. Overall I was very pleased with the whole experience.

    During that summer, besides a few LSD trips and the shroom/MDMA experience, we also messed with 2C-B and had many good times with that watching movies and stuff. It was like a very gentle LSD experience but without most of the inner mindfuck/spirituality aspect, more of something you would do going to the movies or an amusement park or something, or just to chill with friends (which we didn't do, I'm just saying). We would normally ingest it orally in water, but often I would snort some, too. I hadn't really sniffed much of any sort of drugs any time in my life before this, although I'd always wanted to.

    Then I got into Methoxetamine.

    C. had a high quantity of very good MXE, which he shared with me (like all of these drugs, he just gave them to me to experience at no cost. I think one reason he did this, besides being a good friend, was that he was lonely and really wanted someone else to do drugs with him instead of alone). He got good response from MXE: strong psychedelic experiences, including lots of euphoria generated from music and sound. He claimed once to have heard the "perfect note," from a certain song. He also had something happen (I wasn't there) where he was leaning back in his chair and it tipped over and he hit his head. Afterward he claimed that he didn't get as good effects from MXE anymore and some bad effects from it. I think he was just descending into MXE addiction as he was using an awful lot of it (100-500mg a day of very pure MXE).

    This was about when he introduced it to me. He warned me to start at a low dose (I was insufflating it). I started at 25mg, then did another 25mg a half hour later, then another 50mg, and didn't get much from it. We were surprised. Eventually, after doing further research, I discovered it was in the same family as DXM, an NMDA-antagonist dissociative, and the answer became clear: I had cross-tolerance from my 20 years of DXM abuse and had already "lost the magic" of MXE before ever using it for the first time. From this reasoning, although I've never tried ketamine, I suspect I wouldn't get any psychedelic aspects from it, either. Ruined it already because of DXM.

    Thus began a few months of heavy MXE use for myself. C had tired of it yet still had 10g of it or so. He would give me a few hundred milligrams at a time and I began using upwards of a hundred milligrams a day, though never at one time.

    For me, I did not get any psychedelic aspects from MXE, as I've said. Instead, I would get only the dissociative and numbing effects from it with little to no euphoria. I used it to blunt and numb myself on a daily basis from about July of 2013 until January of 2014. It got really bad in the winter of 2013, when I began struggling due to its effects as it began giving me very black depression.

    It was around this time, in August of 2013, when I introduced C to Gabepentin. He had never used it before. He immediately fell in love with it. I was trying to minimize the amounts of it I was using (and was prescribed 2,400 mg a day in three 800mg doses), so I had about 100g put back. I began trading C Gabapentin for MXE. I was trading him about 8-10 grams of Gabapentin for a gram of MXE a week throughout the fall and winter.

    October 15, 2013 was the last time I used DXM. It ended a long string of daily usage from throughout the year. I still have not used DXM up to the present, although I've had to wrestle with other demons instead. So, at least, I have become divorced from my original drug of choice and haven't used DXM for something like 460 days now and no longer crave it. I crave other stuff, which I'll get to in a bit.

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  1. bluestar
    Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

    I assume you are aware that MXE is just as addictive if not more so than DXM. It is very easy to trade DXM for MXE addiction and vice versa. For example I had a very bad MXE habit at one point so I switched to doing DXM once or twice a week and sometimes more than that when I was very depressed or under a lot of strain. On top of that with the kratom, you are going through quite a lot. If you have never tried inpatient chemical dependency treatment, I think you would be a very eligible candidate. I did that for a while. You just have to do it for a while; be willing to try something different to help yourself, just for a while. Then you can decide if you want to view life from a different perspective instead of using the lens of addiction to define who you are on a daily basis.

    Best wishes