No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :( (but found myself again a happy ending) - Part 26

By cbabycee · Jan 22, 2015 · ·
  1. Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :(

    Good morning babyblue!

    Thank you so much for your positive vibes, I need all of those I can get :D

    If I have inspired a small change in anyone with these words then that's amazing, more than anything I want people to know we do mess up, even after so long clean, but it isn't the end, if u fight u can get back in control, although that last few months have been anything but.

    I found out yesterday via fb that my Main dealer is in intensive care with heart and kidney problems and his phone gonna be off months... Another sign. I wouldn't wish that on anyone he wasn't a bad guy tbh but hey these things happen. Could have been me or someone else he dealt too.

    Off to work now, looking forward to it :)

    6 days since I used heroin!!

    cbabycee added 796 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

    I just went on my time hip and can't believe this my status from exactly 3 years ago today!!

    (This relates to my methadone detox 3 years ago by this time I has been off heroin 2 years)

    DAY 4: OMG I slept!!!!! Back still in bits :/ but the sleep helped...........;)

    Wow crazy that 3 years to the day later and I'm counting days , but positive because I can do this, I did it off methadone before!! And this time boy have I learned my lesson!!!!!

    This time I have a wonderful partner, an awesome job, so much love in my life!! Back then I had not long come out of prison, no idea whether my working life would be fucked up for the rest of my life because of my conviction for drugs. I have a much more stable life now.

    Ok so I'm not kicking it all together now, but I will, im very confident of that!

    Had another great day at work! 10mg Subs today I didn't take any before work and got to the chemist fine! I have tummy ache, but doubt its drug related more ate too much lactose in something!

    It's freezing in the UK gonna go jump in a hot bath to get warm and then get prepared for work, I have never been a morning person, I jumped out of bed this morning!!

    I hope everyone's ok :)

    cbabycee added 1343 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...

    Well today's been another awesome day at work, had to sit away from my mentor today as another new starter needed him more and theyre confident I can do the work. It's much more technical work than I've ever done before and im doing IT and suceeding, I can recover files people have lost and they are so grateful an send such nice emails it's a real boost to my confidence too.

    It's really what I need right now, I lost so much confidence and got so down on myself which for me is so destructive. To have something that's mine that I enjoy and deserve is going to help so much on my recovery. The fact I have got through the week without needing extra money begging my mum for a sub has been great too. Knowing I havent spend at least £50 a day on heroin is empowering!!

    So nearly 7 days off heroin and its been the best week ever!!

    My appetite is back and that's awesome too, feeling hungry is a novelty!! Gotta watch I do t pile the pounds back on tho!!!!

    I feel so alive and alert at the moment, so nice to laugh properly not hazy, thoughts always 'when should I do that last bag' or where the fuck am I gonna get money from tomorrow, or will the dealer be on at 830am or will I have to wait ti 10 in agony...

    It's life, it's freedom!! Not fully yeah I have to go the chemist every day but Sunday, but that will soon change to twice a week. Another couple of clean tests, my key worker already text to arrange my appointment for Monday out of work hours, and she said she'll change my doc appointments too, which is great they know I'm a LOT better working and do everything to support me, including taking me off supervised

    Man I'm so proud of myself!! And when it comes down to it thats all that matters every step I take is in the right direction and how can I be anything but happy about that!

    I wish everyone had the chances i have had, it's so much easier when people believe in you and you believe in yourself....

    Hoping all have had a strong day!!

Comments

  1. babyblue87
    Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :(

    Cbabycee,

    It's really good to read that everything is going good for you, wish you that and much more. You sound like a smart cookie, I am glad your job is going strong. I would recommend everyone to read your journal, you came from far and by your own hard work and dedication you will even go further.

    The important lesson I take from you, is to not beat myself up when I mess up. Immediately start again from day 1 and keep positive about it, messing up means your at least trying!.
  2. cbabycee
    Re: No idea how I got here, feeling a bit lost :(

    Day 8!!!

    Thanks baby blue :)

    We're back to payday lol I'm doing ok, my head had a little go on u can have so
    at the weekend hahaha NO YOU CANT!

    Well I have to get up and get to work like being on time :)

    Have a great day!! I'll document later cxx
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