Want to say a big thankyou to all of you who have responded to my thread. It really has made a huge difference to my psychological health. You do feel like you are the only one.. DF members have been amazing. I now have people I can e-mail when I'm doing something stupid and somehow it seems to slow me up.
I will be glad to see the end of this year. I've had two near death experiences that I have walked away from unscathed. I've been told I'm not a cat and don't have nine lives. Must admit with all the bullshit that has come my way in this last year - I have been a bit reckless. I couldn't have stopped taking buprenorphine at a worst time.. I had so many drugs at my disposal (which if life hadn't turned to shit all at once.. I probably wouldn't have binged on them... I don't think?!)
Having said that.. I did, it's done and now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm back working, it's a gruelling job but none the less.. I'm working. Had a nice X-MAS with my family and it sinking in finally that no matter how shit I feel.. atleast I'm here.
This was all re-inforced by the fact that I rolled my car 1.25 times on Boxing Day and walked away with a scratch on my foot from kicking the windscreen out. Began walking to work but on arrival they all freaked out and sent me home. My family reckon 'some people will do anything to get out of work'... lol.
Car is a complete write off, so in the New Year I'm going to have to buy another. (Have a back up car but I don't want to fully thrash it on dirt roads). Besides 4WD is almost mandatory here.
Haven't taken any opiates throughout the festive season.. the last thing I had was a Tramadol on the 19th December. Won't say it's been pleasant, but bearable. Never feel quite right and yeah things hurt but all things considered I'm doing ok. Not many people get as many warnings as I have.
This is just a personal opinion but when I first started this journal and did 40 days clean (for the first time in nearly 20 years) I think I wore a huge ongoing lump of symptoms into the 60 + day mark. OK, I relapsed, got back on the Fent, Morphine, Tramadol but I think the fact that it never lasted that long at a time has brought me to where I'm at now.
Each time I had no choice but to stop, I used everything until it ran out and then sought Tramadol to stay functional. Yeah, I've used amphets on occasion as backup for days when I have to be somewhere and just can't. Drank my fair share of booze (cos I can pretend I'm being recreational like the rest of the country), smoked a bit of weed but for me those are easier to iron out than opiates.. they are my BIG issue.
Change is hard. Doesn't just stop being hard tomorrow.. but I'm moving into a house early January so I'll finally have somewhere to put all my shit! One more trip and I should have all my stuff. Not sure what I'm picking it up in as I completely totalled the car but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Don't think my New Years will be huge, gotta work the next morning at 9am. Sucks but what can you do. I dare say I'll be doing said work with a decent hangover too. It's a shitty time of year for our kind. Excess is easy and it just rolls on. Thankfully I haven't come across anything that will start up my opiate issue again as I can't say for certain I'm strong enough to say no. I have one Tramadol - that's it! I've had it since 19/12/14 - I have left it for an emergency. I hate Tramadol anyway so I guess that it's not something I have to fight hard to abstain from.
Hope all you guys had a good X-MAS and are all coping ok. I seem to be in a good place for the first time in a long, long time and am here for support should anybody need it.
Please take care my friends, we all know what can happen!