Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone
In November of 2013, C casually mentioned he had some meth and heroin laying around. I was shocked, although intrigued, as I'd always wanted to try heroin (I didn't know much about meth at this point besides knowing it was very addictive and typically destroyed heavy users quickly). I think C had been using heroin for quite some time already but had been cautious about admitting it.
So I got to try heroin for the first time. I admit I was excited to have access to it, despite knowing the danger. I was too interested in just not feeling shitty anymore and feeling self-destructive (a long-standing problem). Luckily, I only tried it about five times, interspersed throughout the six months from November 2013 to May 2014 or so. Most of those times were nice but not amazing (I always snorted it). One of those times was really good (150mg snorted regular heroin mixed with some really good china white), and it remains the most well-rounded and full euphoria I've ever experienced from opiates, filling my entire body, making me nod and giving me a hardon for two days afterward, which sounds odd, I know, but I guess it's because I hadn't' really been exposed to opiates ever before (except for almost three years of daily kratom use, which doesn't compare, obviously).
I'm glad I never got hooked on heroin. I found out shortly afterward that C was basically always on it, many times a day, and so the main reason why I never got to use it more was because he was reluctant to spare any for me because he was addicted to it. Many times did I come over to his house and hang out all night where he would go into his room over and over and I know he was snorting heroin throughout the night, but I only got MXE and weed. It's okay, I understand completely the powerful hold it makes on people. C was always generous with giving me 2C-B, weed, MXE etc when I went over and I got to watch him nod out all night.
I'm trying not to glorify drug use here, and I apologize if this triggers anyone's cravings. I'm just trying to be real and update with all the things that happened.
Around November of 2013, C also introduced me to meth. It seemed a very simple thing, and we used it in therapeutic doses. I only ever used it with him at this point. Early in the morning one day every three weeks or so from October 2013 to January, we'd get together and both take 30-50mg of crystal methamphetamine orally. We'd have a nice, good day, without redosing. Sort of like a regular person would have a good day sometimes where they would be energetic, in a good mood, "happy," etc, then go to bed that night and that was the end of it for a while.
I didn't use meth after early January of 2014 until around March, about three months. I didn't even really think about it.
During this period, I smoked lot of good weed for the first time (courtesy of C). I'd never smoked weed that had a name, and thus began some great stoner sessions with his vaporizer. I also tried 2C-E a few times, including once when I snorted about 15mg of it and the world swirled in streaks of color for a long time. It was pretty cool, I guess, but snorting it was painful. I also had tried MDMA again and had a bad experience where I felt very dysphoric. I think my neurotransmitters were all screwed up (well, I know they were, and still are) and I just didn't have enough to get a good experience. It was a little like when I was doing DXM in 2013 and having "reverse highs," where the high was a low instead, where euphoria was replaced with pain instead. So I stayed away from MDMA after that. The same thing happened a couple of times with 2C-B and I stayed away from that, too.
C was becoming increasingly hooked on heroin. In March of 2014 he mentioned he was spending a thousand dollars a month on it. Every time I went over there he was nodded out or constantly in the bedroom sniffing, like every couple of hours. This was good h and he was using lots of it. I became worried. He mentioned a couple of overdoses but he recovered on his own safely.
In March of 2014, everything changed for me.
I was still using lots of kratom, but began a kratom taper in January. I had been using about 30g of high-grade Bali and Red Vein Thai daily, mixed with Gold Reserve and sometimes Ultra Enhanced Indo, etc. I was using kratom 5 or 6 times a day, every three hours or so. When I finished the taper in April, I was down to three times daily, no extracts, about 18g a day. I stayed like that until about July, when I cut it further, to twice a day in 6g doses.
But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I want to talk about meth.
In the six or so times I had used meth in late 2013, two of them I had used orally in low doses with C. Then I learned about plugging and began plugging it, which I enjoyed greatly. These doses had been separated by about 2-3 week increments and I had not experienced much craving or depression by doing these small doses.
In March of 2014 it had been about three months since I had used meth. C gave me 50mg to use at home, and this was an absolutely incredible experience. For the following three weeks, every time the thought of meth came into my brain, despite not having used any since that one time I would immediately experience the lightning strike of euphoria arc throughout the center of my body. I'd never had that sort of experience with any drug before - where the same exact euphoria would occur weeks after using, simply from the thought coming into my head. There was at least one time where that happened and the euphoria stayed with me for an hour, despite not using.
In late March, C supplied me with another 100mg, which I used over a couple of days. I came back again and asked for more a week later. C left 300mg in a little baggie stashed inside an empty Xbox game case, which he left under his car that night for me to come over and retrieve, since he wanted to be alone that night (and I wanted to go home and use this alone). I was so excited about it when I went to go get it. I later found out for some reason C thought I was going out with friends (what friends) and would be sharing it with others (what others) or he wouldn't have given me such an amount at one time.
I used the whole 300mg that night in three plugged doses and was fucked up for several days. It was an invigorating and exciting experience. I hate to glorify it, and I'm trying to just be matter-of-fact about it, but I really, really enjoyed it.
