Well, I guess the title explains it all...
I've been using again over the last week and am currently now. Definitely didn't plan on it. But I guess when you don't lay the foundations correctly, default behaviours quickly come back into play...
My "best friend" betrayed me. That was the trigger. I bought a small amount in one deal and from there it escalated. The person I got off of asked I wanted to go for a drink later that weekend, I agreed. It was actually fun, he was there with an old friend I used to "run" with last year. We ended up smoking together and again the next day and the two days following that. And I didn't pay for anything. I didn't use Thursday or Friday but got more again on Saturday. It's now Monday and I'm still on the amount I acquired last.
I have concluded 100% that I'm still addicted not only to meth but to the self-destruction it all entails. I'm not totally going out and giving no fucks from the fall out with my friend. I'm so hurt by her actions, I'm mad but I think it's safe to say that I proceeded to get more on Saturday because I am addicted to the self-destruction and from other events that were triggers.
I'm so frustrated with my recovery, healthwise. It's so slow and up and down. I have not helped that by my choices to use since I decided to quit but I honestly feel at ends with my body and I fall into the habit of thinking "fuck it, I'm a mess anyway." Sometimes I feel like I just wanna see how much I can abuse my dysfunctional being and how much more broken it can get.
I have been replaying the lead up to my best and only good friend's upheaval. I feel guilty because I know that I haven't been as good a friend as I could have been. I feel guilty for this in many areas of my life. I've let people down because I've been too sick to leave the house. I've had to cancel plans time and time again because I haven't been able to walk or sit or even get out of bed. Addiction and recovery aside, my spine and nerve issues and the chronic fatigue have manifested a mindset where I feel like a failure, a burden and letdown.
I just feel so betrayed by my friend when she was the only one that could see my deterioration and watched my demise and choose to leave the way she did. I've had the biggest mind fuck from opening up to her about my bottled up thoughts and unspoken problems. I told her things about my past I'd never even spoken out loud. I shared my vulnerabilities with her for the first time and now I feel like this is exactly why I don't tell anyone my problems or open up to them. And the worst part is that I know she wasn't the greatest friend to me last year. She watched my addiction manifest. She used me through it. I always bought in bulk and I would never hesitate to spot her some until her next pay came in if she didn't have money to buy.
She only came to my house every week to stay over and use here because I have that freedom to do so, which she doesn't have at her parents house. I told her I didn't want our friendship to go south again as it had in the past because of meth. I asked so many times if we could do something normal but there was never any time on her part. But she was always going away with her other friend and her partner... And when I thought back, it was so obvious, as soon as she ever arrived to mine, the first thing she would do was look for the spare pipe and have a hit.
Even when I was out of work I was still helping her financially; lending her money, buying things on my card so she could pay me back when she got paid, always driving my car everywhere because she could never spare the petrol to use hers. And to top it all off, I forgave her when she took my ex's side after we broke up and believed all the shit he was saying about me. She worked it out for her self in the end and we didn't rekindle things until many months later, but I wish I never trusted her again.
I'm trying not to dwell on it. If anything it's probably a blessing in disguise for both of us. At least we neither have each other as a trigger or motivation to go and use. But I'm bitter. I'm bitter for trusting when I shouldn't have. I'm bitter that I told her my deepest and darkest secrets and gave them light only to learn that she didn't give a fuck anyway. But I'm finding it hard to let go of. I always have been one to hold on to things..
I'm also conflicted that I let the person I was hanging out with last week use me too. I guess I was just a lift around for them. I have hardly done anything the last couple of months, most of my time has been spent housebound. So when they asked if I wanted to go spend the night in a city hotel and have some fun with his friend that had the room and their partner, I agreed. Sounded pretty low-key to me, they said that the person always used "g" and they'd muck around being silly. I was up for a bender.
Turned out to be nothing like it was made out to be. After a couple hours sitting on the lounge semi being a part of the activities, I realised I was sitting in a room with some top dogs of a well-organised syndicate. There was huge amounts of meth, so much and more than I'd ever seen with my own eyes. People were coming and going all night to get their stuff and go sell on the streets. If I'd known that's what it was, I wouldn't have gone, no way. And if I hadn't been so naive about taking a substance I knew nothing of, I wouldn't have taken it. But I agreed to try some of the "G."
The next day back at home, I couldn't work out why my memories were so patchy and I couldn't remember very well the order of the night's events or how long certain phases really lasted. But I remember feeling so awkward and embarrassed as my "friend" was groping me on the lounge, others in the room looking and laughing. I remember trying to fight him off from kissing and holding me on his lap and not having much luck. I remember at the end when I felt somewhat back on planet Earth again and still trying to fight off his advancing mouth and hands. I can still feel the shame and disgust coming off as just a dirty slut that tagged along for free drugs or sex. That was never my intention. But I let my naivety think for me and reaped the consequences. That day back in my room trying to piece the night together, I understood everything when I googled G on my phone and learnt that it is the date rape drug...
I feel a lot of shame, dirtiness, guilt, disgust and worthlessness. I feel bitter and jaded. I am so mad at myself. I've had my fair share of chances to learn, to rise above and move forward but I continued to play with fire. I chose to stay ignorant in handling my recovery properly and as a result, I'm back at square one.
I feel surprisingly okay mentally though. I wouldn't say I'm on a path spiralling out of control.. I rebounded more last year when my boss made a "joke" about violent rape and struck a chord for me. I broke down at work and had to leave the service area. He ended up coming to check on me and put two and two together. It was the first time that memory had been brought up in a long while, and it made an effect. After that I know I self-destructed.
But at the moment I just want to find peace. I don't want to undo all of the hard work I've put in the last couple of months. But I'm at a war in my own head between wanting to stay off meth but addicted to the self-destruction and abusing my health. I've got a lot of work to do. Heck if I needed a therapist, it's definitely now. I'm grateful for art though and have engrossed in my drawings which has really helped me through things over the last few weeks. I'd probably have gone wayward way earlier than I did if I didn't have that to focus on.
I don't think I'll be active with my journals in the coming weeks. I'll probably either be using and too guilty to write or actively trying to close these wounds. I'm sorry to anyone that I've let down and lost their hopes in my process of recovery. I'm sorry to those who might have been backing me in keeping clean. But I'm truly grateful for D-F and this community. The past week I've found a lot of comfort being on the forums in the background, reading people's journals and feeling inspired. The promotion to Titanium. Receiving messages and words of support from considerate and thoughtful members. One in particular, (and you know who you are) although I wish I could have read it while clean and sober, couldn't have been more fitting and appropriate for the timing and please know that even though I haven't been true to my commitment to sobriety, your message has stuck in mind and sits in the background, shadowing every choice I make involving meth.
I'm not trying to make excuses for my weakness and relapse. I'm not blaming my addiction on anyone else, especially not anyone that has ended up fucking me over. I still chose to consume the meth and I accept that. But I just wish I would learn. I wish I would grow beyond and gain wisdom from my mistakes made before.