Nearly 40 days - will I ever feel ok? - Part 15

By Fidget247 · Dec 30, 2014 · ·
  1. Want to say a big thankyou to all of you who have responded to my thread. It really has made a huge difference to my psychological health. You do feel like you are the only one.. DF members have been amazing. I now have people I can e-mail when I'm doing something stupid and somehow it seems to slow me up.

    I will be glad to see the end of this year. I've had two near death experiences that I have walked away from unscathed. I've been told I'm not a cat and don't have nine lives. Must admit with all the bullshit that has come my way in this last year - I have been a bit reckless. I couldn't have stopped taking buprenorphine at a worst time.. I had so many drugs at my disposal (which if life hadn't turned to shit all at once.. I probably wouldn't have binged on them... I don't think?!)

    Having said that.. I did, it's done and now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm back working, it's a gruelling job but none the less.. I'm working. Had a nice X-MAS with my family and it sinking in finally that no matter how shit I feel.. atleast I'm here.

    This was all re-inforced by the fact that I rolled my car 1.25 times on Boxing Day and walked away with a scratch on my foot from kicking the windscreen out. Began walking to work but on arrival they all freaked out and sent me home. My family reckon 'some people will do anything to get out of work'... lol.

    Car is a complete write off, so in the New Year I'm going to have to buy another. (Have a back up car but I don't want to fully thrash it on dirt roads). Besides 4WD is almost mandatory here.

    Haven't taken any opiates throughout the festive season.. the last thing I had was a Tramadol on the 19th December. Won't say it's been pleasant, but bearable. Never feel quite right and yeah things hurt but all things considered I'm doing ok. Not many people get as many warnings as I have.

    This is just a personal opinion but when I first started this journal and did 40 days clean (for the first time in nearly 20 years) I think I wore a huge ongoing lump of symptoms into the 60 + day mark. OK, I relapsed, got back on the Fent, Morphine, Tramadol but I think the fact that it never lasted that long at a time has brought me to where I'm at now.

    Each time I had no choice but to stop, I used everything until it ran out and then sought Tramadol to stay functional. Yeah, I've used amphets on occasion as backup for days when I have to be somewhere and just can't. Drank my fair share of booze (cos I can pretend I'm being recreational like the rest of the country), smoked a bit of weed but for me those are easier to iron out than opiates.. they are my BIG issue.

    Change is hard. Doesn't just stop being hard tomorrow.. but I'm moving into a house early January so I'll finally have somewhere to put all my shit! One more trip and I should have all my stuff. Not sure what I'm picking it up in as I completely totalled the car but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

    Don't think my New Years will be huge, gotta work the next morning at 9am. Sucks but what can you do. I dare say I'll be doing said work with a decent hangover too. It's a shitty time of year for our kind. Excess is easy and it just rolls on. Thankfully I haven't come across anything that will start up my opiate issue again as I can't say for certain I'm strong enough to say no. I have one Tramadol - that's it! I've had it since 19/12/14 - I have left it for an emergency. I hate Tramadol anyway so I guess that it's not something I have to fight hard to abstain from.

    Hope all you guys had a good X-MAS and are all coping ok. I seem to be in a good place for the first time in a long, long time and am here for support should anybody need it.

    Please take care my friends, we all know what can happen!



  1. Lady Vicodin
    Something that really struck me is that you said that each time you have stopped, you did so because you didn't have any choice BUT to stop. If you could find a way to make it so that no matter what, taking the opiates would get you no where, do you think that would help?

    I'm asking because I recently came across some information on a drug called Vivitrol. It's a shot that you get right above your buttocks, and for 25 days it slowly releases itself into your system, making it impossible to get high. You will kill yourself before you catch so much as a codeine buzz. It can't be manipulated to use around like methadone or suboxone. You get the shot and for the next 25 days, there is no point in even trying to break through it because you can't. It's a commitment and from everything I've researched, you won't get high no matter what you try. It helps with cravings for the simple fact that knowing you can't use shuts up that stupid horrible little voice in your head that keeps saying, ya wanna get high? Huh? Huh? You can just tell that voice to shut up because there is no point in trying. It doesn't help with withdrawls, so you still have to deal with those symptoms and medicate or meditate or do whatever you can to get through them. You also have to be 5 days into a detox before you get the shot or it can throw you into PWDs and we all know that is hell.

    It seems like fate, I only learned of this option a couple of days ago, and your situation seems like one that could really benefit from it. Please do some reading up on it at your own leisure, and you may find that it could be a helpful tool in your struggle to beat this monster called addiction.

    Lastly, I just want to give you some love and encouragment. You have been doing this for 17 years. That's not a binge, or even a habit. That has been your LIFE for almost two decades. In some ways you can't look at this as a "take it one day at a time" kind of thing, though of course during the hardest moments that's what you have to do. You have to look at this as having to change everything in your life. The biggest way to break a habit is to change your routines. The bigger the changes, the better the results. How important is your life to you? Is it worth moving away? Far enough away where you don't know a soul, where there are no triggers, no memories, nothing to pull you to or push you away? You may have to get drastic in your choices if you want to survive. Do you have family or friends that enable or trigger? Get away from them, and keep reminding yourself that this is your life, this is survival, and a few hurt or angry feelings are small chips compared to the alternative. The more things you can change and make different and new, the more likely you will be able to maintain control of your urges. Put yourself into a position where you just CANT fall off the wagon and you won't. Think of it as jail, but you are still free if that makes sense.

    I really hope you find a way to beat this! The fact that you are still trying means that there is something still worth fighting for. As long as you still have will and still have hope, you still have a chance. Keep breathing and you can keep trying.

  2. Kitts
    Hey Fidge,

    So nice to see your latest update. You're doing great, girl! All these changes you're making - I doff my hat. I find change to be so difficult. You are inspiring me here.

    Thank you so much for all your supportive messages and friendship. And well done for all your achievements over the last few months.

    Much love,
  3. lostlygirl
    Hi Girl!

    Its so great to hear from you! I think about you often. We share the same addiction and I really look up to you for getting off this shit. That's amazing that you walked away from the car accident with nothing more than a scratch, you are one lucky girl. Perhaps you really ARE a cat, lol! Maybe in another life? ;)

    I didn't realize you live outback. I lived outback in Tazzie for a while. 200 km's from the nearest town and did school by correspondence that a plane would drop from the sky to us each week with our mail. We would then have to go hunt for the mail in all the bracken, which is no easy task. What's it like where you live?

    Shit, I miss home especially this time of year. New years is not the same big celebration over here. Go easy on the drinking, you know how easy it is to just change addictions. You have really changed your life around. Congrats with the move and the job. Made props, girl! It's great to get such a positive update, it's really made my day.

    Keep posting. I love hearing positive recovery stories. People seem to drop off the radar when they get better, and yet I think there is a need to hear what life is like on the other side.

    Again, it's great to hear from you. PM me any time and enjoy that beautiful, hot, searing Aussie heat for me. :)
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