It's been a brief relationship but I have outgrown playing with oxycodone.
I have been taking between 150 - 300mg per day for over two months. Before that I was taking similar doses for a few days then having a few days off but the deals I was getting were so good I started to find it impossible to turn them down. Then Christmas happened and a few ill timed incidents that kept me using for fear of negative repercussions during a time when I needed to function at my best.
I've given up tramadol many times by merely tapering rapidly and harshly and dealing with the fallout by just taking things steady but I know oxycodone's different. A couple of days when I ran out I was put in my place by the mere preliminary withdrawal effects. It wasn't the end of the world but I am a carer and my responsibilities are important and I can't be suffering from debilitating withdrawal whilst assisting people to the toilet, washing them, cooking, cleaning, administering medicines, being a positive companion and doing all the other household chores etc. Some of the chores, such as cleaning, I can get help with if I’m desperate or can put on hold but the more intimate, daily stuff can only be performed by me by will of the patients, as we have a bond and a trust that has formed over years.
I have a few other areas where I am required in recreational activities of my own choosing and do not wish to let other people or myself down where I can avoid it.
I know my dependence has been short lived so recovery shouldn't be difficult but I need to remain functional and my minor disposition towards depression is something that can pull me back into using. I have a colourful outlook to life and the idea of stopping can seem so easy but then I get marginally depressed and the colour runs out of the picture and I’m stuck wallowing and inevitably wishing to use.
Once I decide it's been going on too long I am usually always happy to quit. The thing that I find that gets in my way is the fact I need to be able to perform to a certain level of capability. (And nobody wants to feel that ill, given the choice either) Once I'm clear of dependency I eventually end up dabbling in opiates again (mostly out of boredom) and they never pose a problem. It's when, suddenly, people start giving them to me for nothing (friends who have prescriptions left over send the remains to me and things like that and it all coincides with me having a little dabble and suddenly I have enough to increase my little experiment into a full time occupation. Some would envy the way it always plays out for me but in reality I have the worst luck)
My plan was to quickly taper and get off but I’m apprehensive of that gung-ho approach this time round, I know deep down what I need and also what that little voice will try and trick me into thinking I need but I feel I have formed a reasonable plan based on the remains of my old plan of a quick taper and jump off (using things recommended in the Thomas Recipe to help with the worst).
I have about eight 80mg Oxycontin® in total. Approximately three of those are in pieces that I have cut from tablets and put aside prior to crushing and abusing them. I also have several 20mg OxyNorm® instant release tablets.
Before I would start my day snorting about 30mg. By midday I’d usually ingested, one way or another, a further 50mg and the rest would be little bumps throughout the afternoon, evening and night.
• I intend to use what I have left to give myself the minimum dose I am comfortable with whilst attempting – but seriously NOT forcing – to taper.
• I will purchase some kratom, as recommended by a friend and I will try and introduce doses of kratom in place of doses of oxycodone.
• If this is successful I will try and switch to kratom for a day and further to this, if, once again, successful, I will try and stick with the kratom.
If I can get to this stage I will review my options. I’m not overly concerned about having a kratom habit. My main issues with what I do now are my route of administration (mostly being insufflation) and the cost (despite a good price on my Oxycontin®, it’s not pocket change).
Also, whilst I am using what Oxcodone I have left to maintain and taper I will make sure I administer it orally as much as I can convince myself, in order to get the most out of the substance and make it last for the longest period of time. Also it avoids any pleasurable rushes which might encourage reckless usage. I may swallow some and snort a little if I happen to wake up and I am in the throes of rapidly on-setting sickness.
I will keep track of my progress here so as to help motivate me to head in the right direction as outlined above.
It isn't fun anymore.