Neutral Buoyancy

By PastorFuzz · Mar 2, 2019 · ·
  1. 3-1-19
    Howzitgoin, everybody?

    Good news: still off meth, comin up on 3 weeks. Smooth sailin so far
    Bad news: still on the jalle every day, which goes a long way toward explainin why I was able summarize the last 3 weeks off meth as havin been smooth sailin.

    Those jagged unpredictable emotional extremes that had me pickin fights in the grocery store during the initial phase of my may-june '18 short-lived escape from the hielo have been mostly eradicated thru judicious abuse of the jalle. I'm still a lil abrasive sometimes, but nuthin nearly as erratic as I was then. I think some of that is just a symptom of growin older. I gotta face it. Out in the real I'm just a hostile SOB. I ain't like the warm fuzzy SOB I am around here.

    Bottom line: The condition my condition is in is better than it once was but not as good as it needs to be.

    This is the benevolent purgatory two-point-oh. This is hedgin every bet I place. This is drivin with one foot on the brake, placin one hand on the bible and one boot on the devil's wing, strikin a balance between momentum and inertia, achievin neutral buoyancy, entertainin mutually exclusive ideas, and moderately extreme extreme moderation.

    Empathy (to empathize with) is a beneficial character trait if utilized in moderation. To over-empathize often renders a person unable to make decisive timely choices. The overly-empathetic toad that walks on two legs who finds himself standin on the railroad tracks as a speedin locomotive is haulin ass straight toward him can clearly see both the benefits and the harm in hoppin to the left of the tracks, and he can see equally clearly both the harm and the benefits of hoppin to the right of the tracks. Should the benefit-to-harm ratio be the same on both sides of the tracks, the overly-empathetic toad that walks on two legs may linger a lil too long on the tracks cuz he can't decide which way to hop, which costs him his life.

    True or False? "Moderation is key. Anything in excess is bad for us. Even things that are good for us become bad for us in excess"

    False is the correct answer. Though the statement is essentially true, there are usually some exceptions to every rule. One example is warfare. "Mediocrity in warfare is imbicility" is one of my favorite quotes. Recovery from drug addiction is an addict waging war against his/her addiction. I believe addicts who achieve significant lastin recovery do so by makin recovery the top priority in their life and doin whatever they gotta do to reach that goal. An addict must divest himself/herself of any and all people, places, and things that impede recovery. They don't hedge their bets and they don't conditionalize their recovery. There can be no ambiguity. And this is where I fail. I'm never "all in". I always gotta leave the door open just a crack. And that's all it takes to set myself up to fail.

    I've been up 24 hours, gotta problem with a fucked up crazyass naber. Cops just now took his worthless ass to the psyche ward. I'm gonna go get some sleep

    Y'all have a decent day Screenshot_2019-02-28-10-14-45.png


  1. angelraysmehigher
    Don't be too hard on yourself @PastorFuzz , we all have our struggles.
    We all got something we're making exceptions or excuses for in order to avoid fully releasing our connection with whatever it may be.

    I don't know statistics but I know for the majority of people, if not all of us, we fall into addictions because it's the most convenient and easiest coping mechanism to "help" us overcome whatever conflict we are facing in the instance. Amidst the overwhelming struggle, innately, it's what served us best in order to survive.
    I imagine you are still deeply engrained in a behaviour that may have begun as a coping mechanism for you through hardship. Don't forget that. It's not an easy relationship to break up with when it, despite what you know is right/wrong, might still serve on a subconscious level as comfort to you.

    Take care of you and enjoy your snooze.
    Love and thoughts from Down Under.
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  2. jazzyj9
    One thing at a time. You’ll get off the jalle too. Have you tried replacement therapy before?

    Maybe in a few months or so you might be able to consider it. Try to take things in stride though and recognize your accomplishments.

    Do you think you would have to do a “geographical “ to cut tights?
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  3. JaneDeux
    You're at a fork in road, one way leads to abstinence with temporary physical and emotional pain/turmoil, the other to continued misery and eventual self destruction. Saying "I'll take an order of misery and self destruction, please" doesn't sound palatable.

    Don't discount your progress because you haven't given up both demons entirely. Good grief, I know you leap from tree top to tree top in a single bound, but Superman you're not. Even Superman fears kryptonite. That said, you have to walk the razors edge and not get complacent either.

    Pat yourself on the back for 3 weeks meth free and strengthen your motivation to give up heroin. I'm not sure you want off it badly enough yet. You've quit before, you know what to expect. I don't know you, but I feel as though I do. If you want out, you will awaken the warrior that is asleep on watch and go to battle. All you lack is the motive. No one can identify that for you.

    At our stage of life, it isn't easy to whip up a batch of motivation. We're old, tired, have been there, done that. The fact that I have two people and two animals who rely on me helps, but my true love is learning. Nothing gets me more excited than learning how to do or make something. For you, it might be your obvious gift for writing. I believe when you identify your motive, set some goals, and focus on those you will win the war.

    I hope this helps in some small way. You're a good man, find good things to fill your future.

    All my best, Jane
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  4. angelraysmehigher
    Always kind and considerate responses from you @JaneGault.
    I always love reading what you have to offer in support! Never delivered without compassion and gentle, but firm truths. I appreciate your time chipping in through out my journey and I'm sure @PastorFuzz will be on the same page.
    Thank you.

