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  1. This morning I was still sedated. Had total 1.5mg Xanax and 12mg Lexomil last night.
    So no craving just fatigue. Then I had to go out and had 200mg caffeine pills for energy but not sure if it made a difference.
    I made sure I dont have cash on me to try and prevent weak moments turning into caving in.
    My cravings started when I came home. I have been over emotional and done all the typical licking empty bags to get the taste of coke etc.
    Im not eating any junk only veg fruits nuts seeds and yogurts.
    Tonight I will try to take less benzodiazepine.
    There is a lot of reflection for me about why I feel I need drugs. Boredom, loneliness, sadness, anger.
    But anyway, at least I have done day one being clean of coke.
    Taking it one day at a time.

    About Author

    Quite messed up. Body and mind. Not sure if this one can even be saved. But lets try.


  1. Rainflake
    And I forgot to say my nose was so bad this morning, so much blood and stuff coming out.
    You do not realise until you stop, how much rubbish accumulates in your sinuses.
    Already it feels clearer.
  2. Hopeless78
    Proud of you for staying clean today - it'll get better; it has to.

  3. browneyes_137
    Hi. I don't even know why I came onto this website. I've not used it for years, but the first post I clicked on was yours and I just felt a need to respond (which will be the first time I've ever posted on a forum!)

    I've spent the entirety of my adult life being consumed with addiction. I tried everything to kick it, including these awful counselling sessions that made me feel like nothing. In the end, for me my father figure straight out asked me if I was on drugs, and whilst my first instinct was to lie, I ended up breaking down and confessing to everything.

    I don't know your personal situation, but this man in my life is the only constant I've ever had, and he reacted the opposite of what I expected him to. In fact whilst everyone else thinks that I'm no longer an addict because I don't take it every day now, he's the only person that recognises that every day is still a struggle. I think it might always be truth be told, but I've found someone I can sound out those struggles with and that helps more than I thought it would.

    Anyway, the point of this was just to say well done. I know how long that first day off it can be. Since this time last year, I've taken it 3 times, when I've been close to giving up, but as I've been on it for a decade, my tolerance is so high that it has literally no effect on me, which means that even when I give in, all it does is waste my money.

    For the first few weeks you'll think about it constantly, from habit, from stress and from the need to feel like some semblance of yourself again. I can say that in my own experience though (bearing in mind that before this period of abstinence, I took it on average at least every two days) eventually you'll realise that you've stopped thinking about it constantly. There will still be times when you actively have to fight against your own mind, but the first time you get through a stressful day without giving in will show you that it can be done.

    I hope this isn't coming across as self indulgent, but I just wanted you to know that this is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do since you're at war with your own brain, but you can do it. One last thing, which is the only useful piece of advice I was given (by someone who'd been addicted to crack in fact). Don't think of it as you can never take it again. Each morning you wake up, you should focus on just getting through that one day without giving in. That's a big enough hurdle for now. Eventually those days become weeks and then months. If you do slip up though, don't be too hard on yourself. I had a full year of weaning myself off, one month and then 5 weeks etc. Small goals are more attainable. And even if you do relapse, it helps to look as it as if you've had one bad day out of how ever many you resisted prior to that, and that in itself is an achievement. If you're trying to kick it for your own sakes, then it's a bit easier than being pressured by others as you have an actual interest in succeeding. Take each day as it comes, don't beat yourself up, and try to find other small ways to treat yourself and lift your spirits.

    You've done so well to make it this far, and I hope you understand that. It's gonna be tough, so you have to steel yourself, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a fuck up in every sense of the word, but it's been since November since I last used, so it can be done. Celebrate the small victories rather than judging yourself, and it will eventually give you some perspective, so you can judge how far you've come.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, and I think it's so brave that you're documenting the struggle on here. Hopefully you'll get any support you need from others that have been through it. It's all well and good that people who aren't addicts think it should be easy, but for me personally, seeing other people that have come through the other side was the only thing that gave me hope back then.

    Anyway, rant over. Keep your chin up, and keep us updated on here if you can face it, cos there are good people out there who can talk you through this most difficult part.
  4. Rainflake
    @browneyes_137 thank you so much for sharing your experience and hope.
    Its not self indulgent of you at all in fact it makes me feel less alone.
    I admire you for doing so well and having such strength to keep fighting.
    Thanks again x
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