Thanks. It's good that it isn't fun any more and I think that reflects something deeper. I've found doing drugs fun for years and an excuse to living life to its potential. I skirt around my passions and ultimately go back to the 'fun' of doing drugs.
Sadly, while oxycodone may not be fun to do any longer and the ritual may have lost its magic, the effects of the drug, however minimal, due to dependence, are something I will always enjoy as they make me enjoy the things I enjoy more. I've already discussed on here how I took up doing drugs as a youth mostly because I was messed up. I'm not even sure how, I know we all are but when everyone says that everyone is weird - a point I mark often enough - it's true that I was always weirder than the normal weird. Most people I know have queried it with me on some casual level and it's common for someone to tell a crazy story to someone and alleviate their shock by saying, "oh it was XXX" and all seems clear because I'm a weirdo in some way I don't understand. Being different on a level so subtle no parent or teacher could really pick up on yet odd enough that social interaction has always been a particularly challenging art form makes for one susceptible character when it comes to altered consciousness. I guess the fact that I am popular and often highly social, makes people not see how actually mal-adjusted I am and just see the weirdness as a part of my character, explained away by eccentricity.
At thirteen drugs helped me gel socially and I could take plenty of them and gain popularity amongst the drug crowd. Without them I could have worked through any issues but now I think those issues are probably gone and the issue is the drug use itself, almost like a fossil of a problem long dead but still very real.
I think it helps that the fun of using drugs is disappearing. I have countless hobbies and they're not really entwined with use even if I do use as well. Martial arts and music are passions which generally go better with a straight head but sometimes aren't negatively affected by being a little bit high. My acting is something that suffers even if my performance does not. I need to weed out the use from everyday things. Doing my job now I have to be up and alert 7 days a week to care for elderly grandparents and it's full on care but if I really needed to I could often go back to rest for an hour before lunch and again for an hour or more in the afternoon but I find it easier to use and blitz my duties and then some.
The relapse isn't so worrying for me once I'm clear of dependence. I have an addictive personality and will take anything but I've never been like these alcoholics you hear of who, relapse in the form of one drop, go straight back to their lowest point and cannot stop. I got heavily addicted to benzos. I was forced to cold turkey alprazolam. I tapered diazepam three times. I used both and others in the year or two since but making sure to obtain reasonably small amount from the outset thus preventing bingeing before it could occur and, in turn, preventing addiction.
I liked using oxycodone because in the U.K. (well almost anywhere) it's too expensive to form a habit with so I would use it once or twice a month but then I met a contact. That changed my relationship with this immensely potent narcotic overnight.
Sadly when I get clean I unveil a character who is still awkward and a loner. It took years of pushing people away and friends have eventually given up trying to be close to me. I always drew popular people to me, I never knew why. When I was at uni I had flatmates who decided I was their best friend in the world and I valued those people but spent most of my time trying to find my own space. I feel sad that I don't have a super best friend. I've had potentials, mates I've grown up with who are still close enough but as much as I want a really close set of friends or one ultimate buddy. there's something I can't or won't give back and it forces me to walk this world alone. Anyway that's off topic as that's beyond the recovery of opiate dependency but really opiate dependency is a chapter in a deeper dependency and far more complex interpersonal issues that I really don't know how I will tackle but I guess that comes further down the line at this stage.
Sorry for ranting, I over-indulge with the keyboard sometimes and then neglect it for long periods too (much like my real life relationships) but I sense when I should have probably shut up paragraphs before.
Thanks for reading my thread, I hope I can claim success before long and maybe work through some of my other issues too.
Lex_Talioniz added 1188 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...
Today showed poor effort and zero desire towards helping myself.
Last night I ordered 25g of green riau and 50g of red vein sumatra kratom, not really knowing what would be best.
I have not pushed the boat out today with the oxycodone but had more than the minimum to stave off withdrawals that I had intended. The idea of the kratom arriving feels like a safety net adding to my feeling of invincibility. I imagine I will, at least once before I switch or swap out a dose or two, mix oxycodone and kratom to catch a high. Better to be honest with myself now rather than fooling myself with a string of excuses when the time comes.