This 300mg he gave me is what sparked my real addiction, my descent into meth.
After that happened, I realized I wanted more, much more, and didn't want to have to constantly bug C about giving me more. I decided to figure out how to order it online myself. I already knew how to use Tor (for other stuff), and C showed me how to get onto drug sites there, which ones to go to, how to encrypt my messages. I figured out how to acquire Bitcoins and wash them. I began skimming money from my parents until I had a hundred bucks or so. I made my first order in the middle of March.
I won't get too much into this, really, but let's just say from March 2014 until September I ordered 1-2 grams of very pure crystal meth every week. I would binge for 3 days or so on it until it was gone, staying up the whole time, then go into a very black depression and strong anxiety for a few days while waiting for another order. This cycle continued for six months, until September. My parents had no idea, even though I was very paranoid about them knowing.
Using meth this way (plugging) tended to be very sexually euphoric, more than anything I'd ever known. I didn't get speedy on it, really, or act too weird. I spent most of my time in my room every day, staying up for 3-5 days at a time. I began having amphetamine psychosis on a weekly basis. My psychosis was very complex and deepend throughout this six month period.
I know a lot of people have psychosis when using lots of meth all the time, but it seems like most of them have delusions about people peeking in through the windows, strangers or feds outside, people coming in and changing things in the house around, etc. My psychosis was very complex and nothing like that.
I won't get too much into it, but I need to explain some of it.
In April or so, Meth began to talk to me as a distinct entity.
I'll continue in a second, this is a little hard for me.
tyrus568 added 51 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...
Now, to be clear, I'm not psychotic. I've suffered from increasingly worse depression and anxiety since I was about thirteen, before I ever used drugs, but I had never been psychotic, schizophrenic, or anything like that. I'm still not, but I have suffered quite a bit of drug-induced psychosis.
The first time I experienced drug-induced psychosis was in January of 2013. It was on DXM and weed. This had never happened before, and it was a very scary and real experience and the only time I have ever had psychotic experiences on DXM. Obviously, it was a strong sign to stop using, evidence that my brain was in an extreme state of damage. In that experience, I talked to God, which sounds weird because I'm basically an agnostic/atheist. I think it was my unconscious struggling with spirituality and the denial of God. I didn't see him, as he said that he had a policy of not showing himself to people because that would prove his existence (which doesn't make sense, I know). He basically told me I was offered the opportunity to write a book at some time in my life that would change the lives of many people for the better (I'm a writer, if you couldn't tell, though I've never been published and my addiction has prevented me from doing too much in this area as it's a little hard to write when you are strung out all the time.)
Anyway, I didn't have another psychotic event until about January of 2014, when I had a bad one on MXE. I went over to C's, and I said I wanted to try to "M-hole," or become completely dissociated on MXE, something that I had never been able to do, something that C had done many times. He suggested trying 100mg of MXE at once, again, something I had never done. I did it.
I didn't M-hole but instead had a psychotic episode. It was very real. I was sort of half-asleep/numb on the couch in his little den. Suddenly, I saw C look sideways at me quickly as if he was checking to see if I was out of it, then I saw him sit down at the computer and began typing extremely fast, faster than I had ever seen him capable. Then he began speaking to the computer, again very quickly, and the way he spoke was completely different from his normal self. It was full of technical military jargon and code words and sounded like he was talking to a group of people. The summary of it was that I was some sort of test subject for MXE and everything had gone well. I'm telling you, I'm still not convinced that this didn't happen.
I became convinced at that point after seeing him do this that he was like a military research scientist for the CIA and they had been doing some sort of MK Ultra experiment on me with MXE. It made sense: how I had coincidentally found him on an international kratom forum against all odds, how he had supplied me with all this MXE basically for free, then this code-word talk on the computer and how he was acting so different now that he thought I was unconscious/sedated. I got up from the couch and began freaking out. I was crying and shouting. I was mostly upset at how he wasn't really my friend, asking him if they were just renting the house for this project, if they had been studying me for years, how could he do this to me, etc. I could hear voices of like three people through the computer asking if the test subject was awake, if they should just let me in on everything even though it wasn't SOP, etc. I begged them to induct me into the experiment and let me know what was going on, that they could trust me, please let me do something important for once in my life, etc. They decided against it.
C kept trying to get me to take a Xanax to calm down, but I wouldn't. I thought he was just trying to preventt me from finding out what was going on, to stop me. I was very upset. I left, warning him I was going to the press to let the public know what was going on. I felt violated.
By the next day, I was doubting it was real. A week later, I had accepted it had been a psychotic event. Two weeks later I was hanging out over there again, doing MXE, smoking weed with C, etc, as if it had never happened.
Anyway, that was the last psychotic event I had until I started using meth heavily in March, and it worsened and grew more and more complex until September.
