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  1. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby.

    But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer.

    It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My boyfriend is a brilliant mad scientist; I love him terribly. He is truly the love of my life. My husband is a kindly old man I met at the strip club in my youth. He is an enabler. My boyfriend on the other hand, is the smartest man I’ve ever met. He dazzles me with his wit and charm. Sometimes he reminds me of Hannibal Lector. Beyond brilliant psychologist, with a touch of something evil underneath. I was ok with that.
    But he argues with me regularly, and makes me want to escape reality with palliatives.

    So right now, I am at a crossroad between good and evil. I feel like Dante, having to climb over Lucifer to make it back to Earth. Do I go get these pills, or do I just go cry silently on the floor of my closet until I am drained and remain miserable all day? Since my first stint in rehab at 14, I’ve lived in this wonderland where happiness is my ultimate goal. But I know in event I’m not, there are things that can artificially bring me there.
    I survived the childhood from hell... being sold on the open market for crack, chained by my ankle to a radiator in a crack house day in and day out, for years.
    I will survive anything else that comes my way. Will I go get the pills? That remains to be seen. Stick around to find out...

    About Author

    calico moe
    37/F NY
    Heavy drug user
    I took my last hit this afternoon. The Party’s over. I’m hoping to have a baby as a surrogate mother. Partly to get clean and give me something important to devote my life to for a while. My family disowned me for giving my baby to gay guys so I’ve just got the backing of my husband, who has been here for me throughout the sometimes hellish magic carpet ride. Good man.


  1. ValErie SOLanas
    Sorry about your issues. I am new to this forum but knowledgeable. Medical lit shows that?! where? online? Sis, ovulation diminishes with age, if you are 37, then likely 18 to 24 hrs. Did you or your husband look that up? wrong literature calico. I would love to have a brilliant Boy or Girl toy aka Bf/Gf. Love me so Hannibal! Boys that are truly smart are hard to find. If he, sorry your boy toy is a brilliant psych then he must know that your lit is wrong. You sound like a true warrior sis, but you got way 2 many males in your life. A husband, boy toy, donor and anyone else? Sis too many 2 handle. Stay positive sis, but what whoever told you about trying several dates, wrong information. keep up the updates.
  2. Yellow Brick Reality
    I’m afraid saying you Need this baby is not the right mindset for a surrogate.
    I told you I know a surrogate. She’s devastated by her decision.
    You have been through enormous amounts of hell in your life.
    Try not to put yourself through anymore unnecessary pain.
    Once pregnant you give your entire body and soul to this baby. Using isn’t an option. You know this already.
    Give yourself the gift of being free from your addictions and then decide what is best for you!
    Being sober is it’s own high truly. I hate the word sober ~~ lol
    I’m freed.
  3. ValErie SOLanas
    well said Yellow Brick! I think the wrong info is being passed down as to limit her options. Medical lit online is not reliable. I just hope it’s not too late.
  4. calico moe
    Oh, right after this baby, I’ve agreed to surrogate for a family member who had a hysterectomy. So the baby won’t be mine, but I’ll carry it, and it will be a part of my life as I’ll be related by marriage to it. So having that to look forward to will take the sting out of giving this one away, if indeed it does sting.
    I need this baby to have something to kick for. It means a lot to me to create a family for these fellows. Something I’m not interested in having personally. I will give it up no problem, I truly believe that. I abhor babies and even now, trying to conceive, when I see them in public I feel no pull or longing for them.
    My mom was a crackhead and it is a goal and challenge to be better than she was. I incubated on the dance floor of Studio 54 awash in cocaine, and I intend to do better than that for this child
      Yellow Brick Reality likes this.
  5. TheBigBadWolf
    Hallo @calico moe
    Brilliant idea really begin a journal.

    You will get the opinions and support without sugar coating, but you know that and moreso, I think you need it, you have earned our honest thoughts by being so open and reach out for being supported.

    Good luck on your venture in which direction ever it may go.
      Yellow Brick Reality likes this.
  6. ValErie SOLanas
    Good luck sis, hope you make the right decision. Don’t be misled by your donor or anyone regarding online info. I suggest you visit an specialist. Your should have been considerate of your feelings but can’t blame the guy for questioning med lit online. Stay healthy.
      Yellow Brick Reality likes this.
  7. Yellow Brick Reality
    I hated kids~ other people’s babies yuck!
    Then I got pregnant and it really changed. It’s a hormonal mother thing. You may be surprised at how you’ll feel. Feeling life inside you crates a bond that can’t be described. I’m sorry that your own mother didn’t appreciate it.
  8. Yellow Brick Reality
    I’m going to double post and say what I really feel has been put on my heart to say to you.

    I sincerely hope that you know in your heart that you are so much more than the incubator you have been made to feel like. You are not a depository for male sperm.
    You are no longer in those chains ( which is so horrid I can’t even imagine!)
    Free yourself for yourself. Not for anyone else! Even a baby.
    Find happiness within you.

    Your story is heart breaking and terrible. But you write your own script now. Make every effort to write yourself a happy life.
      TheBigBadWolf likes this.
  9. ValErie SOLanas
    Wow, well stated yellow brick road! It is sad. Her story speaks to me. I hope she sees the light at the end. She is more than just an incubator. It sounds like she needs a lot of support, I think people are misleading her. I don’t trust her donor, online med lit holds no validity. It seems her Bf left her, he is a psych so he might have known something wasn’t right. Sis, Calico, you are loved here.
      Yellow Brick Reality likes this.
  10. calico moe
    Thank you guys for all the comments and support. This little world here is such an asset for me. I can’t tell my truth to most people, they would reject or judge me. I really feel at home here. Like I have friends to turn to and that means the world to me.
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