No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :( (but found myself again a happy ending) - Part 19

By cbabycee · Jan 18, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :(

    Hey Kitts,

    Unfortunately it may not be a choice i have. I may have to deal with it. The ball is in his court.

    Although my using friend has messages me to ask why she is getting the blame. Seems my bf blames her for my using and send her a bit of nasty message on fb saying 'I am going to get Her of that shit and if you fuck it up I will hate you'. I know he was angry, and trying to blame someone else. I'm a big girl I have told him that. I have no excuses it's all on me it was my choice, my responsibility.

    I don't get this addiction is an illness thing. I'm not here to argue. I concur that scientifically some people are more sucepatable to addiction than others, bit when it comes down to it addiction is a choice. You choose not to use. You choose to use. Nobody makes that decision for you but you. It's not an easy choice. But it is a choice. I chose to use, no one forced me. I don't know if maybe he saw that message she sent me asking if I was going to score which wasnt helpful. Maybe that's why he blames her I don't know.

    Well even tho he's a bit out of order sending that message it gave me hope that he wants to stay and help me, I didn't tell him because I thought he'd leave me. I should know I could have trusted him to stand by me. He's my best friend.

    I am quite happy to have drug tests twice a week or whenever he likes. I am not intending on using, I will do whatever it takes for him to trust me. He will say he doesnt want that. I'm going to do it anyway, lucky I can go to drug help and ask for a test it's good for me too. Then I can just show him, then the pressure isn't on him.

    I am a lucky lady and very grateful of that some people have no one.

    But Kitts, what I was saying was if he does leave, I won't let that get in my way, If I loose him to heroin, I 100% will not loose anything else! In the past my thinking would be fuck it then.

    Just documenting my change in attitude.

    Thanks guys x


  1. Kitts
    Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :(

    Good for you Cee. :thumbsup: That change in attitude is a powerful thing.

    It does sound pretty hopeful, actually - the Facebook message to your friend. It sounds like he is still protective of you and wants things right.

    I think viewing addiction as a choice rather than a disease can be empowering. There nothing worse than thinking you are powerless to a drug and it's going to win, because you are a "hopeless" addict. I can understand the thinking, but it's not helpful to me. I need something more to shut my brain up.
    You really sound like you're making progress, Cee.

    I'm so glad you kept this same journal. It's useful for others to see a long journey, but even more so for you as the writer, you can see how you've changed and grown and (in my case) where you went wrong last time.
    Keep fighting, keep going,
    You're doing it.
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