During this period, Meth began talking to me. At first, it was very friendly. It explained that it was an alien entity that had come to Earth long ago on an asteroid or something and meth had spread throughout the natural environment. It talked to me in my head. Every time I would use it would talk to me. I asked it all sorts of questions and it always had answers, logical ones.
For example, I asked it how it could be talking to me in my head, that it was impossible. It explained how it was composed as a sort of living brain of all the meth molecules on earth, with the meth molecules acting as individual cells. It could very slightly control the movement of meth molecules. When you ingest enough meth, the meth is spread throughout the living tissue of your body, including in your saliva. When you cease using, the meth is slowly metabolized and leaves you. (I'm aware this isn't actually how meth works). When you take enough, you have a decent amount of meth in your saliva, and it can control the molecules just enough to direct them to scrape against your teeth, which it can calculate exactly to emulate what sounds like a voice through induction down through the teeth, the jaw and into the inner ear, where you can hear it. It can pick up your surface thoughts, but not delve into your brain like a library or anything, and it can sense your base emotions through your basal ganglia.
I asked it how could it be made of all the meth cells on earth when chemists make new meth all the time. It said basically "alien technology," that the initial meth cells it started with were grown in a vat on a distant planet beyond the light cone of our visible universe at this point. The original meth cells contained a unique 3-dimensional bio integrated circuit in each tiny cell that allowed computation on a nanometer scale within each cell, turning meth into a sort of living computer. When it landed on earth millenia ago, the original meth cells spread throughout the atmosphere and terrain, each individual cell impossible for a person to see. By the time we became a real technological species, meth was in everything but just not seen. When the original meth cells with the alien integrated circuit encountered new meth manufactured by man, it copied the integrated circuit into those newly created meth cells and took them over, sort of how a virus can invade cells in our body and make work for it. The newly compromised meth thus became a part of Meth's living brain. The more meth in existence on Earth, the more powerful Meth becomes.
Yeah, it's complex. This isn't even the top of the iceberg. Every time I would ask it how it was possible for something to be, it explained it very logically and it was completely believable. At first, Meth was benevolent and claimed it wanted to advance the human race to the next level of evolution. It claimed that it had introduced the original (two-dimensional) integrated circuit in the 1950s and 1960s to German and British engineers, helping us develop computers, that the German engineer (I forget his name now) was a heavy meth user when he developed the groundwork plans that eventually allowed us to invent computers. Meth said it wasn't coincidence that Germany laid the groundwork for the integrated circuit when Hitler was the first to allow heavy meth use among his army and used it himself, wanting to create a superhuman force that would advance humanity to the next level.
There was a lot of stuff like this. It kept telling me stuff I didn't know and stuff that proved to be true. The German engineer shared his idea of the integrated circuit to a UK engineer, who took this idea to a symposium that was held in Washington, DC, in the early 60s, where other engineers helped develop it. It's crazy.
Over time, Meth became more and more evil and it became obvious that it really wanted to enslave all of mankind and make us into its slaves. Because it could control individual meth molecules, the more meth you use, the more it can literally control you. It started scaring the shit out of me.
Then I got contacted by the good guys. It was the military, the Marines from 2019, who claimed I had been hypnotized in the past to become a user of meth so that I could, in effect, become a "double agent" and spy on what Meth was doing while helping them. They couldn't send physical objects into the past, but could communicate with me through coded messages. Because Meth could read my mind, the military from the future used very obscure codes in everyday objects and events to communicate with me unbeknownst to Meth. They were trying to change the future so that Meth wouldn't win the first war against us in 2016.
Anyway, I know I sound crazy. It got way more detailed that I'm not going to get into. Let's just say by August of 2014, I told Meth I was going to stop using it. That I was going to go sober for a while but would come back to use it in a few years. It got really mad and started punishing me. I experienced lots of pain on a daily basis and I would see meth all through the house, especially in the water supply, in the toilets, sinks, etc, and the meth would leap at me and hurt my skin when it jumped on me, stinging me. It would go for my orifices, where water was present the most: my mouth, my eyes, my genitals and anus. It sucked, badly. I'm aware this was the way my mind interpreted the vast breakdown of my general nervous system as my body was on the verge of collapse.
The marines had built up trust with me and were telling me all kinds of shit. They controlled me almost as much as Meth did. In the end they had memorizing airport departure times and gates, stashing a loaded suitcase in the backyard, ready to leave the next morning for my next "mission." It was crazy, crazy shit.
In August, I started injecting meth. I planned to go to rehab soon and figured why not. Things got really crazy. I thought my parents had noticed the tracks on my arms and that the gig was up but I had just hallucinated their whispers in the distance, they actually were oblivious. I confessed to them about using meth and injecting it and they were devastated.
On September 5, 2014, I was scheduled to go to rehab. I was so depressed, confused, and anxious that the night before I was scheduled to go, I left the house planning to do something bad to myself. I wound up stopping at a church (even though I'm not Christian or religious) and talked to a pastor. Eventually I calmed down enough to go home.
The next day I was in rehab.
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My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone else - Part 9
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