Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost
I wasn't well, for ages before I used h. Then my boyfriend hit a massive poker tourney for like 9grand. (Edit so it reads) then we found a massive source...So we thought we'd try a little of everything. I'd been clean 4 yrs. the H came. I had 3 lines and was absolutely hammered in a way I'd never been before, and I didn't feel sick anymore.
I had been so fed up of feeling ill, bad chest, gener tiredness runny nose. Of course a dose of cocodamol probably would have had the same effect on the mucus membranes but what is it with drug users and 'I don't take paracetamol etc'.
So there is where it started, and I thought yeah a couple of days to get my strength back I'll be ok. Erm, no. And if anyone here is a ex user or user addict who thinks u can get clean and use again when u want, please do not be fooled. A switch in my brain went and that learned behaviour came right back. Almost instantly, very very fast.
4 years I was clean, on nothing. I also mentioned the need to loose weight for ivf? Now I have 8 months to get off this crap. The weight is no issue I have lost 5 1/2 stone in 18 months. I'm a fkn poster girl for slimming world, I love it when the ask how I did it �� no, really :S
Because of course my think it is that, not that I don't eat at all all day
But I'm feeling really good now. The hours pass and I feel less shit and more capable. I just ate a bowl of soup and im gonna go get dressed and walk up the shop.
My triggers: money, boredom, loneliness, bad emotions. Feeling sorry for myself, conflict.
With work the boredom and loneliness should go away so should the feeling sorry for myself. I still have so many coping skills to learn, as every problem I had since 19 I just threw drugs at so emotionally im what 19 + 4 years clean 23?? I'm actually 35.
Let's do this!!!
cbabycee added 3 Minutes and 47 Seconds later...
Oh and I know really about 4mh of subs will hold me in a few days, I upped the dose because my habit jumped for the compensation using on top of subs, for the jump back I wanted a massive dose in me to ride the up and down while it builds, I know I can drop that quite fast to 6 or 4. With me I so t use it to get an opiate feeling, same with meth. Just so as not to feel sick and function and the more I can function the less I need the crutch x
cbabycee added 300 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...
Back to using this as a journal. Wow I made it thru the day without using.
I found another trigger. Going to the chemist. Going to the chemist was when I could go score and use without anyone wondering where I was. So had to go to the chemist and it scared me a bit. So I took my kids - seemed a great idea, they always want to go i go to a chemist within a retail store on a retail park with other shops so they look round while I take my supervised dose: then we go for sweeties
Getting dressed was hard but doable, mainly hard coz it's so damn cold outside atm, but my gas was out and needed to top up the meter no heating is a no no
Forced myself to eat some soup, and when i picked up my son we went to tesco for chocolate doughnuts, yes I love the sweet things when withdrawing, but better than nothing right?
So I have overcome a few triggers today. Payday and chemist run/leaving my partners side. Easy! Now to make that my routine.... *so much to live for*
cbabycee added 27 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...
Need to add: I have had in total in 24 hours 10mg, 8mg and 10mg subs and since the last 10 im feeling loads better if I wasn't supervised I probably would have had 4mg but had to pick up today x
cbabycee added 409 Minutes and 39 Seconds later...
Back again.... Thought I'd sleep tonight. Lol. I feel ok so tired can't switch off. My daughter decided after I went to bed got funky with the bf for the endorphins that she should get up at midnight turn all the lights on in the house and cook chicken ffs. I just wanted dark and quiet and not to smell food, because now of course after not being able to eat a lot I am starving, so food and drink it is. Oh she's drank all the milk so milky hot chocolate is out
I'm wondering if I should take anymore subs but had what 28mg in less than 24 hours plus 20 yesterday so with the half life I guess I'm at the ceiling anyways... Really wish I had some buscopan to stop my tummy cramping up.
First thing tomorrow im buying the bloody stuff even if it isn't cheap!!
Then my user mates text me to ask if she can borrow money just £10. It's not to score I promise it's just since I found out about my mom thurs (mom has lung cancer) ive spent to much of my benefits and now I have no food. 1) how the fuck is that my problem. 2) it's to score 3) I really don't want to see her.
Jesus fucking Christ why can't people just leave me alone? I've even told my partner what's going on. That was good and he was good. He loves me, and I'm lucky he does. He will stick with me now and keep me safe. I know he can't be there all the time but if I can get thru the next 2 days my new life starts Tuesday. Monday I have to drive 30 miles to get a copy of my birth certificate. So I have plans and bfs mom invited me round to give me some work clothes (lost a ton of weight since I needed them!!) so gonna keep occupied.
im thinking it's ok to just write in my own thread, not trying to bump it up or anything I just need to talk to someone, no one, just get it out. I wish I could stop thinking and obsessing.
Please God let me sleep xx
No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :( (but found myself again a happy ending) - Part 14