    Enjoy your day/night all,
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  5. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin, y'all!
    Many thanx for passing thru. Y'all always leave me better off than you found me. I'm parked right now, waitin on Fat Jack.

    I still gotta bout a g of hielo I've had since back before I laid it down. It's a lil reassuring to have it on hand just in case, but I'm past detox, past the enervated phase, so should I choose to use I'll have to score. It won't be right there within easy reach. The g I been holdin back I'll give to my point man, Izzy.

    I won't move, ms @JazzyJ. My bizness is well established and this is my home. I used to be a drifter but I'm too old start all over again. My naber who trashed my ride is turning into a serious problem, and moving is one of several options available to me, but I discarded it without a second thot. In the past my problems always managed to track me down anyway. For me, it's like trying to run from your own shadow. I'm a tired old fart. I'm just gonna stay put.

    Never tried replacement therapy. That puts me on the radar as an official documented bona fide died-in-the-wool dope fiend. I ain't prepared to submit to that. At least not at the present time.

    Hey, I'm gonna post and run, but I'll return in lil bit to shoot the shit with y'all. I'm running errands, tired from staying up all night cuz my asshole naber was being rambunctious. It was bad enough that I had my .38 in hand, even tho I'm breaking two laws by packin. Thankfully I didn't have to use it and he was apprehended and taken to a psych ward by the mounties and put on a 72 hour hold at about 330 this morning. I'll have surveillance cameras in place by the time he gets out. I hope they keep his dumb ass, maybe give him a frontal lobotomy

    Many thanx! Ttys
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  6. jazzyj9
    I can see you’re a very unique and talented person. You’re a great writer and highly intelligent and I think you will be able to do anything you put your mind to. You mentioned judicial harm reduction be careful with that neighbor. You’ll figure out how to deal with that so it doesn’t come back to you. I can tell you’re an ethical person also.
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  7. PastorFuzz
    @JaneGault, @angelraysmehigher , @jazzyj9 y'all 3 are shonuf my angels. Y'all know full well I'm a shitbird, but you look out for me anyway. I'm truly blessed.

    Lets all blow this pop stand and fly down to Costa Rica, lay out on a secluded beach, drinkin fizzy drinks outta coconut shells, smokin Cuban cigars, chasin lizards, and collaboratin on the "great american novel". If we run short of cash I'll go be a gigolo at the high rise hotels at night, tearin it off with rich fat old ladies on vacation from Peoria and stealin their jewelry. And when that money is spent I'll sell a kidney. When we've burned thru that coin I'll sell the other kidney. Trust me. We'll be fine.

    Lil angelrays, there's a lotta reasons people fall into their addictions. For me, it was an open display of defiance to the crows who didn't know me but who thot they hadda right to presume authority over me and make me kneel on a broomstick whenever I happened to be less than grateful to them for smackin me around so that I might become worthy of the healing light of god's for givenness
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  8. PastorFuzz
    Hey, oops, i didn't intend to post already, nodded off for a minute. Sorry bout that.

    Ms jazzyj, wow, thank you for all the uplifting complements! I gotta confess that I don't get "ethical" very often, but I ain't proud. I'll take it and many thanx over again! I think you're pretty awesome too. I see you out on the threads, post after post, as prolific as anyone I've seen but, more than the impressive sheer volume of your work, it's the positive wave you bring to every single post, brightening the day of all those who you touch.

    I'm so grateful to have your endless support, encouragement, and friendship and I hope I never give you cause to regret all the time you've devoted to makin this toad's burden so much easier to bare.

    I hope all your days are good and that nuthin bad ever touches you

    Hi ms Jane! You get me. You know me. I'm always astounded how you do that every time. I feel completely in sync with you. It's like you can see my thots before I'm even done thinking them. If we were digging clams on that beach in Costa Rica, I think we'd be able to communicate and exchange thots and feelins with very few words really needed to be said, cuz we share the same wave on so many different levels.

    And you're always so very kind to me even when I'm being a total jackass. You find something positive for me to hold onto when I'm crawling thru the wreckage. Nobody comforts my tormented spirit the way you can. "I don't know you, but I feel as tho I do" You do know me. You know me probably better than any other member of the tribe. Normally that would kinda bother me, but with you it brings me a sense of comfort, warmth. You have a gentleness that calms me, makes me feel safe. I know you care about me. I can feel it. Its in the way you say the things you say. Heart and soul, dear friend, thru and thru xoxo
  9. JaneDeux
    I'm packed, when do we leave? Hopefully, some the natives speak English because my Spanish is on par with yours.

    I'm blushing. We do connect, no denying it. Both of us have our demons, but we also have an innate sense of stubbornness that keeps us hanging on to this brutal journey we call life. Simply stated, we are both too ornery give up. I haven't decided if that particular attribute is a blessing or a curse.

    You are correct, I do care about you and I'm glad I can offer a bit of comfort while you heal. I'll leave it at that before I embarrass myself.

    I'm up in the wee hours waiting on the latest snow "event". Last week I slipped on the ice and sprained my knee, it is back to normal now and all is well. The weather right now surely does make me long to be somewhere south. South of the equator will work.

    You are, without a doubt, my favorite toad. Jane
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