Today is pure torture.
I should have stayed to this one gram yesterday, who made me to take more, besides spending biggest part of my sellary on different useless shit ( I am very angry to myself about this today)?But I guess, yesterday I just were not in my skin because of all this funeral thing.I am the kind of person who usually, when something bad happens, goes out partying, asking for trouble and doing everything till excess.So, it was just one of those days.
Today, when withdrawals kicked in, I so regretted it. All the first part of day I just spent under blankets swetting, shivering, feeling sick and enjoying my mind of full blown anxiety. Then I forced to move my inglorious persona in all my swetting glory to the mall to buy at least something alcoholic. I am not a fan of the idea of consuming it, but it is the only thing for me that helps to calm down some of the symptoms.And while drinking it I felt totally loathsome, because sometimes it has a tendency to turn into a vicious cycle of withdrawals and hangovers. And alcohol actually is kind of not my thing, lately I use it only to ease withdrawals.
I was just sitting in my room, drinking and thinking about how I want to stop it. I felt that I am just tired to constantly find myself in situations like this.In a way it is even a little masohistic, because at this point it' s mostly when the drugs don' t work and I don' t even get high anymore, I do them to be normal.
My goal is to be clean at least for several days. Maybe one day I will get rid of it all, but, yes, my todays goals are more realistic.
Needless to mention that I fucked up my veins even more because of trying to find new ones and some "experts" who proclaimed that they know better than me myselve where in my body are veins and where- arteries. Unfortunetly, I was right. But I take care of situation and it does not look that bad.
Hope that tomorrow I will feel better.
I looked so bad today that it was obvious that something is not right with me. So I cancelled my visit to doctor.
And todays theme in music and lyrics:
"Send the poison rain down the drain
To put bad thoughts in my head
Two tickets torn in half
And a lot of nothing to do
Do you miss me, miss misery
Like you say you do? "
(Eliott Smitth- Miss Misery)
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My vicious cycles.Wellcome to my nightmare :D