Thank you so much for your reply. To answer your question, I originally started with the pills because I loved the way they made me feel. Me and my husband would take them together and have amazing sex. Talk about anything just made us enjoy each other. He used to be an amazing guy, my best friend. I wish I knew what changed. Now I take it to numb the pain and to stay in a different world to not get to upset with my life.
My husband is not physically abusive, he's never hit me, which some would say is better. To be honest I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself when I'm being screamed at what a worthless piece of shit I am and told how stupid I am all the while he's throwing shit and going over in detail everything thing that's fucked up because of me that I wish he would just punch me and be done. It would hurt a lot less then the words. I know my issues with him are a whole separate battle, I can only do one at a time. Plus he says my drug use is why he hates me so much even though he buys it for me and does it with me every day. I'm not aloud to work, drive, leave the house without him or have any money of my own. So he totally enabled my drug use, without him it would be impossible to get any.
So my thinking is getting off the drugs might help the marriage, OK hoping. I've done subs one other time, was clean a week and only felt bad the first day I switched over. Only reason I went back to dope was cause I ran out of subs.
I really hope I can do this cause something has got to change. I've wanted to tell my family many times, I really think they would help me but my husband is all about appearances and doesn't want anyone finding out our secret. Might make us look bad.
I'm really grateful you took the time to read and respond, I know this is going to be hard doing this alone with no support but I have to try. There is a reason I wake up every morning, a lot of addicts don't and I am determined to find out what that reason is. During my moments of weakness I'm just going to look at my babies for strength and come to this board for support and pray to god there is a life for me and my kids after all this crap is over. My kids deserve the absolute best, they are troopers, they have been through hell and do whatever is needed to help each other and stick together. I owe them at least this.